pinky promise?

my fortune from chinese. anywaysssss though - i’ve been sleeping so much lately i haven’t written out all my feelings, but i’ve had them all. i’ve just made a list of all that i want to talk about.

First of all, i’m guessing love is in the air considering every time i hit home on facebook two new people are in a relationship and i’m all, seriously guys - come on. forever alone here. and it’s just depressing that everyone is finding someone and i’m just like…. that’s cool, i’ll just sit here and uhm, sleep.

secondly, when all these girls do find these guys, WHERE do they find amazing ones who like just look at them with these eyes that just show that they like reallllly love them, like they’ll do anything for them, wait on them hand and foot, are COMPLETELY whipped, and even if they aren’t getting any. and i’m like, HELLO - what did you do to deserve someone SO amazing like that when i have the biggest heart in the universe and i can’t get anyone to like me, ever. like no one that i’d want to anyways. i don’t get it. like how do all these cold people who don’t even TRY to make people like them have SO many friends when i worry myself half to death over people liking me, yet no one does? i don’t much get it. but whatever, yanno. i’m starting to feel like, if people want to be a part of my life, then they’ll make a point to be in it and i’m gonna stop trying to force people to hang out with me. like they obviously could care less if they lose me, so why should i tear myself up about making them stay? they’re going to end up with who they really want to be with anyways and obviously that sure isn’t me, so that’s fine. i’ll just do something else. i guess it’s just that i hate thinking that anyone could ever know you as well as i do or anyone could take my place in your life since no one could ever take yours in mine, but i am completely indispensable to you, and i have to realize that and just make myself stop being so damn pathetic and psycho crazy and upset and just be like look, you lose people, you can’t keep them close if they don’t want to be, and you just gotta deal with it and not let it ruin you. like there is nothing else you can do. so this turned into something else completely but that’s okay, i’m gonna just keep going. so i’m glad that i can tell you how i feel about everything and you can ignore it and not reply and then rub the fact that you’re spending all weekend with her in my face even after that and it not bother you one bit. like i get that you don’t like me anymore and that’s fine, but not even a best friend likes to see you hurt and you KNOW stuff that you say hurts me but you do it anyways. and you say that you don’t mean to but if you didn’t mean to you wouldn’t do it and then laugh when i get all paranoid about it. i get that you have other friends and that’s fine, hang out with other people. but it’s the fact that it seems like you seriously grow more tired of me every single day. like you hate me a little more daily and you grow more fond of them. like you act like it’s nothing at all to you to not hang out with me or barely even TALK to me all week when it kills me and that just really is not fair. we are absolutely nothing like we used to be. you used to care for me so much and you used to tell me everything. what you were doing what you wanted to do, and you wanted to be with me and you wanted to talk to me and tell me good morning and good night and how much you loved me. like it’s written ALL over everything in my room. i can count 15 things that say it just sitting here. like you wanted me to know and now i can’t even remember the last time that you said it first. you used to tell me that i was beautiful and stuff and now i can’t even remember the last time that you even complimented me. you think its so funny to insult me and see me get worked up over it but you don’t realize that i think about it for forever afterwards and some things really do hurt me. and i tell you things that bother me thinking you’ll be sensitive enough to my feelings to maybe not bring up things anymore but it’s like you only do more. you know it bothers me that you don’t tell me how you feel and that you don’t reply to me over serious things and you ignore all my feelings and mention people and you do it anyways for that very reason it seems. i don’t know when everything changed for you, but it didn’t for me. so then that leaves me just stuck looking like a loser. but i’m starting to see things differently because i finally am realizing how stupid that i look for just i don’t know, taking it all. just being like, well - maybe one day he’ll realize that he really does like me and care about me, maybe one day he’ll start to miss me and then feel the same again.  but let’s get real, you’re not. like i feel like you don’t even want to be as close of friends anymore or anything because i think you’re afraid that i’ll get the wrong impression or something. no, i know you don’t like me. like, i’m pretty sure you’ve made that clear. and you’ve been making it very very clear lately who you would rather be hanging out with. but don’t lie to me about anything because that just makes it worse. like i know you say you don’t like her, and hey, maybe you don’t - but yanno, just judging by the way things look here, wouldn’t you think the same? i mean, i feel like if it were me, i couldn’t get you to go to my games for anything in the world. i can’t get you to go to my performances so idk, i just don’t understand what’s so special about these people. i mean i didn’t even think so and so liked so and so or you liked so and so or you liked this or that. it’s like i feel like they’re getting to know a different you and i’m just losing you and can’t do anything about it. and then when i tell you that, you say nothing to it. nothing at all. so do you understand why that i’m so insecure and so paranoid about losing you? it’s because you know how i feel, and you give me no reason to believe that i’m not. actually, you just gave me MORE reason to believe that i am. and it doesn’t even bother you is the thing. like if i knew you felt that way, i would do everything in my power to keep you from feeling that way. if i knew you were insecure about something about yourself, i’d try to make you feel better about it, not worse. i think that you like her more BECAUSE of her lack of emotion, i think it scares the hell out of you to think that i actually really care for you, so i guess you’re going to try to push me away and find something that makes you feel less, asks less of you emotionally wise. idk. i don’t understand you sometimes. i just don’t know when everything changed for you because it didn’t for me. but i think it’s starting to. i’m just realizing that like, i can’t MAKE you stay closest to me, no matter what i do, if it’s not what you want. and that’s okay. i mean, as long as we’re friends still, i’m good. i’ve told you that countless times. and you know that i love you and i always will and i’ll always be here for you, but i just can’t take like being sad all the time and letting it ruin my day that you don’t ever want to talk to me like you used to or come up and do things or go places or just hang with me. like i’ve just got to do the same. but it’s just not fair that you do things that if i did, would completely make you so mad. and you know it would. and you know that deep down it would probably really bother you if i chose someone else over you. like, you know if you always felt like my second choice, that it would bother you. and that’s just on a friendly level. but that’s the thing, you take SO SO SO much advantage of the fact that you ARE NEVER second choice to me. like you know good and well i would pick hanging with you over anyone else in this world and that i’ll just not do anything if it means that i may get to hang out with you. you know that i always put you first so you never have to worry about it. like you take advantage of how much that i love you and care for you because you know that no matter what you do or say, i’m still going to feel the same and you know i can’t stand us being mad at each other and you know how afraid i am of not talking so you know i’ll just let things go and just go on and never stay mad over anything because i’m afraid that if i make you mad that you’ll stay that way. and i also know that the things that i do get mad over, i really have no right to because we’re not together or even talking or anything more than friends i don’t guess so it’s like even when i get mad i have to stop myself because that’s not something that i have the right to get mad about. like you not telling me what you’re doing, you shouldn’t have to, sooooo - i’m wrong in that. that’s why when people are all like “i’d be so mad” and stuff, i can’t be. i have no right. but still, when you hold my hand and argue with me and just know me so well and tell me you’ll help me achieve my life goals and stuff it’s hard for me to be like oh, he feels nothing for me. but then in the same evening you’ll be completely stand offish. it’s just a roller coaster. that’s why i really want to know how you feel about me, but i’m so scared to ask because i really know that the answers to the questions that i ask would not be what i want them to be and why upset myself like that when i don’t have to. like i know the answers to all the questions already for myself, so why ask them. but the thing is, if you do have feelings for me at all, telling me doesn’t mean we have to jump into no relationship or anything. i mean, you used to tell me how you felt about me all the time and it changed nothing. it just made me a heck of a lot happier and more secure. like you need to let me know things. i’m your best friend, or at least i like to think that i am, even if i don’t feel like i really am the one you tell the most to like currently, even if i completely feel replaced by other people, i still am your best friend, and you’re supposed to tell your best friend everything. who you like, how you feel, what’s going on in your life, just everything. and i can handle it. like you can tell me whatever. i’m a big girl. i just want to know. i just want to see some kind of emotion come from you. like i want to know what scares you so badly about love. like why are you so against it, why are you so afraid to let yourself really fall for someone? not everyone is like the first, not everyone is going to leave you. and no, i’m not talking about just me. i mean i know you’ve liked plenty of people, but i think you try to like the ones that you don’t expect will like you back, then when they do, you get all chicken and run and push them away. do you know what you could be missing out on by doing that? you could already have something SO wonderful. someone who loves you and cares for you so much that they would die for you in a heartbeat, but you’re like scared of it. you like someone until they like you back then you don’t know what to do anymore so you just stop. but you expect them to be ready when you finally are and honestly, no one is going to wait FOREVER. i mean, if you really think you could have something good, i believe people will wait quite a while, even when everyone else says its too long, because they believe in love and that it will happen and sometimes they’re right and i’m a firm believer in that, but there is no one on this earth that can just sit and let the one they want to be with that “may” want to be with them eventually, go and test their waters and see what all is out there and then realize what they had in the first place and go back to them and expect them to still be there just waiting, however long it takes. that’s not fair and it’s not right. so many people don’t realize what they have until its gone and then its too late and they have missed out on something that could have been amazing. i mean, i do believe that if it’s really meant to be that two people will end up together regardless. they’ll find a way if they really love each other. but that’s the thing, i think that they have to love each other first. if you run from it, and never let yourself love them or care for them, then it’s not going to bother you any to lose them and you’re gonna miss out on that and probably settle for so much less. I mean you can find a billion people who are going to like you and they’re going to be what you think you want and tickle your fancy for a little while but you’ve got to look deeper, like i guess that’s why i don’t like many people and it takes me so long to fall for people because i have to really know you before i can “like” you. i have to know you first and trust you first and feel like you’re someone i’m going to want to have in my life forever. which is why when i get attached, i attach my whole heart to yours, (which btw is NOT good when you lose people) but its like, i love how i do things. i love that i’m not a normal 17 year old girl in that aspect because i actually take the time to learn the person, i look for the one who knows how to handle my craziness and will, and will still love me, the one who wants to talk to me even when i don’t give them a chance to respond because i never shut up, someone who listens to me complain and just tells me to calm down and lines me out when i need it, someone who really knows me and knows all of my flaws and sees all of my mess ups and still accepts me, puts up with me when they really don’t have to, makes me laugh when i don’t want to smile, pushes my buttons and makes me mad and puts me on edge just to make me do better, argues with me but can turn around and tell me that they love me in the same breath, someone who deals with my childish ideals and makes plans with me even if they’re the stupidest things ever that i want to do, like i have to know you and trust you first, i actually get to know someone before i’ll let myself fall for them. so it’s like, i realize what i have, and honestly, its an honor for me to like you, not that i’m anything special or any like “trophy” to obtain, but obviously i think that you are if i’m willing to waste so much of my life caring for you. i take the good with the bad and i accept you for what you are. i put up with all the bad habits you may have and i honestly try to make you the best person that you can be, because i truthfully CARE about your future and your well being, even if i’m not going to be in it. i wish everyone were like that. i wish that everyone would stop being so two-faced and immature and just stop playing around with everyone’s emotions and start trying to read their own. i’m proud to say that my hormones do not control me, my heart does. everyone needs to be like that. say that i’m wasting my youth, say that high school is all about dating a bunch of people so you know when you have the right one, say i’ve wasted too much time on people, say that i’ll regret it, say what you will - but when i’m happily married and i have something amazing and all you have is something to keep you from being lonely for the night, you’ll see. as long as i find my right one, i will be fine. i will never regret not being with a bunch of people in high school because once i have the love of my life, what will any of that matter? it won’t. i wouldn’t even remember it. like i just can’t wait until people grow up and start seeing things through the same eyes as i do. it may suck now since everyone automatically thinks that you’re crazy and weird and they automatically write you off because they know they don’t have a chance with you more than likely because of how particular you are - but in the long run, i think i’ll have my fairytale and i believe that i’ll be okay. i’ll be happy and in love and okay. i think that the lord will make sure of that. and honestly i’d love to think that it’s someone i already know, because i have a hard time thinking that the person i am going to grow old with could not know me. like someone that i’m going to be with for forever had missed out on 17 years of my life, idk - its weird for me to think about, but i don’t know what God has in store, i mean, i don’t even know how long i’ll live, but i know what whatever, or whoever it is, he’s going to be so great. because i think that good things come to those who wait, and i’m more than willing to wait, i just don’t want to settle. i want to get to the point to where i honestly feel like i deserve the best. right now i only feel like i deserve so much, like that i will never be able to find anything better so i better take the best thing i can find, but to me, that is the best thing. so i think that’s what i need. but ultimately, God is the only one who knows what’s right for me. so i just have to trust in him and just pray about it. and i’m only 16 years old, i know i have so much time - but i just want it now. but like i said, i think the best things come to those who wait. my mom didn’t find true love until she was 45 years old, and they have more battles than probably most do, but you can tell by the way that they look at each other how much they’re in love. you can tell by how easily they can hurt each other what they mean to each other. that’s why they argue so much. but it just makes it better. lets me see that no love is perfect but if you work at it, it will stay and it will grow, it just helps me believe that true love is real and makes me so excited for it. but look, they went to school together forever and were friends and never expected anything more. he asked my mom out many times and she never would give him a chance, so she found what she thought was love in two other people and was tortured for years because of it, and you know, if she would have taken the chance, she may have been able to avoid all that. OF COURSE, there was a reason that things didn’t happen that way i suppose, reason being the one typing this - but honestly, had they gotten together i never would have been thought of, but she never would have been abused, so i kind of wish she would have found him sooner. but i was “destined to be” as my mom says, because there’s no way that i should have ever even been able to have been conceived, but i was. and i’m here and honestly, my brother and i have been what has kept my mom here before. she needed me, so God sent me to her. she and my dad both used to say that they don’t know what they did to deserve it, but God blessed them with an angel, and before my dad died my mom talked to me for hours one night when he was in the hospital and told me how that God sent me to her to save her life, and that not only did i save hers, but i saved my dads as well by not giving up on him until he gave his soul to the Lord so he could go to heaven and live forever. Like i don’t remember it, but my mom said when i was little, before i had ever been taught things in church i would describe heaven to then and bed them to go with me and that i would lay hands on people and animals and the Lord would heal them. i even asked a boy at my school not too long ago if he remembered me laying hands on his dog and it getting healed of parvo and he did, he told the story back to me and it just amazed me that he remembered that, and that it meant something to him. and all the way up til dad died he looked to me for strength when it came to praying and stuff, he’d always ask me to, because he always thought i was this perfect angel, and even the other day my grandma, and his mom, told me that i was her little angel. i just wish that i were as amazing as my family thinks that i am. i wish that i were a better example of what an “angel” should be, i really have no power, i’m nothing special, God just hears my prayers, but he hears everyone else’s as well. i just wish i could go back to being little for a little bit. i wish that i could take with me that pureness and innocence and that crazy desire that i had to go to church and sing in church and get everyone around me saved. i was in grade school standing in EVERY SINGLE time that they asked if anybody had lost family members they wanted to pray for, i was right there for my daddy, and it may have taken persistence to get him to stop smoking, to get him to walk away from fights, or to get him to get saved, but i never gave up hope and he did, it took until i was 16 years old and he was very ill, but he did it, and that’s all that matters, so i would do it all over again, whatever it would take to save his soul. i just thank God that it’s never too late and he can forgive you of anything. I can’t wait to see my dad again. but i feel like i need to change and do better in order to do so. everyone thinks the opposite, thinks that my dad’s death drove me more away from God, but it didn’t. if anything it suppressed any doubt i had of miracles or answered prayers. just because God doesn’t answer a prayer when you want or when you think that he should, doesn’t mean he’s not going to at all. just never give up.   but anyways, i got way off track there. so back to my mom - things have a way of working themselves out, and i suppose that it only makes her appreciate my step dad more. i KNOW it makes me appreciate him more. but the moral of the story is that you can’t run from love forever because success and happiness is NOTHING without someone to share it with. i don’t care what you say. and you can be afraid to fall, that’s fine. that’s normal, and it’s gonna be hard when you do find someone, idc who it is, you’ll argue and fight and thing will change but if you really love them and you have the will to make it work, then it will, as long as the other person feels the same. and it will only make you all stronger, but you have to work at it. you can’t get scared at the first sight of trouble and get afraid of getting hurt and run. no. you’re gonna get hurt always but you need to figure out who’s worth it. obviously i think that having you in my life is worth getting hurt a little over, from a friend aspect and more, because let’s be honest, you can’t say that we’ve only been friends, otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten mad when i hung out with other people or talked to other people who were interested, you wouldn’t have told me how you felt so much, you wouldn’t hold my hands the way you do and let me be such a big part of your life, and i wouldn’t do the same. i wouldn’t look at you the way i do, i wouldn’t take a bullet for you, and i sure as heck wouldn’t be rambling on with all of this right now over “just a friend” and nothing more. not saying there’s more there now for you, just saying there was, and for me there still is, but don’t freak - it will fade eventually. but i think i build myself up too much and i tell myself that like you know me sooo well and when you say things make you think of me and you think “destiny would love this” and stuff i’m like aw, he must think of me all the time, and it’s like, i like to think that you know me so well all on your own and you remember and pick up on things about me all on your own, but what i need to realize is that i’m nothing special to you, i’m sure if i asked you any of the same questions about the other people you’re best friends with, you could tell me everything about them too. and i’m sure when you see things that remind you of them you’re like “oh, so and so would love this” like, i try to make myself believe that you care so much and that you think about me so much and stuff when i’m just lying to myself because i’m just the same to you as everyone else. all of your other friends, i’m just another one. i don’t really think that i’m that “special” best friend to anyone. like, everyone has that one person who they’re closest to and they just tell everything to and are constantly talking to and where you can find one you can find the other and stuff and i used to be that for different people, but i’m just not for anyone anymore. like it’s like everyone’s just finding all these new people and i’m just not. like no one else wants to have me as a best friend. and it’s my own fault for trying to hard and pushing people away with my like obsessiveness. it’s ridiculous but i really don’t know how to stop it. that’s why i have this thing. so that i can just spill all my thoughts and not look crazy. but then again i’m dumb enough to give it to people to look at which just makes me look even more psycho. but whatever. i just feel like that friend that everyone hangs out with and loves to her face, then they get behind her back and are like oh my gosh she is so annoying like i don’t want to hang out with her or constantly talk to her but she just doesn’t get the point and keeps texting me and making plans and i feel like i ruin everyone’s time and that no one actually has a good time when they’re with me. i feel like everyone would rather be with someone else. like everyone would have more fun with someone else. and i just feel like i’m the reason that they can’t. like i’m holding them back from where they really want to be. like i really feel like such a burden to some people. and it’s not like they make me feel like i’m not. they might as well just agree. i just need to be reassured of how everyone feels about me and i hate that about myself. i don’t know. i hate my emotions. i hate the way i am. i hate feeling like i cannot trust ANYONE. like everyone’s lying to me just to appease me or keep me from going psycho or crying. it’s a terribly feeling really. it’s so miserable having a mind that never ever stops. it’s so miserable wanting love so so so bad and never finding it or even allowing yourself to try. it’s miserable being stuck in the past and hating change. it’s miserable thinking about your dead dad every single day and hearing him and seeing him in your mind and not being able to hug him. it’s miserable constantly questioning how everyone around you feels about you or sees you. you have no idea. i don’t think anyone has any idea how i feel so much of the time. no, i’m not depressed, i have God and i’m really not, even though i sound it when i let out all my inner emotional crap like this, and don’t get me wrong, i have plenty of people that love me and worry about me and want the best for me, but still yet i just don’t feel complete i don’t guess. i think i would if i were a better christian and i have no excuse for not being better, i’m just not. that’s sad too. being a disappointment to yourself. like i could do so much better in church, so much better in school, and i could already be driving and just making so much more of myself, but i’d rather be lazy and sleep and barely get by and idk. i’ve just not been happy with myself this year. it’s just not good. but, moving on from all that junk - just gonna say that i think i’m done being how i am and i think that’s what you’re going for. i think i’m going to accept things and change the way i think about things and how much i let things bother me. and i know its still going to, but if i pretend it doesn’t enough then eventually it won’t. and i so mess myself up and give myself the short end of the stick by always expressing how i feel about everything, but i just can’t keep it in.  i just need to find people that actually care.

speaking of which, i just want to say that i have honestly found someone in my school who i really think is just not like the rest. you know those people that you just feel like you can connect to? like they are generally just a good hearted person who is there to listen to your problems and help you in any way that they can? the ones that offer a compliment or a smile just to lift your spirits or a word of encouragement when you’re just having a bad day? yeah, you probably don’t because there are not many of those out there. actually, i had pretty much given up hope that any one in that prison that they call a school even had a real heart, but then came along this one boy who completely proved me wrong. honestly, he has NO idea how much that he’s helped me and changed the way that i look at things just within the past few weeks alone. first of all he compliments me nearly every day and tells me that i’m beautiful, and not only appearance but he compliments my character as well, which means even more and it helps me to feel less insecure because i can be sitting there trying to fix my part in my hair and wondering about my eye-make up and whether it’s even or not and he’ll just like read my mind and tell me that i have such pretty eyes and stuff and it just makes my day. then the other day out of the blue he told me how that i was so special and not like all these other girls and how he knows he’ll never meet anyone else like me and how that i’m the perfect image of what a guy would want cause i have a good heart and all and that i was beautiful and that any guy that could have that and didn’t realize what all they were missing out on was just dumb and stuff and said he had wanted to tell me that so he thought that he would. and just yanno, he’s always telling me that i deserve something great and just lifting my spirits and even though we may not talk 24/7 or hang out all the time or he may not know the little things about me or my favorite candy bar or little things like that, i really would consider him as one of my closest friends because i feel like he knows my heart. we always write notes to each other in chemistry cause we’re both lost and sometimes i ramble on random things and draw pictures and it keeps my mind off things and sometimes i spill my guts and its just so nice to have someone that has so much going on for him and just doesn’t even have to make time for you, but they do - just because they honestly want to listen to you and help you with any problem you may have, even if they may have problems of their own. like i believe that he really cares about my happiness and really does want whats best for me, just like i want whats best for him. and what’s so crazy is that i really feel like i can tell him anything and know that he doesn’t go to anyone else and talk about me and i can tell him just how crazy i am and my insane ways of thinking and he doesn’t go behind my back and make fun of me to other people or tell them anything, he just listens to me, says what he can to help and goes on. and i try my best to do the same for him, but i know i always end up doing most of the talking. and then it’s like we can have these deep heart to hearts then go back to lab and goof off and act like we didn’t completely just spill our guts. i think everyone needs to find a friend like that. someone that they know they can just talk to. and this guy is someone that i would have never expected to be such a big softie. like i’m so glad i’ve gotten to know him and how he and i think so much alike and stuff because i would have just put him in the same category with all the other cocky football players and all the other heartless two-faced preppy little people at the school. just goes to show you should never judge a book by it’s cover. you should never judge period. and i know everyone does, and i’m guilty of it myself, but honestly, you have NO IDEA what the people you sit beside of in class every day are actually going through. you have no idea that the same person who puts on a smile every day and acts so confident is actually one of the most insecure people in the world and hates everything about themselves. like you don’t know anyone’s story, why they are the way they are, why certain things offend them so easily, why they get so upset, why they always wear that same necklace everyday, why they only have a few different outfits, why they don’t always dress up, why the act the way they do to get attention, why they won’t open up to anyone, why they never talk, why won’t give anyone a chance. like no one really has any idea the true inner workings of another person and it’s ridiculous that we all just go off of first glance and automatically make up in our minds why that person is that way and whether we like them or not, before we ever know anything about them. it’s human nature, i understand that. but i mean, wouldn’t it be cool if just one day we all woke up and we all looked the same. like everyone in the world looked the exact same, and sounded the exact same, or even if we all woke up one day blind, and had no recollection of any sight, and we all had to just talk to each other and base NOTHING on appearance, just on personality. like if we all just opened up to each other one day because we had no fear of being judged because we really didn’t know who one another was, then the next day we all discovered who we had talked to the day before. like i think that would be so cool. imagine how many more people you would connect to. i think it would be amazing. i think we need a “challenge day” at our school, but of course our people are too prideful and b.a. to do it, or so they think. little do they know that they would look stronger for doing it than for sitting out. but anyways, on to my next subject, i just thought i would say that if you think someone is beautiful or great or you like something of theirs, you should tell them. because it just may make their day, or better yet, it may open their eyes to how wonderful that they really are. like if you think someone has a lot going for them, tell them that. if you really care for someone, tell them that. everyone needs to forget the fear of looking stupid or feeling stupid or making things awkward and just say what they feel. open up. i promise you feel better and the other person may have been needing to hear it or wondering what you thought about them anyway. but just be sincere. so i just want to thank that person for being who they are. i have no doubt that they’ll go far with the heart of gold that they have. especially if they get on the right path with the Lord and let him guide him like he’s wanting to. yup.

anways, i have 100 more things i actually want to write about but it’s late and i want to get to sleep, so that i can hopefully wake up a little earlier tomorrow and look nice for school. so imma do that. after some pictures and quotes, though. i feel better. my chest loosened up and stuff so now i can just go sleeps.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

Let go when you’re hurting too much,
give up when love isn’t enough,
and move on when things are not like before.
surely there is someone out there
who will love you even more.

Your life lies before you like a path of driven snow, be careful how you tread it cause every step will show.

the people worth loving arent always easy to love.

Music gives us an escape from our drama filled,
teenage heart ache driven lives.
A chance to actually be a part of something amazing.
It gives us something to believe in

It’s like this. You have to have the nicest jeans, or the cutest purse, or say the newest thing so that it catches on. You have to be skinny, you have to buy this, wear this, say that, be on his side, her side, be neutral, have white teeth, have straight teeth, you hair can’t be frizzy, and you can’t wear that because it just doesn’t ‘work’ anymore. You have to go to parties, be friends with everyone, trust no one, pose like this, smile like that, tilt your head this way, and put your hand on your hip, because that’s how it is. And let me just say, it’s not worth it.

Never assume someone likes your by their sweetness, sometimes you’re just an option when they’re bored.

Do not anticipate trouble,
or worry about what may never happen.  
Keep in the sunlight.

Along the way, I’ve learned that you can’t let anyone in too
far and you can’t trust endlessly. The biggest mistake you
can make is to care or love someone more than yourself,
because then you are just setting yourself up for
disappointment. Boundaries are necessary so that you can
protect yourself, because once you’re broken, you’ll never
be fully fixed

“I hate Valentine’s day. Every day should be for love. You should celebrate love 364 days of the year. Then on Valentines day you should get to tell whoever you hate that you hate them. There would be one day of hate and 364 days of love.”
- Ashton Kutcher

i go in the kitchen to find myself some food and as soon as i open the cabinet my parents pull up with giovannis pizza and i had just looked at a picture of some and thought how it looked good, and i had said earlier that i wanted some combo sticks from there. it was pretty trippy that they read my mind and came just in time. it was real good, too. ;)

You can always tell how much you care by their ability to hurt you.

I’m sorry for…
Being annoying because I want to talk to you.
Being needy because I miss you.
Being emotional because I care about you.
Being insecure because I’m afraid to lose you.

You wonder why I’m insecure?
Because there are girls out there who look gorgeous without even trying. When they wake up they look like angels. when I wake up, I look like I just got out of a war. Those photogenic girls who look good in every photo. When someone takes a photo of me, my face looks half retarded. They don’t even need to dress nicely an they’ll still look good. How they can capture your attention just by walking past. I want to be able to do that.

what i don’t understand is how you can read it all, know how i feel, and it not have any effect on you at all.

There are no shortcuts in life or in love
This pain must be felt.  The alternative is much worse
It’s what makes us special, what makes us beautiful
What … what makes us worthy; the pain of how we love
But that pain is accompanied by something else, isn’t it?
Hope.  With your pain there is hope
And that is where you are;
Somewhere between agony and optimism and prayer
So, you’re human, you’re alive
And that is all we have

one of my life goals is to find one of those.

and to kiss in the rain, and hold hands and walk in the snow, and kiss at the top of a ferris wheel, and take pictures in some kind of a big field (yanno, like of wheat or something real tall like that)

It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting it’s sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens. But, it is never gone

Life is all about risks & it requires you to jump.
Don’t be a person who has to look back & wonder what they would have,
or could have had.
No one waits forever.

you know, this may sound weird, but i’m not actually up for a full fledged commitment to someone. i mean sure, that’d be wonderful, but i’d be satisfied with just one of those things. you know, the things where you don’t have to label it or call it anything or be together every waking minute of every day or call each other every night or get each other stuff for valentine’s day or even be publicaly affectionate. i could settle for just somene that makes me feel special and kisses me when no one’s looking and thinks about me more than most any other girl and sends me good morning and good night and texts that make me smile and wants to cuddle me and hold my hand and just generally make me feel important and happy when we ARE together. but i mean, i wouldn’t want them to be ashamed of me or anything, i just wouldn’t care to complicate it with labels. but i guess that’s like getting the milk without the cow or having your cake and eating it to, and for whatever reason people think that’s so terribly wrong. which i suppose in some cases it it? but it’s not like i wouldn’t expect them to only have that with me. like they could hang out with other people, sure - but not like cuddle anyone else, or send them good morning, or be more important to them to me. like a relationship without saying it i guess. it’s kind of stupid, but whatever. and then yanno, maybe in the long run we’d end up realizing that we really do love each other and want to make something last of it and have some fairytale romance and live happily ever after, but yanno that’s just a possibility. hahaha.

We have voices and stories and plans and dreams and ideas
We have hope.  We will wake up tomorrow to a day
That has never been known.
We are living a life that has never been lived
We are here for a reason
We exist to love and be loved
Life comes back
Things do change
Storms do pass

If a girl understands your crap and puts up with your mistakes, it’s obvious she’s a keeper.
But it’s also obvious you don’t deserve her.

in honor of st.patricks day. ;)

Sometimes, feeling pain is a good thing because
it shows you that people can hurt you.
but most of all, it reminds you how lucky you are to
have those who won’t ever dare treat you that way.

All girls really want is someone to want them back.

you know, one day she’s going to get strong enough to just stop. just stop trying all together. she’s going to let you put yourself in her life if you want to be in it. no more keeping the conversation going; if you want to talk to her, you will. no more making plans to hang out when you’re just waiting for a better offer. no more waiting up for your call at night or staying home on a friday just in case you want to do something. no more being a second choice. if you really want her in your life, then you will put her there. and if not, well, you’re going to lose one person who loved you even more than herself and would have given the world just for you.

I could cope,with all the stupidity,cruelty,the ugly things you say and do-
if it wasn’t for the fact that once in a while you’ll do something
thats so beautiful that it gives me hope for just a second.

Sometimes I think we waste our words and we waste our moments,
and we don’t take the time to say the things that are in our hearts when we have the chance.

You know, I’ve got this theory; there are two kinds of people in the world. There are lyric people and music people. You know, the lyrics people tend to be analytical. You know, all about the meaning of the song. They’re the ones you see with the CD insert out like five minutes after buying it, pouring over the lyrics, interpreting the hell out of everything. Then there’s the music people… who could care less for the lyrics as long as it’s just got, like, a good beat and you could dance to it. I don’t know, sometimes it might be easier to be a music girl and not a lyric girl. But since I’m not, let me just say this: sometimes things find you when you need them to find you. I believe that. And for me, it’s usually song lyrics.

and i’m the kinda girl that can set the kitchen on fire,
making a bowl of cereal.

You can’t just keep fucking with someone’s feelings because you’re unsure of your own.

Look between the lines, read between the words, the most important things are left unsaid and unheard.

I aim for the guy who isn’t afraid to make the first move because he  knows I’m shy. I aim for the guy who tells me I’m cute, and isn’t just looking at my face. I aim for the guy who says something dumb, and laughs at himself after. I aim for the guy who gets a little nervous every time he gets my texts. I aim for the guy who strives to make me smile, even when I don’t want to.

THAT IF SHAKE YOUR PHONE WHILE PLAYING WORDS WITH FRIENDS IT MIXES UP THE LETTERS AT THE BOTTOM?!?!?!?!
heck yes i just sat there for a good solid minute smacking the side of my phone watching the letters jumble up.

oh, AND - Jesus broke the water line at my school so we got out really early so that i could get the Mcdonalds breakfast that i’ve been wanting for about a week now. he’s my best friend. :) oh, and i can’t eat it before school because it normally makes my tummy sick.

and everything that i’ve said this morning after i’ve gotten home i have managed to turned into some sort of repetitive annoying song in a weird voice, what is my deal?

so i have my foot in the chair, phone balancing on knee so that i can get enough signal to send my word on words with friends, phone starts to fall…quickly, lightning fast boon county ninja cat-like reflexes kick in and i save it before it ever even gets past my thigh. oh yeah. that’s right. ;)

gosh if people saw how cool i am when i am home alone….i wouldn’t be home alone.

oh my, i really need more friends.
such a pretty day and here i sit. hmph.
at least my lissa loves me.
too bad she’s in florida.

screw all of you people with boyfriends and someone to always hangout with or 943580492 best friends that are always doing something cool.
i am feeling so just like, weird right now.
like the feeling i have is just screw everything. like, i’ve accepted that i’m probably going to like the same person forever who clearly doesn’t feel the same way and i’m just never going to let anyone else in or like anyone else because i always shut everyone else out that even tries to talk to me because well, quite frankly, i don’t want to talk to like anyone else. so really it’s my fault, but whatever. there are plenty of people with bigger problems in the world. i’ve been single for 17 years already, so it’s certainly not going to kill me to be forever alone. i think i’ll nap until american idol. i hope i don’t dream my terrible dreams. i hate that i bore everyone with my problems and thoughts when they don’t really care. i want my mood from yesterday back, or this morning. i want to not let myself sit here and think until i get upset. i want to be able to shut off my feeling. i want to be the controller of how my day goes and not someone else. i want someone to hug and hold and kiss and that wants to hug me and hold me and kiss me back. i want a bunch of friends who always want me to do something. i want a banana split. i want pop to not go flat. i want to not live in the middle of nowhere. i want to be completely different than how i am. i want someone to love me for exactly what i am. i want to be one of those people who just loves and is friends with everyone. i want to not be here. i want to sleep all of my petty problems away. i want to look at things differently. i want to not care about people or things so much. i want to be super happy go lucky all the time. i want to feel like i don’t need to like anyone. i want to not be stupid. i want to have all a’s again. i want to stop complaining and realize that i am blessed and things aren’t gonna change until i make them by changing myself, but i don’t know how to not let little things get to me or how to not feel unimportant. [rambles on for days about things that make no difference but makes herself feel better until she gets really sleepy and naps probably]

okay so actually the biggest part of my problem is just that i’m lame and don’t drive and i think/feel way too much. i’d probably be good if it weren’t for that. lol.

and what actually has made me the maddest today is that i woke up early, wasted a bunch of time straightening my hair (which is a mega weird color today) and a face full of make-up (that actually decided to stay on today) for one hour of school. :|

but hey, i’m not gonna complain as long as i got out of school…. even though i technically just did? whatever. lol. i’m good now.

i like my other blog more for pictures i think. i just like using this one to vent, butttttt, gotta make it pretty still.

i wish that everyone either shared their emotions like i do, or i didn’t share my emotions, like everyone else.

I’ve been waiting my whole life for the right guy to come
along, and then you showed up. And you’re nothing like
the man I imagined. You’re cynical and cranky and impossible.
But the truth is fighting with you is the best thing that’s ever
happened to me. And I think there’s a very good chance
that I’m falling in love you with.
- 27 dresses - i wanna watch that movie again. of course i don’t remember it well.

At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It’s not like you’re giving up, and it’s not like you shouldn’t try. It’s just that you have to draw the line of determination  from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.

^ I HAD THAT. PLEASEEEE TELL ME SOMEONE ELSE REMEMBERS THESE! :D

He’s going to frustrate you. Hell, he’s going to annoy the hell out of you. He’s going to contradict everything you say. He’s going to prove you wrong. He’s going to always want to be right. But he’s going to make you laugh and smile. He’s going to make you second guess things. He’s going to take care of you when you’re sick. He’s going to drive when it’s 3 in the morning to your house when your cat dies and let you cry in his arms and he’s going to just whisper that things will be alright into your hair. He’ll trace hearts into your back as he lies with you in bed. He’ll kiss you with such happiness and passion, even when he’s angry. He won’t be perfect. Fuck, he’ll mess up every damn day of his life. He’ll break things, he’ll break your heart a time or two. He’ll forget your anniversary and what day you two first fell in love or your dogs birthday, I don’t fucking know. But he’ll make up for it. He’ll hold your hair back when you’re throwing up, despite how disgusted he is. He’ll put up with your sarcasm and you’ll put up with his sexist jokes. He’ll make fun of the way you laugh yet secretly love it. The most beautiful thing between the two of you will be, I swear on my life and all that is holy, that you complete one another. That’s all. Like two pieces of a bigger puzzle. - aw. that’s exciting.

i think any picture of people smiling and kissing is just so so so adorable. :)

I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again! I want to go down to McDonalds and think it’s a five-star restaurant. I want to thinking that M&M’s are better than money because you can eat them. I want to eat a whole package of candy without feeling guilty about it afterwards. I want to return to when all you knew were colors, multiplication tables and nursery rhymes. I want to return to when you didn’t know and didn’t care. I want to remember the whole morning was filled of what your Mom had packed for lunch and the whole afternoon what you were having for dinner. When a simple matchbox car or barbie doll represented  a whole week’s worth of entertainment. When you actually had an imagination. When magic really existed. When ‘Jaws’ didn’t look fake. I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good would always triumph over evil. When a member of the opposite sex was just some annoying disturbance. When friends were real and you didn’t care if they were black, white, catholic, asian, african, muslim, fat, skinny, pink, green or from a whole different planet, it just didn’t matter… until someone told you different. I want to believe that anything is possible all you have to do is dream. I want it to be unknown to me the complexities of life and to be completely ecstatic by the little things again like the sound of the ice cream truck. I don’t want to know of school, homework, clothes, friendship, relationships, popularity or even gossip. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams and human kind. - This

Love the heart that hurts you, but never hurt the heart that loves you.

:O why have i not played sims all day!? oh yeah, cause i’m old…. and i’m too lazy to create a whole new family. takes wayyy too long.

I believe in sleeping in. I believe in giving 100% when you only have 80%. I believe in jamming out by yourself in the car. I believe in kisses on the forehead. I believe in smiling until your cheeks hurt. I believe that you can have just as much fun sober. I believe in taking chances and making mistakes. I believe in having someone tell you that you’re beautiful. I believe in swinging on swings and running in the rain. I believe in miracles and random acts of kindness. I believe in saying hello to anyone and everyone. I believe in second chances. I believe that everyone’s lucky to be alive.

aoidviuWHgv. well hello.

if he acts like you’re not worth his time
maybe you’re not what he wants.. you’re
just a replacement for what he can’t have.

Why the heart? Why do we always refer to our heart when we talk about love? Emotions and love are really in our brain, so why don’t we just say, “I love you with all my limbic system”? — I WONDER THIS ALL THE TIME. cept i say that you love with your soul, so i swore that i was going to stop saying that i love people “with all my heart” because like my daddy used to say, your heart is just a pump, it’s an organ, it is not what makes us love. so yeah. i love you with all my soul.

my phone died. i loveeeee that song. i wish that many people would do covers of it. “/ she’s got nothing on adele though. i’m on an adele kick right now bad. like, the same 3 songs over and over and over. yeah.

I’m not like anyone you’ve ever known, and maybe that scares you a little bit because here you are with a girl that actually cares for you and for once in your life, you don’t know how to deal with that

i never know which ones of the houses i’ve used? but i’m just too lazy to go and look and try to figure it out. oooooops.

and it’s so cold in this house. i picked some seriously long quotes today. shew. AND i guess i had a lot to say, but what else is new?

i forreal feel sorry for you that follow me cause I definitely clog your dashes with my venting. apologies. ;)

actually, no. i NEED to be doing chemistry and studying. whatever though.

so all day i thought of how yanno, sucky everything was and thought of all these things i wanted write about and just spill all my guts and complain and blah blah to this little bloggie here and then i made myself yanno, go to church - yes people who thought i had done like gone atheist, I WENT TO CHURCH, hahah. and it was good. it made me miss being in mime. and singing for church. but it’s all good. i got to see my long lost best friend and his little daughter and that of course just made my day, and when he told me that he missed me, like i really knew he meant it. then i came home only to some good american idol and 2 messages from people saying that they missed me. one of which i felt just definitely didn’t and didn’t want to hear me go on and complain anymore, and then one who i felt had done found herself a new group of best friends. and i just got to see people give their lives to the lord and little kids that got prayed for cause they have a desire to be close to him and it was just good. life is good today. lol. oh, not to mention that the little kiddies at church were happy to see me and missed me as well AND two other friends texted me and told me that they missed me. and i sat all alone at church and as soon as this one boy saw i was sitting alone he came back and sat with me and it was mega nice. oh, and i had a good make-up day too. lol.

Do you know what happens when you hurt people? When you hurt people, they begin to love you less. That’s what careless words do. They make people love you a little less.

worrying is a waste of time. it doesn’t change anything. it just messes with your mind and steals your happiness.

& now every time i look at you, i just think about how you’re not looking at me the same way that i’m looking at you. and then i wonder if you ever did. and if you did, then how long ago did you stop. then i wonder if all the times you’re not talking to me, you were talking to her. then i wonder if every time you’re not with me, if you’re with her. and then i wonder if you’re sitting there thinking about her. and then i wonder if you wish it was her there with you instead of me. and then i wonder just what it is about her. and then i wonder what made your feelings change. and then i wonder if it will ever be the same. and then i wonder…. and then i wonder…. and then i wonder some more.

What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.

I hate the fact that my heart doesn’t grow
And I hate the smell of cigarette smoke
And I hate old movies unless they make me cry
I hate the jerk you turned out to be
And I hate the sand that holds back the sea
And I hate the fact that you don’t love me for me
(I Hate Too Much - Bradley Vaughn)

At the end of the day, when it all comes down to it
All we really want is to be close to somebody
So this thing, where we all keep our distance
And pretend not to care about each other
Is usually a load of bull
So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to
And once we’ve chosen those people
We tend to stick close by
No matter how much we hurt them
The people that are still with you at the end of the day
Those are the ones worth keeping
And sure, sometimes close can be too close
But sometimes, that invasion of personal space
It can be exactly what you need

I ask myself why, and in that same breath, as I watch you, I get my answer. It’s everything about you; it’s that teasing smile, that warm scent. It’s the curve of your arms, the tousle of your hair, and the ring of your voice. It’s just everything about you. But more than that, it’s everything about me. It’s everything about the way you make me laugh, cry, smile and hurt. It’s everything about the way you make me feel.

Girls aren’t going to talk to you first. It’s a girl thing. We don’t like starting the conversation because we like to feel like you want to talk to us. We like to feel like the wait was worth something. We like feeling like you’ve waited for us like we’ve waited for you. But the number one reason we hate talking first is because we hate to seem needy or clingy. That’s why we’re scared. Cause to us, being needy and obsessive just pushes guys away. And no girl wants that.

You know what your problem is? You get attached, fast. And once you’re attached to someone, you do everything you can to please them and make them happy. It’s never been about what you want, it’s always everyone’s needs before your own. You give out too many chances to people, who quite frankly, do not deserve them. They take advantage of you, and you become a pushover. But you’re okay with that, because they’re in your life and that’s all you ever really wanted. And even if they screw you over, you’ll still be there for them. Because that’s you, that who you are. Once you get attached to someone, they capture your heart and they always have a place there. And that is why it’s so hard for you to let him go. - this.

A little jealousy in any kind of relationship is healthy;
it’s nice to know that someone is afraid to lose you.

- i have a hard time getting to sleep if i can’t play with my hair, i have ever since i was little.

- i can harmonize better with a song on the radio than i can if there’s a written part for it in choir.

- i spend way too much time on my eye make-up but i feel like people expect it and i feel kind of naked without it, so it’s became a habit. but i always wonder how girls make their make up last all day and still look so good by the end. mine is always all splotchy and half off and i can’t stand to look at myself after school normally.

- i don’t get tan, and my feet turn purple and blue a lot. i’m always cold and i bruise if you just poke me hard enough.

- i have a very strict nightly routine. like all volumes have to be on a certain number and my door has to be a certain way and i have to be facing a certain way and everything.

- i love to watch people brush their teeth and do their make-up.

- i like to always have the last word, and if you’re gonna push my buttons and get me ready to argue, you better argue back, otherwise it just makes me even more mad. but no worries, i can’t stay that way for any amount of time at all. nor can i hold grudges well. and sometimes i like to have my buttons pushed, i’ll probably do the same to you, and it keeps things interesting i guess. lol. but you’ll rarely find me in a real prolonged fight or in the center of much of the high school drama.

- i over think to the point that if you don’t text me back when i expect you to; i’ll have you dead, hating me, having forgotten me, or your cell phone destroyed. yet, i am the most hypocritical person ever when it comes to that, considering i suck at replying and open messages when i’m half asleep during my naps, then exit out of them, and forget that i ever read it, therefore i never reply. i apologize for this flaw of mine.

- i sit indian style any chance i get, even in class if my shoes are clean.

- i would give my pinky toe to be able to do my hair all kinds of different ways.

- i hate capitalizing.

- chemistry and trig/precal are my biggest downfalls this year. i pretty much know and have learned and remembered nothing.

- my favorite color is obviously purple.

- i forreal can’t see and i eat pepto like it’s candy cause i have a terrible stomach. but i’ll get contacts before i drive. promise, guys. ;)

- i wish i rode horses.

- i feel the need to text someone pretty much my every move and thought and complaint and rant. consider yourself lucky NOT to be the person who gets all that.

- i hate sports. period. not into that whole scene.

- i take entirely way too  many pictures, and i feel that i must edit every one that i put on facebook, even if it’s just brightening it up by a few numbers.

- my OCD can’t handle toothpaste in the sink, time left on the microwave, my phone not being under my pillow when i sleep, not having my bracelets on, not having the tv on when i sleep, and quite a few more things.

- i don’t believe in luck. i know that i’m blessed, not lucky - yet i still wish on 11:11, fallen eyelashes, dandelions, stars, and i still pick up pennies only if they’re on heads. couldn’t tell you why.

- i hate to say i love you too, or i miss you too, and i don’t like to be told that because i feel like the other person feels as if they’re being forced to say it back or something. idk. so i say “I love YOU” or “i miss YOU” instead. oh, and don’t spell love “luv” or sent me “ilu” or “imu” or anything like that, it doesn’t mean as much to me. but i’m weird, and if you say i love or miss you TOO, it’s not going to bother me much considering that’s what most normal people would naturally say in return. lol.

- i sleep more than any person ever should. i can easily sleep all evening and all night up into the next day sometime.

- i wish i played instruments, piano, specifically. i’m a bit obsessed with piano keys.

- if you come to my house, there’s a cork board you have to sign. i’ve had it for forever.

- since i got my phone, i have pretty much abandoned my poor camera. “/

- i have a new found minor obsession with owls, infinity symbols, bows, anchors, balloons, and apparently bird tattoos, considering i have like 5722 saved to my computer (even though i’m too chicken and would never get one cause i’d regret it later).

- i want an industrial piercing, but i’m way too chicken for that too.

- i’ve become sick of coke, cause that’s like the only pop that my parents buy other than sprite, which i don’t really like.

- i go through degrassi “spells” where my tv never leaves teenick and i catch up on it, then i change the channel and forget about it for  months.

- i don’t like lotion if it makes me feel sticky.

- it doesn’t take much to make my day, but it doesn’t take much to ruin it either and kids who are clueless as to how to walk down a hallway, inconsiderate/selfish/heartless people, and the people who smoke in the bathroom and leave me smelling like a cigarette for the rest of the day after i go pee, manage to do it almost daily.

- i hate the way my hands feel after i get out of the shower and get dried off.

- this is the absolute worst school year i’ve ever experienced, in pretty much every way and i hate that place more than you know.

- fingernails are alwayssss really short and painted, usually with glitter too.

- call me weird and all, but i’d rather just hold your hand. it’s my favorite.

- people give me way too much credit, in a ton of ways. i wish i were as nice as some people believe i am. lol.

- i am one of the most sentimental people that you will ever in your life meet. i give meaning to EVERYTHING. even a little piece of paper that someone else wouldn’t think twice about.

- atm i’m inlove with british sounding voices i guess you’d call them? ones like adele and kate nash.

- i love spiral staircases and castle houses, or round rooms.

- i love to write notes and doodle. my specialty is umbrellas, a little boy and girl stick people that are in love, and boom boxes.

- i love babies. i think that i’ll make a great mom. & i’m pretty determined to live until i have myself a family.

- i always think acoustic versions are prettier.

- i will listen to a song i love so many times that i get sick of it and never want to hear it again. then i’ll rediscover how much that i still love it a few months later.

- superglue on my fingers = automatic torture.

- feet, needles, veins, blood, lawn gnomes - i  hate them all. immensely.

-  i am nothing at all like i thought that i would be at this age, when i was little. i thought that i would be the coolest person alive and drive the coolest car ever and have a trillion friends and do something fun every night, while wearing my sunglasses and jammin’ out to some nelly, you know. yeah, let’s just say - i hate sunglasses and nelly’s music both. but that’s okay. i’m satisfied. even though i do wish i weren’t a lame-o lacking her license.

- i wait until the last minute to do my homework, always. like i can’t even bring myself to begin homework before 9 o’clock, even if it’s a big project.

- i have learned this year that i CLEARLY have no idea how to study and that i should PROBABLY work on developing some better study habits before going to college.

- apparently people questioning everything that i say and mocking me is my biggest pet peeve, ever.

- i have a few specific actions that will tip you off to the fact that i’m mad, even if i’m trying not to show it. now i would reveal those to you, but then you’d be able to feel the satisfaction of knowing you’ve made me mad when you’ve attempted to do so. therefore, i’ll just let you figure them out for yourself. ;)

- my birthday is my favorite. it’s very important to me. february 6th, just so you know.

- i love roller coasters and thrill rides and things that get my blood pumping and i want to sky dive some day.

- british accents are wonderful. although i find many accents really great.

- little things mean more to me than anything else. like, it thrills me so much if you simply remember little thing about me, like things that i love or want or notice my little quirks and weird everyday actions.

- my mom and step dad make me so excited to fall in love. i’m pretty much obsessed with the idea of falling in love, actually.

- i have a lot of acquaintances, but not a lot of people that i’d call real friends. but that’s fine with me, cause too many people are fake and you’re probably better off without them anyways. i’ve realized that and realized how amazing the ones who stick around and put up with me everyday truly are.

- i have the most tender heart and over active mind of pretty much anyone i’ve ever known. don’t get me wrong, caring so much for people is a great thing, but not when you care too much and you get exhausted from the amount of worrying you do. but that’s just me, and i deal.

- i miss my dad more everyday, and not a day goes by that i don’t wish i could give him just one more hug.

- i’m blessed with a huge family, that is continually growing, and i couldn’t love them anymore.

- i’m really someone you want to know, cause once i’m attached and you’re in my heart, you’re not going anywhere. and i promise you i’d do anything for you and go out of my way just to make you smile if i love you. and i’m convinced that i have the most compassion for some people and babies and animals of most anyone alive.

- when people hold doors open for me, you might have well written me a check for 1000 dollars and handed it to me for no good reason. little things like that make my day.

- when you compliment me, i will probably say thank you - but in my head i’m trying to figure out if you meant it or if you’re secretly making fun of me.

- i’m probably the most insecure person in all of the earth.

- i hate rap and i hate the jersey shore.

- you want to aggravate me, use the wrong version of your, or there, and have completely incomprehensible grammar.

- no one has ever heard me sing the way i do when there’s no one home. i really love to sing.

- i was too grown up when i was little and never watched disney movies or really liked a lot of kid things or doing a whole lot of kiddie things, so i think that’s why now i’m pretty much just a huge kid and i love any cartoon movie, or blowing bubbles or playing in the park or writing with chalk or just anything like that.

- i love making to-do lists, just so i can feel accomplished when i get everything marked off.

- i save over a billion and twelve quotes and pictures to my computer within a month.

- i over exaggerate everything, and if it’s a large number, i’ll most likely say something and twelve or five thousand seven hundred twenty two. if it’s time, it will always be two point five seconds.

- i’m avoiding studying at the moment.

- after i turn old on sims, i don’t want to play it anymore.

- lipton pure leaf extra sweet iced tea, ocean spray cram-pomegranate [or cran-grape] juice,  ben and jerry’s peanut brittle ice cream, ramen noodles in the cups, and lay chips and french onion dip. THE perfect food and drinks.

- once piece of gum can easily last me all day at school.

- almost everyday in chemistry class i sit and think of all the different foods that i have a taste for that day. yeah, food is always on my mind even if i eat like a bird.

- if you pass me in the hallway, you would most likely think i was the most hateful thing on earth, but i’m probably just annoyed with all the couples making out everywhere around me, the slow person/people in front of me trying to walk with “swag”, or i’m looking at you and wondering what you’re thinking of me, OR my mind is just completely somewhere else. don’t take it personally, it’s probably nothing against you.

- i forget almost every movie i watch because i never fully get into one, since there’s always a thousand things going on in the back of my mind, plus i over-analyze them and point out the things that couldn’t really happen, besides the fact that i find it difficult to shut up for that long. yeah, it takes patience to watch movies with me. lol.

- i love quarter machine toys. i have a collection forreal.

- i’m hungry, so i’m going to stop there.

i had this huge post all typed up and i mean this was just a whole forever long thing that went on for days all about everything in the whole word and it had pictures and good quotes and all and then BAM. i hit some key and it was all gone and undo did nothing. so that’s just awesome. :|

go far far away for a while so everyone will miss you and want to hang out with you when you get back because they realized how much that they really loved you while you were gone? gosh, i would love to do that. not to mention to get away from the people around here for a while. some of them, anyways.

so anywho, why is it always so so difficult for me to wake up after a nap, and why am i not driving yet? i’m dumb. :|

sometimes naps make me feel better, but sometimes i wake up from them even worse than before. it just masks all my frustrations then i have some stupid dream and they all come back. it’s miserable thinking and worrying and caring as much as i do. miserable and exhausting constantly wondering about everything and questioning how everyone feels for you. needing constant assurance. it’s annoying to even myself. no wonder people distance themselves from me. i don’t blame them. i more than likely don’t like them anyway. lol.

i love my mommie for listening to me for about a solid hour rant about everyone on God’s green earth today. hahaha. my feet are asleep.  “/

No matter how busy a person is, if they want to make time for you, there will be time made. So “I’m too busy” means you aren’t worth it to them.

The only city whose name can be spelled completely with vowels is Aiea, Hawaii, located approximately twelve miles west of Honolulu.

This was her life. Not the life she had once dreamed
of, not a life her younger self would ever have imagined
or desired, but the life she was living, with all its
complexities. This was her life, built with care and attention,
and it was good.

No matter how thick-skinned we try to be
There’s millions of electrified nerve endings in there;
Open and exposed and feeling way too much
Try as we might to keep from feeling pain
Sometimes it’s just unavoidable
Sometimes, that’s the only thing left; just feeling

She’s afraid that after all this waiting,
he’ll end up with another girl.
She’s afraid of what hasn’t happened yet.
And most of all,
she’s afraid she’ll never find someone who could compare to him.

I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that
That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years
Or just not exist. not die, not commit suicide or be dead,  just not be aware that you exist
just exist unrecognized for a while and watch the world around you
Or something like that
I think wanting that is very morbid
But I want it when I get like this
That’s why I’m trying not to think
I just want it all to stop spinning

You didn’t love her. You just didn’t want to be alone. Or maybe, maybe she was just good for your ego. Or, or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn’t love her, because you don’t destroy people you love.
- Grey’s Anatomy. - i kind of really wish that i watched that show. good quotes from there.

when you love someone, you’ll do anything for them.
and even when you hate them, you’ll still do anything.

i’m afraid he’d think I was insane if he knew all I
wanted to do is hold his hand for the rest of my life.

Girls aren’t going to talk to you first. It’s a girl thing. We don’t like starting the conversation because we like to feel like you want to talk to us. We like to feel like the wait was worth something. We like feeling like you’ve waited for us like we’ve waited for you. But the number one reason we hate talking first is because we hate to seem needy or clingy. That’s why we’re scared. Cause to us, being needy and obsessive just pushes guys away. And no girl wants that.

if you’re reading this, then you’re obviously bored, and if you’re bored, you should really go back forever ago and read the longest post on here. and a few of the others. they’re actually good. well, some of them are. parts. lol. funny thing is, i can read them and not even remember ever wrting all that. i just get into my little moods and trance kinda things and i just… go. but anyways, i love you.

tumblr why you keep me so entertained with your nonsense?

but i’m totally goin’ oldschool myspace here and doing some surveys. i actually answered these forever ago and saved them in a notepad thing, so i’ll probably leave a lot of the answers. lol.

—-

what are you doing tomorrow?
church, dinner for jerry’s birthday.

do you have any shirts with funny sayings on them?
nah.

are your bedroom walls a different color than white?
yeah.

what day of the week is it?
saturday. well, it’s technically sunday. OMGOSH i lose an hour of sleep at 2am. poooooooooop.

have you ever ridden first class on an airplane?
never ridden on an airplane, period.

what’s your name without the letters a, b, c, x, y, or z?
destin.

how often do you wear a belt?
never.

have you ever had seagulls attack you at the beach?
no.

are you excited for anything?
summer.

is there someone on your mind that really shouldn’t be there?
nah.

do you always find it cute when boys call you babe/baby?
i would.

has a boy ever asked your best friend about you?
i don’t guess.

what are your plans for today?
as in sunday, read above.

do you like your life right now?
i guess i always like life.

who was the last person you talked to last night before bed?
mom?

do you have friends you can tell stuff to and you’re sure they won’t tell?
mhm.

are you in a good mood right now?
not really.

do you take compliments well?
sometimes.

what bed did you sleep in last night?
mine.

what was the last thing you cried about?
a movie.

will you be in bed within twenty minutes?
yes.

what is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had?
coke.

is there anyone you trust who you shouldn’t?
probably. I trust too easily.

have you ever gotten the butterflies?
of course.

if you could change anything about your past would you?
no.

what are you doing next summer?
i never know what “next” really means. like this one coming up or like senior year one?

in the last month have you wanted to punch someone face in?
gosh yes.

—-

What is a compliment you received last?
i’d lost weight.

Why did your last relationship end?
none of those for me.

Do you like funny people or serious people?
they have to be able to be both.

Is the last person you kissed older than you?
no.

Are you happy right now?
not particularly.

Who did you last shoot a dirty look at?
dunno.

Do you have any tan lines?
nope.

Do you like your parents?
love.

What was the last thing you said to someone?
i actually don’t know.

Who has hurt you the most?
screw you, mr.survey maker man.

How many good friends do you have?
a couple.

Are there some songs you cant listen to because they remind you of someone?
sure.

Have you ever cheated on a partner?
never had a partner to cheat on, technically. but still, even if i had, i would  never cheat.

Have you ever told someone you loved them and meant it?
well yeah. i always mean it.

Are you happy with where you are relationship-wise now?
no.

Do you know anyone who has gotten an abortion?
know of. not personally.

Do you like to spend time with people?
sure.

Three feelings at the moment?
sleepy, dreadful, cold.

Done anything you regret so far in life?
no regrets. no use, can’t change it.

Are you thinking of someone right now?
when am i not, though?

Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
nah.

If you could have anything in the world, what would you want?
talk to my daddy one more time.

Is there a difference between the word ‘best friend’ and ‘friend’?
yes.

Can you recall the last time you sincerely liked someone?
yes.

Who is your celebrity crush?
zac efron, obviously.

Who were you with last night?
as in friday, cody.

What language do you want to learn?
none.

Is anything wrong?
not like, particularly.

Who’s making you feel the way you are right now?
well i guess technically i alone control the way that i feel when it comes to emotions.

Do you think abortions are horrible?
omgosh yes. i can’t get started on it.

When was the last time you had your heart broken?
i don’t really truthfully honestly know that i ever have had it BROKEN. like, i’ve never been INLOVE to have it broken i don’t guess. i really just don’t know.

What do you dislike currently?
school. people.

Do you read your horoscope?
no.

Have you ever smoked?
no.

Have you ever wanted someone you can’t have?
boy i was sure mad the first time i took this survey. hahaha. but yeah.

—-

Your ex’s car breaks down and they ask you for a lift. Your response?
you don’t exist and i don’t drive.

Do you consider yourself religious?
i’m a christian. religion will get you in trouble. its kind of complicated. - actually, i am like, a sucky christian. i believe and i love God though. make what you want of that.

Would you get back with your last ex if you could?
i don’t really have one. but would i get back with the last person i had a thing with, no. he’s happy and i am happy for him. i’m okay where i’m at too.

Who is getting on your nerves right now?
i’m not talking to anyone for them to.

What song are you listening to right now?
only hope - mandy moore.

What’s the last thing you put in your mouth?
pop.

Was yesterday better than today?
some of it.

Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
for some people, like - my parents (mom and step dad) are really completely in love, and i think that some people really are, but for most, no. cause it seems like relationships are always more one-sided, leaving the person who cares the most hurt in the end and it’s just, idk. i think everyone has someone, but i think it’s their job to make it work after they’re put together and i think some people just want it to come easy and they don’t want to work at it and build the relationship and make the love grow, so instead it dies. it’s not fair and it kind of sucks, but if you’re willing to work at it, then i think that it is because looking at my parents and how they’re in love and my sister and her husband and cousin and hers and just all the people that truthfully and honestly belong together and are so happy together and really love each other, it’s like, of course it’s worth all the bad that comes with it, every single bit, for that much happiness and just the feeling of getting to experience that kind of undeniable love. makes me so excited and so anxious to find it, although i’m pretty convinced that i never will. it’s not that i don’t think i’ll ever feel that way, cause i am completely capable of it, like, i know i will feel that way, it’s just that i don’t think anyone else ever will feel that way about me.

When was the last time you were extremely disappointed?
happens more than you’d think, actually. probably yesterday, maybe today. idk really.

Do you hate anyone?
no. like to really hate someone, i think you would want them to die, and i wish no more than a broken toe on anyone. i’m incapable of hating and holding grudges. but there are some fake annoying inconsiderate people who i wish would move so far away that i never had to hear their names ever again in my life, but i still wouldn’t want any harm to come their way, like i wouldn’t care if they went and made a new life and were so happy that they couldn’t stand themselves. i really would wish that they were, actually - just not anywhere near to mess anything up for me and make me mad at the sight of them.

Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?
yep.

Can you handle the truth?
lol, i have to. just not well.

Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
no.

Have you ever loved someone?
i just don’t know about love. i don’t know if you can love someone if they don’t love you. i don’t think you can be “inlove” by yourself. it takes two. but i don’t think i could say i just have crushes on people either. i mean, if you want to get technical on this question, i have LOVED many people, and once i start loving you i don’t really stop. so i love a lot of people, i just know that i have never been inlove. yanno?

Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
i have.

How many credit cards do you own?
none.

Would you rather be rich, or famous?
rich.

Are you hurting anywhere?
yeah.

Are you depressed?
no.

Have you done something bad today?
no.

Do you still talk to the person you had your first kiss with?
yes.

Quote a song lyric?
no.

Do you consider yourself bi-polar?
no.

Have you ever felt betrayed by your best friends?
yes.

Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is ok?
no.

Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
it would depend on a lot.

Where is the person you gave your heart to for the first time?
considering i’m still alive, i think it’s safe to say that it’s in my chest, which would make that said person me, and i’m sitting right here in my room.

Reason behind the last time you cried?
movie.

Reason behind the last time you laughed really hard?
i don’t actually know?

Do you believe that there’s good in everybody?
yes. somewhere.

What side of a heart do you draw first?
right.

—-

Be honest, who were you texting a little while ago?
i’ve only texted dee dee, jay, and cody today.

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
well yeah.

What is something that you realized today?
that jerry’s mom is the sweetest.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
lol @ myself taking this the first time. but sometimes i would say yes and sometimes i would say no here. haha.

Who was the first person you talked to today?
mom.

How late did you stay up last night, why?
i don’t remember.

Could you go a month without cursing?
i wish i could still say yes here. shame on me.

Have you ever ridden a horse?
i love it. i haven’t in so long but i really wish that i could. it would kill me though to do it and not have dad there or be able to tell him about it. but i really love it. i wish that i could have been in a show for him. “/

You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life, what is it?
water so i can live i guess, but that is not what i’d like to choose.

Are you anything like you were at this point last year?
i suppose i am.

Have you lost contact with someone you wish you didn’t?
yes.

When’s the last time you talked with the opposite sex on the phone?
couldn’t tell ya.

Do you think you are a good person?
yes.

Do you miss the way things used to be?
some.

Have you held hands with anyone in the past 24 hours?
no.

Are you a patient person?
not really.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months?
i could.

Are you afraid of death/dying?
a little, yeah.

How’s your heart lately?
beating and stuff that makes me live.

When was the last time you cried?
yesterday.

Who would be the first person to know if you got pregnant?
whoever was with me when i found out i guess.

Do you care what others think about you?
yes.

Do you enjoy late night phone conversations?
no.

Were you happy when you woke up today?
no.

Do you know how to change a diaper?
kind of. lol.

Do you keep a planner?
no.

Closest green object to you?
stocking.

What was the first thing you did when you woke up?
talked to mom. she had me breakfast fixed. :)

What were you doing at 8 this morning?
sleeping.

Where is your phone?
beside me.

What are you excited for?
summer.

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
here.

Have you ever worn the opposite sex’s clothing?
yeah.

What would you name your future daughter?
i like ever. but i have a ton that i love.

Do you have curly hair?
no.

Are you mad at anyone right now?
nah.

Do you live on your own?
nope.

Would you like receiving flowers or do you think that’s tacky?
gosh. i would love that.

Are you happy at the moment?
i’m fine.

What’s your status on fb/myspace say currently?
facebook says “does this weather not just make life a little better?”

^ How much feedback did it get?
some people liked it and 2 comments, i think? not looking. lol.

Who have you texted today?
told you up there.

Who did you last have over your house, why were they there?
i actually don’t know.

What was the last thing to piss you off?
people, i’m sure.

Recently, who in your house has gotten on your nerves the most?
jerry asks me tooo many questions. lol.

What all has pissed you off today, if anything at all?
idkkkkk.

What does the 10th text in your inbox say?
depends on who its from?

How about the 20th sent text?
.

Out of all of your friends who have you gotten in the worst fight with?
idk. i fight with cody like all the time but they never last, i’ve only gotten in like one with amber, and sydney, and no like forreal ones with stephanie and well, i don’t have many other true friends anymore if we’re just counting the ones i still have now. my fault kinda, i don’t really like a lot of people. like i have tons of acquaintances, but too many of them are fake and would throw ya under the bus inna second, and in the end its better not to deal with people like that so i don’t get hurt.

Who was the last person to have to deal with you having an attitude?
mom and jerry.

If you had $100 dollars, how would you spend it
food, movies, kid junk knowing me. lol

What’s something you would love to have happen right now?
something that would never happen.

You were given the opportunity to get a new cellular device, what do you choose?
keep mine, thanks.

Which of your classes in school is most capable of killing a good mood for you?
ap lit, chemistry, trig.

How nice of a person are you, honestly?
depends on a lot. i would really do too much for anyone that i really care about though. but just don’t mess up how much i trust you and like you.

What good things have happened today?
i woke up, and got to spend time with family, and i got inside the school to get my homework i forgot, and i got the adele cd, and it was beautiful and things were nice.

Is there anyone of your preffered sex who tends to mess with your head?
sure.

What have you recently gotten the most compliments on?
idk. new hair, eyes?

When you get to go shopping for new clothes, where do you go to find your clothes?
the mall.

Do and your best friend(s) act the same, or are very different from eachother?
some are similar. most are not.

How do you feel about Inter-racial couples?
whatever floats your boat.

When will be the next time you travel out of state, where will you be going?
you can never be sure, but the next i can think of is vacation to florida with cody and his family.

On a scale of 1 to 10 how shy are you?
like 0, unless you put me in front of a crowd of people around my age or older and then i turn into a blubbering bowl of nerves.

Have you ever fallen for your best friend?
once again, screw you, stupid surveymakerman. <— lolol. i love myself.

Is there something you should be doing right now, besides this survey?
sleeping, reading, cleaning, anything but this, pretty much.

Who was the last person you made plans with?
jerry’s mom.

Who did you last confide in, what did it involve?
mom gets it everyday. junk.

—-

Would you let your children smoke, drink, or do drugs?
not under my roof.

Have you ever had a pizza with jalepenos and pineapple?
no.

Anything suck right now?
school, losing an hour of sleep.

Do you like science?
no.

Have you ever had a pet that looked like a different type of animal?
no??

Do you like playing with fire?
yes i do.

Do you look more like your mom or dad’s side of the family?
neither really. certain parts from each i suppose. and different people say different things.

Did you get your wisdom teeth removed or do you still have them? Or have yours not grown in yet?
removed. :|

If you could eat anything right now what would it be?
nothing. i have eaten all day.

Have you ever been swimming in the ocean? Which one?
yes, whatever one is in florida, and myrtle beach?

What is one thing you would change about yourself?
scroll down some, theres a list of a billion and twelve things.

Would you ever get your chin pierced?
no.

Ever thought you had an STD?
no.

Do you know anyone with dentures?
yes.

What’s worse: drinking and driving or smoking weed and driving?
idk. both are terrible, irresponsible, selfish and stupid.

You can only have one sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to man is at your immediate disposal? What kind do you make?
honestly, i’m sure i’d go with the plain turkey cheese and mayo. lolol.

Is your middle finger longer than your ring finger?
well yeah.

Do you ever doubt the existence of others other than you?
definitely not. lol. sometimes i stare at myself in the mirror holding still until it freaks me out cause i wonder like, idk. its freaky. like i feel like i’m not alive or that i’m looking at myself like through. i don’t know how to explain it.

Apples or oranges?
apples.

Why does religion cause so much war?
no idea.

Can insanity bring on more creativity?
sure can.

Did you lose your v card to a girl or a boy?
didn’t lose it.

Where does the toe tag go on a dead person if they don’t have toes?
idk. don’t think about things like that.

Were you considered popular in high school?
no.

What swimsuit style do you like to wear?
one piece. grandma covering ones. lol.

Which colors do you think you look best in, and which do you think you look worst in?
no idea. i like black grey and purple. its pretty much all thats in my closet.

Doing anything interesting this summer?
florida with dakota and family, as stated before. lots of watching my new niece at my sister’s house, idk of anything else right now. possibly florida again to lissa’s? unsure, really.

Anything weird going on right now?
define weird?

What’s one place you’ve always wanted to do it? & who is the one person you’ve always wanted to do?
idk, and my [future] husband.

What do you think is your most attractive feature?
my eyes, but only when they have make-up on them.

—-

has the last person you kissed ever took their shirt off in front of you?
to like swim.

will you be in a relationship in the next couple months?
when am i ever going to be.

think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a bed?
mhm.

who were you with friday?
mom most of the day, along with the others at the hospital when i went to meet my niecy poo. :) and then cody for the evening. and all the other people around mexican and the movies then, as well.

are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants?
pj pants.

does your bf/gf ask you how your day was?
i don’t have those.

what was the first thing you did this morning?
talked to mother.

who was the first person you saw this morning?
mother.

what were you doing at 7:00 this morning?
sleeping.

what are you looking forward to in the next three months?
summer. no school.

do you call it sitting “criss-cross” or ” indian-style”?
cross-legged or indian style.

who was the last person you rode in a car with?
mom.

is there someone who has made a difference in your life?
plenty.

do you get high every weekend?
never.

have you ever kissed anyone whose name begins with j?
yeah.

do you want your tongue pierced?
no.

how’s your life lately?
it’s life.

are you anyone’s first love?
no. i don’t think i ever will be.

would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
never.

can you speak any other language, even just a little?
like barely.

have you seen both of your parents today?
my mom and jerry. i haven’t seen my dad in 2 months and 17 days, unfortunately. :(

do you prefer writing in print or cursive?
just depends.

is anyone you know a police officer?
yes.

what do you miss most about the last person you talked to?
considering i don’t know who the last person i talked to was…..

have you ever kissed the last person you texted?
yeah.

who was the last person you sat next to?
mom.

do you give special ringtones to certain people?
no.

where did you last sleep other than your house?
uhmmm, grandma’s?

what color shirt were you wearing when you had your last kiss?
don’t remember.

are you going to get hurt by a girl/guy anytime soon?
isn’t that how it always goes?

what are your plans for tonight?
this. sleep.

ever really cried your heart out?
well i’m pretty sure i wouldn’t still be alive. sooo, no.

are you multi-tasking right now?
kind of, yeah.

is there anyone you want to come see you?
sure.

ever been called babe?
yeah.

did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
no.

is there a specific moment you can replay in your mind perfectly?
tons.

have you ever told anyone you were okay when you weren’t?
oh yeah.

do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?
nope. “/

what’s annoying you?
the same songs keep playing over and over on my itunes shuffle, my feeth keep falling asleep, i’m just getting sleepy and irritable. lol.

—-

goodnight. sweet dreams. don’t let the bed bugs bite. sleep tight.

and eat so unhealthily that it’s a wonder i’m still alive. lol.

When a good person dies, there should be
an impact on the world. Somebody should
notice. Somebody should be upset.
- House

We’re so arrogant, aren’t we? So afraid of age,
we do everything we can to prevent it. We don’t
realize what a privilege it is to grow old with someone.
Someone who doesn’t drive you to commit murder
or doesn’t humiliate you beyond repair.
- P.S. i love you

If you’re feeling frightened about what comes next,
don’t be. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead
you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise
both your heart and your mind as you create your
own path towards happiness, don’t waste time with
regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the
present, each moment, as it comes; because you’ll
never get another one quite like it. And if you should
ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a
breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back
to the purest place in your heart… where your hope
lives. You’ll find your way again.
- Gilmore Girls

without the dark, we’d never see the stars.

i want to be the person that you just can’t wait to see so that you can give me a great big hug because you’ve been wanting to for hours. the person that you want to see, even if just for a few minutes because you just love me that much, i want to be the person that you think about when you see something beautiful, and i want to be the one you wish was by your side when you see a cute couple or two people in love walk by you.

Some days, I get such a sick feeling. Everything about my life seems so empty, so meaningless. Each minute holds something familiar, something I saw yesterday and the days before. Every second seems to drag on, and my heart feels so lonely. I feel so bored with my life and everything in it. and then other days, everything feels so great. The sky sings pretty songs of love and I can’t stop smiling. Everything I encounter gives me that same feeling of the warm sun on your skin after you’ve been cold so long. I have hope and everything is bright and new and so, lovely

A teenager once asked an old man, “in a relationship, which is more important: to be loved or to love?”
Then he replied, “Which is more important to a bird? The left wing or the right?” - this.

Today I was talking with my best guy friend while he was saying he should’ve
done this, he should’ve done that. I laughed and said, “You really don’t get it,
do you? All a girl really wants is a guy to care for her, to text her back, to give
her his jacket when she’s cold. It’s that simple. If any girl tells you otherwise,
she’s probably not worth it.

i’m going to start agreeing with anything negative anyone says about me and making a joke of it so that they feel stupid and don’t get the satisfaction of feeling like they brought me down

if you really liked me, i wouldn’t have to force you to just give me a hug. you’d want to. and you wonder why i’m so insecure…

should be reading it. haven’t started. due monday, with an assignment that i had to go to the school today and get. yay.

Dear subconscience,
Where the heck did THAT come from?!
Sincerely, afraid to sleep now.

i want someone to hold me tight, play with my hair, touch my face, kiss me, hug me and spin me around, hold my hand and play with my fingers, ticklestratch me, kiss my forehead/nose/hands, look into my eyes and tell me they love me so i know they mean it, see me do something stupid or hear me say something stupid and just laugh and tell me they love me, look at me and realize how much that they love me and how beautiful they think that i am and just smile, even when i’m not looking at them. and want to do all of that. so yeah, uhm, pretty much i just want someone to fall in love with me. and that’s it.

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you.

I’ve never been scared of someone before. Sometimes a little intimidated, but never scared. But you, you scare me with your beautiful eyes & your amazing smile. I’m so scared that I’ll fall for you & want to love you forever, but you won’t feel the same so i’ll just get hurt and i’ll never allow myself to find anyone else to take your place, because i feel like you are the best thing for me and all that i deserve. so i’ll just be miserable, forever, while you’re going along your marry way with someone else, loving them ten times as much as you ever even thought about or attempted to even care for me.

Dear kids standing in the hall,
I know you can’t walk and talk at the same time, but could you at LEAST move to the side?
Sincerely, annoyed

You didn’t say anything to hurt me. It was all the things you wouldn’t say, all the things I could see in your eyes & you wouldn’t share with me. It was all those things that made me hurt

I could go on and on about how big of a
jerk you are and how much I hate you.
But at the end of the day when my head
hits the pillow, you can bet your last dime
that I’ll still thank God that you’re in my life.

I want to be the girl you hit a homerun for. The one you score a goal for. The one you write a song for. The one you draw a picture for. The one who can make you smile and laugh without even trying. The one you stay up all night thinking of. The one who makes your heart skip a beat.

if i died tomorrow, would you have any regrets?

I want to marry you because you
are the first person I want to look
at when I wake up in the morning,
and the only person I want to kiss
goodnight. Because the first time
that I saw these hands, I couldn’t
imagine not being able to hold them.
- Definitely, Maybe

i reallllllllly want this ring. buy it for me and i’d love you, now and forever.

Love and death are two uninvited guests. Nobody
knows when they come, but both do the same work.
One takes the heart, and the other takes its beat.

just tell me that you think i’m prettier than her and that i mean more to you. that’s all i need.

Dear Google and Facebook,
I’m invited to the verb party… right?
Sincerely, Photoshop.

And ultimately, he’s going to find out. How you chew, how you sip, how you dance, how you smell at every point in the day. The fact that most of your friends are shallow. That you hate sitting in science class, the middle seat. How you love chocolate, how you can be hyper at times, how certain games and shows make you really happy. How cranky you get when you PMS or when you’re tired, how you think you look bad in all your photos on facebook. He’s going to know everything about you. And you know what? He’s still going to love you.

Sorry is like a band-aid. Just because you use it, doesn’t mean it’s gonna heal the wound.

Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

i’m scared of the future. i’m scared of growing up &failing at my life. i’m scared of being old &alone. i’m scared i’m never going to find someone who actually loves me.

chances are like lightning, they never hit the earth at the same spot twice. so when a chance comes your way, grab it cause it may never come again.

It’s funny when you finally get over someone. You start seeing them in a whole new perspective. It’s like you’re looking at them through the eyes of your best friend, and you realize he’s nothing special. He’s just another ordinary boy.

of the same ‘ole, same ‘ole.

spdgojaeoijiorsjgojawtoijozijegoibjsirj4.

haven’t done one of these in forever, though.

1. What is your URL name about?
it’s in either the first or second sisterhood of the traveling pants movies and i like the saying and hugs and kisses.
2. Where was your display picture taken?
heck if i know. it’s not me.
3. What does your headline mean?
pinky promises are very important to me.
4. What’s your crrent mood?
is paranoid even a mood?
5. What’s your most valued posession?
i hate to be cliche and materialistic and say my phone, but that’s it i guess.
6. How are things in your relationship?
well obviously i have none, of course.
7. If you could go back in time, would you?
not at all.
8. If you could be an animal for a day, what would you be?
probably a house cat or dog. they are so lazy and have it so easy.
9. Ever had a near death experience?
not like, literally was almost dead and was saed, no.
10. Who is your most recent ex?
i don’t guess i have one.
11. Have you ever sang in frnt of a large audience?
yes.
12. What’s the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
it really depends, it differs on different people.
13. What do you normally order from starbucks?
frappucino.

FACTS: Last Person Who

5. Laid in your bed other than you?
my mom, i think?
6. Made you cry?
well myself i guess. it was over my dad.
7. You went to the movies with?
cody.
8. Went to the mall with you?
sydney.
9. You showered with?
no one.
10. Said they loved you?
mom.

FACTS: General stuff

11. Wheres your favorite hangout?
lol, park.
12. What are you most scared of this second?
losing people. or failing.
13. Does anyone like you?
well i guess so. but i will never let myself be sure.
14. Have you ever farted?
who hasn’t?
15. Are you lonely right now?
i guess.
16. Song stuck in your head right now?
set fire to the rain - adele.
17. Been on t.v or radio?
yeah.
18. Ever liked someone who treated you like crap?
yeah.
19. What color shirt do you have on now?
turquoise.
20. Name three things that you do every day?
talk, pee, sleep.
21. Whats your favorite show?
my life as liz or american idol.
22. Who got you to join Myspace?
stephanie.
23. Wish someone was next to you this morning when you woke up?
no. grumpy. had school. blah.
24. What web site do you visit the most?
this or facebook.
25. Do you have plants in your room?
fake.
26. Who was the last person to hug you?
mom or dee dee.

so i’m probably just gonna do like a billion of these now. i realized that i have missed them. used to do them in bulletins  on myspace.

so uh, sorry if it is an annoyance to you few followers. lol.

—-

What would you do if you found out the person you like was in a relationship?
well, i’d be pretty pissed off and upset, to say the very least.

Do you think you’re wasting your time on the person you like?
well, apparently. but you never know i guess. i’m sure i’m not the only one, so it’s all good.

What do you get complimented on the most?
my eyes.

Name two people you tell everything to?
mom and cody.

The person you have feelings for shows up at your house, what do you do?
ask why he’s here.

Will you talk to the person you like tonight?
mhm.

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
there’s always some reason to smile.

Could you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
oh yeah.

How are you feeling?
very terrible, actually.

How do you feel about big trucks?
they scare me a little.

Does anything hurt on your body right now?
yeah.

Do you want someone to call you right now?
no. i hate the phone.

Do you miss someone?
oh my gosh yes.

Is something wrong right now?
there’s always something wrong with me. :|

Can you play an instrument?
unfortunately not. “/

Are you mad at someone?
nah.

Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?
i wish.

Can you honestly say you listen to all kinds of music?
no.

Would you prefer a thunderstorm or for it to be snowing?
snow if it gets me out of school. but i’m sick of it, so bring on the storm i guess.

Have you ever fought over the opposite sex?
not really, no.

Are you good at math?
i COMPLETELY suck at it, hardddddd.

Do you usually listen to your parents?
always.

Do you have any siblings? Do you get along?
yes, and yeah.

Do you cry a lot?
gosh yes.

Do you act more silly or serious?
depends.

Are you good at keeping secrets?
if need be, i really can keep secrets well.

Would you like to fall in love?
well, only if the other person would fall in love with me too. cause i’m just not up for this whole getting crushed thing, yanno?

Do you have any gay/bi/lesbian friends?
i don’t guess you’d call them my “friends” really. but i mean, i would - i have nothing against them.

What are you doing tomorrow?
stupid retarded gay school. fml.

—-

What’s something you do every day, no matter what?
talk to cody. lol.

What is missing in your life right now?
my dad.

Do your parents smoke in the house?
ew, my step dad does in like 2 rooms. makes me mad and paranoid that i smell like it. it’s disgusting.

How many times have you moved?
shew, i can’t even count. like 6 or 7, off the top of my head.

When was the last time you played hide and seek?
yanno, idr.

Do your cousins like you at all?
most of them love my guts.

When did you go out for ice cream last?
not too long ago. idr specifics, really.

What do you think of fish (not to eat, just in general)?
i like fish. i want some. lol.

Who in your family seems to have the worst luck?
i really don’t know. i don’t much believe in luck.

Do you know anyone who has won the lottery?
i wish.

Would you want to think like a serial killer for a day?
heckkkk no.

Do you prefer rhinos or hippos?
hippos.

Does your bedroom have shelves on the walls?
no.

How many times have you signed onto Xanga today?
none.

What is the rest of your family doing right now?
watching a movie or something.

When people ask to take pictures of you, do you oblige?
sure thing.

Are your parents overprotective?
no. my step dad tries to be but uh, not at all.

Is the inside of your neighbour’s house attractive?
it’s alright.

What genre was the last movie you watched?
no idea what forrest gump is.

Have you ever watched a really awkward movie with your parents? How did that go?
well, it was awkward, obviously.

Do you think a deer would make a good pet?
i would make it a good pet. :)

Would you rather have a swimming pool or a trampoline?
pool.

Which breed of dog do you think is ugliest?
there are countless dogs that i find hideous. but normally i still like them. lol.

Are you in a good mood today?
not really. i’ve been okay, though.

What was the last thing you did with your parents?
came home i guess? with mom.

What has been your favorite age in life so far?
i really don’t know. they’ve all had their goods and bads.

Does the thought of being fifty scare you?
yes.

Who was your favourite character on “The Weekenders”?
i don’t remember it well enought to say.

What other shows do you miss watching?
oh, check my post down there. andddd all the old disney shows were SO much better.

Are you excited for the 6th season of The Office this september?
don’t watch it.

What about the 4th season of Dexter?
don’t watch it either.

Go to fmylife.com and paste the one on the first page that you find most funny (please!):
uhm, no.

Does it bother you when surveys ask you to refer to other sites?
normally they don’t, so.

Do you have any plans for next summer yet?
next as in senior year summer, no.

What was the best thing you’ve done all summer?
it’s not summer.

Does back to school shopping make you excited or depressed?
DEPRESSED.

What’s one school supply you always make sure to buy?
i have to buy notebooks. i use paper like nobody’s business. 1 sheet for 1 precal problem. REDICULOUS.

Do you know anyone who gets waited on hand and foot?
yes i do.

What do you think about this being my 100th survey? Pretty neato, huh?
i really don’t care.

Do you want to repaint your bedroom a different color?
i am in like april or may?

Do people ever do street racing down your street at night?
no.

Are freckles attractive to you?
omgosh. most always. i think they’re so freaking cute.

What about moles?
no.

for the first time ever.

aw, i love it so far. :)

I’m terrified because I don’t want anyone to have your heart.
I don’t want anyone to kiss your lips or feel your arms around them.
I don’t want anyone to be the girl you’re completely in love with.

But I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Well, it burned while I cried
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

You deserve the right kind of love, the kind of love that makes you happy, the fantastic love that’s in books and movies. Even if you aren’t together forever, you’ll want to look back and never regret falling in love with him. That’s the kind of love we all deserve.

If you’re going to trust someone with your heart, make sure they have a heart of their own so they know how it feels when it’s broken.

I wish you could see how much I care. How much I want you to care back. You really matter to me, and somehow I will get that through your head. I won’t give up until I do because I love you.

i love that song, band, drawing, and especially tattoo.

i remember every word you ever told me. i can’t stop thinking about it. so i keep talking. because i’m so scared that you’ll stop.

When a girl complains that a guy has no heart, it usually means he has hers.

if “plan A” doesn’t work out, don’t worry, you still have 25 letters left

I don’t need you to love me. But you have to open up your heart to somebody. You’ve gotta let someone discover
how staggering you are, just don’t be alone. That I can’t live with.

i want some macaroni and cheese.

and it has completely screwed up my internet and it works for two minutes then stops for 5. it’s so wonderful. so i’m probably gonna do all this for it to not even post. :|

but anyways -

Stop falling in love with everything that lets you down, even if your hands
are shaking and your faith is broken, even as the eyes are closing, do it
with a heart wide open. Say what you need to say.

As we drifted apart, I was becoming more desperate to save what we once had shared; like a vicious circle, however, my desperation made us drift apart even further.

This is for every time you built me up just to make me cry. This is for all those things you said that turned out to be a lie. This is for every day I spent alone and I couldn’t get out of bed. This is for every night I couldn’t sleep cause you were in my head. This is for every promise you made and then later on you broke. This is for all the lies behind every word you spoke. This is for every time you brought me down and made me feel like dirt. This is for the way I feel every time I see you with her. This is for all this time I kept my stupid dream. This is for all the signs I knew I should have seen. This is for missing you every time I’m having fun. This is for loving you, despite everything you’ve done. 

None of your scars can make me love you less.

In love, never put yourself in the situation where you are not sure where you stand in someone’s life. Never expect, never assume. So that if they choose to drop you, you have enough strength to move on.

Over the course of a lifetime, you meet a lot of people.
Some of the stick with you through thick and thin.
Some weave their way in your life and disappear.
But once in a while, someone comes along who
ears a permanent place in your heart.

When you start to really know someone, all his physical characteristics
start to disappear. You begin to dwell in his energy, recognize the scent of
his skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell. That’s why
you can’t fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it,
want to own it. You can love it with your eyes & your body but not your heart.
And that’s why, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, any
physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant.

Never give up on someone you can’t go a day without thinking about.

I think the best part is reaching that point of your relationship where everyday
feels the same and that you don’t have to worry about anything changing.
You’ll still wake up to the same sleepy face and still be encapsulated by the
warmth of the same awkward limbs, and still be able to share the same silly
comments and thoughts and faces that only you two understand. I know it sounds
repetitive and boring and is just a pattern that some can’t break, but I think it’s
the most comforting in the world because some people can never reach that
point and I think it means a lot when you do. It’s letting someone see and be
with you in a way that no one else could. That’s what makes it so special.

sometimes i think you like to see just how much you can hurt me, and how much i’ll take.

do you ever just have those days where absolutely nothing in the world is right? like nothing you can do makes you feel better. you can’t cry, you can’t sleep it off, you can’t do anything because nothing works and you just want to scream. like scream to the top of your lungs and grit your teeth and run away just run until you get away from everything and everyone. and you don’t want to talk to anyone because you know that they really don’t care. you’re an annoyance to them, they don’t know what to say, and they have problems of their own so you don’t want to be a burden to them. my daddy is gone. the one person i would want to talk to doesn’t want to hear it, know what to say, or even care really. and then the other person i would want to talk to lives a billion and twelve miles away. it’s just one of those days where i’m like really, i have no friends. i’ve limited myself to like two people and they both have plenty of other people. i just don’t understand how the most fake and mean people have tons of friends and little me here cares so deeply about everyone and loves everyone with my all and i have like no one. that’s the most unfair thing ever i think. like i’m not one of the fake people who would throw you under the bus if it meant my own gain in a heartbeat. but my school is so full of those people. it’s disgusting how heartless and cold people are. i just don’t see how people just don’t care. like how can you know someone is hurting and not want to make them feel better or just, idk. how can you claim to have feelings for someone and not just want to hug them and kiss them and be with them and do little things just to make them happy and see them smile. i just need to understand that not everyone is like me and that the people who aren’t like me are so much better off. i wish that i could learn to be a little colder but i just can’t. even if i try. i get sick at the thought of so much. i feel like death currently just because i worry SO MUCH about the future it’s like, i can’t even enjoy the present. like, i say that i trust people too easily, but i don’t think that i really trust anyone. like i feel like i truly have no one that doesn’t talk about me behind my back. i hate talking to people when i know they’re with someone else becuase i feel like they’re making fun of everything i say. i feel like i talk to much and i get on everyone’s nerves. i feel like i’m a downer and everyone gets sick of hearing how much i don’t like myself or all that i complain about. but the truth is, i really don’t do it for attention. like that’s just how i see myself. and i just don’t even understand how you can find the good in everyone else and compliment them and stuff but find no good in me whatsoever at all. i feel like everyone is two-faced. even some of my family. although i know that some of them aren’t, and some of them care just a little too much, giving everyone the impression that i’ve completely turned on God, which is not at all the case. i love my family, but i hate hate hate going to my mammaws anymore. i can’t do it without bawling because i know that my dad isn’t there and will never be again and i cannot even explain to you the kind of pain that you feel knowing that someone you love so much and someone who truly and honestly saw ONLY good in you and geniunely though that you were a near perfect person isn’t there anymore and will never be again and like, knowing that you’ll never see them again is just the worst feeling ever. it’s totaly different from missing someone who is alive. i miss plenty of people, but i know that if i really wanted to, i could call them or go see them or get a hold of them in some way and i know that they’re doing okay, but when you are forced to miss someone that you can never ever see again on this earth, it’s the hardest thing i’ve ever done. i couldn’t explain the feeling to anyone. it’s such a deep hurt that my heart LITERALLY aches when i think about it and i can’t help to when i go to my mammaws because there’s just something missing and that’s all they talk about anymore and i just have a hard time dealing with it. that’s why i don’t get inconsiderate people. like, i know what it feels like to hurt and i want to be someone who people know is there no matter what, although i’m obviously not considering no one really wants to get close to me? but that’s a good thing, cause lord knows when i get attached i REALLY get attached and when i lose them it’s just like torture. so maybe he’s just trying to protect me from that. idk. i just know that i could have just this one person to hang out with all the time and be satisfied and i don’t think that it should be that way because that feeling isn’t mutual. i just want to know that someone (other than like, my wonderful mommie) cares about me as much as i care about them. like i don’t think that i will ever find anyone who wants everything that i am and accepts me, insecurities and all. i don’t think that i’ll ever find anyone who thinks everything that i am is beautiful. i think that i’ll push everyone away cause i’ll freak them out trying to hold on to them so close because i am TERRIFIED of losing people. i just care so much for so many people, like i would die for them, and i don’t feel like anyone would do the same for me. like i know there are plenty of people who really care about me, yes. i know i have a lot of people that love me, but i want to find someone who would be willing to go out of their way to make me happy, someone who would give up something they loved for me, just really cared enough to want to listen to my problems and be there for me. like someone who saw good in me and beauty in me and forced me to see it too. just someone who really loves me i guess. i think plenty of people may like me, but i feel like after they really get to know me, they’re all gonna leave me because none of them want to put up with me and all of my craziness. like my constant thinking and overanalyzing and jealousy and insecurities and problems and how sensitive i am. and i guess that’s why the few true friends i do have i try to hold on to so tightly and i get so so scared when they hang with other people because i feel like they’re going to drop me and i’m going to lose them to someone else and then really have no one and i just get like obsessive and completely stupid and worry myself sick over nothing and things that will probably never even happen. and i don’t trust anyone’s thoughts because i feel like there’s an alterior motive to everyone’s kindness. like most of the time i feel like when people compliment me they’re actually making fun of me or are thinking in their mind that someone else is better at that or would look better in that and i feel like idek. it’s like i’m forced to realize that people like me if they keep wanting to hang out with me, but then i feel like i just annoy them and like they would be happier if i’d just stop trying. i feel like they hang out with me because they feel like they have to, and that if they don’t i’d just be annoying to them about why they don’t want to. and i feel like if i lost certain people in my life, it would devastate me and really change me forever. like i seriously feel like i need people. i feel like i really could not be happy without them. like i can’t even imagine or think about not having them, but i feel like i am completely dispensable to them. like i could die tomorrow and they would grieve and be upset for a little while and then get over it and go on like i was never even a part of their lives. i feel like they’d find new friends and just be completely fine without me. which i guess that’s how it should be, but of course i’m not like that. like idek, i guess i would eventually get over losing people, i guess you have to. i know that i could exist, even without certain people, but i don’t think i could really live. i think i would always remember them and always feel the hurt of them being gone. but i mean, i’ve lost people that i thought i never ever would before and i am perfectly fine and don’t even really miss them all the time or anything, and i never thought i would be okay without them and i am. but i just really feel like it’s different. like this one person really is such an important person in my life and has made such an impact and i’ve never felt the way i do about anyone else and i don’t think i could ever replace them or get over losing them. but i mean, i’m like that with a lot of people. but i feel like life is just unfair and you lose everyone. so maybe it’s good to be cold hearted and shallow. sure, you might seem terrible, but you’re better off in the long run and you don’t get hurt i guess. but then in a way, i think i’d rather get hurt and upset and actually let myself have feelings for people and stuff than have no feelings at all. i don’t think you can really love people if you just shut everyone out. so in a way it’s good that i am like i am, and in a way it’s bad. like i really feel, and i really care, and if i love you, i really love you. and i think that people will remember that about me when i’m gone and that’s really what i want. but then again it kinda sucks at the current time. i just open up to way too many people and think that they care. and it’s a relief when you find someone who actually does. and believe it or not, there are a few out there. i just wish everyone would let themselves feel the way i do about people. like i wish people would see things the way i do and have feelings and thoughts like me just for a little while so they would be more sensitive to people like me. and besides, i think it’s kind of an amazing thing to see people the way i do and love them like i do. it’s a good feeling sometimes. i love when people feel like they can open up to me and i’ll listen. i love when people feel like they can trust me. cause then i feel like i can do the same with them and it feels amazing to know that you have someone like that. i just want to know that i am someone’s first choice. like i’m the one that they would choose over anyone to be with or hangout with or come to with their problems or anything. uhm, blah blah blah blah blah. i’m done. and i love adele. :)