well fuck prom…

and everyone and everything that has to do with it

….anddddd that’s all i have to say about that.

i really really really miss my dad.

it’s harder. i can talk about it without even whimpering and i feel so cold, but my heart literally hurts and all i want is for him to be here to hug me. like you really have no idea. no one really has any idea at all. this is one hurt that i can’t even describe and it will never go away and he’ll never come back and i need him. i’m still just a kid.

and i realized while trying on dresses today with my absolutely gorgeous best friend that being a size 0 means absolutely nothing but i can’t even stop losing weight. i’m not even doing it on purpose.

i also realized that i am not happy with myself at all.

i mean,  i hate my body.
i hate my stomach.
i hate all my stretch marks.
i hate my bruises cause i get them if you just touch me.
i hate my hair and how it does what it wants no matter what.
i hate that my make-up looks like pure shit at the end of the day and no one even bothers to tell me.
i hate my bottom teeth.
i hate how pale and sensitive my skin is.
i hate my hair color.
i hate that i can only sing in a certain range and can’t go high at all.
i hate how big my nose is.
i hate my toenails.
i hate my back.
i hate my clothes and how i don’t even fit into them.
i hate how my hair gets tatty stringy and greasy in a matter of hours.
i hate how my face stays broken out looking and so uneven on one side.
i hate that i have two different ears.
i hate that my eyes never look the same.
i hate that i always use too much nail polish and get it everywhere.
i hate my eyebrows and how they grow overnight.
i hate my peach fuzz blonde mustache on my face.
i hate that my wrists are too small to wear normal sized bracelets.
i hate how hairy my arms are, and i am in general.
i hate how jealous i am and how easily i let things get to me.
i hate that i bore everyone with my problems when they have problems of their own.
i hate how easily i open up to everyone.
i hate how people are so fake.
i hate high school period.
i hate that my boobs shrunk and there’s not a bra that’s really my perfect size.
i hate that i have no butt whatsoever.
i hate that i can never put together outfits and look super cute.
i hate that my hair won’t curl, or do anything but lay flat to my head, for that matter.
i hate how teeny tiny small my lips are.
people think being skinny is so fun and its not. you’re just bony and then what meat you do have is all flabby. and then you can’t be fat cause then people are all on your to be skinny, then when you’re skinny they’re all on your for not eating when you clearly do. it’s like no matter what i do look like or say i can never win, so why even try.
there’s just about nothing about myself that i wouldn’t change. my eyes, maybe. and that’s about all. everything else i would love to change or rearrange or get rid of. i seriously can’t find beauty in myself by the end of the day and i can’t stand to look at myself and that’s just sad. it’s like i’m stuck in a body that i don’t even want but i have to make due. i guess you’re never really satisfied with yourself though, so whatever. what can ya do?

anyway, i’m so sleepy and i have homework. i took me a cat nap though a little earlier by accident. butttttt i just needed to vent a little i guess. and here’s about the only place that i could openly vent without getting fed some bullshit about how wonderful i am when i know they’re just saying it out of pity, or get shrunk and almost put into therapy or something, or would care i guess. i mean, clearly you can’t care since you’re like a website, but it’s better to bother an empty box with my problems and insecurities than someone who doesn’t care, want to hear it, or know what to say, i guess. i need to quit being annoying and talking so much. i never ever shut up. i ruin everything and over think and over analyze and worry about everything until i make it non enjoyable. i dunno, i’m a screw up some days. and some days other people are too. dicks.

this world is so full of cold hearted fake immature people who just don’t care and find humor in other people’s pain and insecurities and it’s sickening. it blesses my soul to find someone who truly does. one of those people that you just know really wants you to be happy. that’s nice. there should be more of those people around.

i smell good. i need to make myself eat more but i feel like i have heartburn and i’ve been kinda sick to my stomach and shaky all day. i really hate school more every single day that i enter the building and i become increasingly annoyed with the people and teachers in it as well. it’s just terrible. the same old thing every single day. having to dread each class that you don’t understand and fail because you really have no other choice. i can’t understand chemistry and pre calculus even if i try. and the fact that everyone has just decided to stop talking to me and that they don’t need me in their lives, well - that’s cool too. i don’t need you either. makes me easier to lose all of you so whatever. and yes, it’s bound to happen. i’ve come to the conclusion that eventually you will lose everyone. like everyone you love and think will never leave you will and then new come and i’ll get too attached to them and then they’ll leave too and it’s a viscous cycle and it’s sad, but it’s a part of life so what can you do. blah. just one of those mondays.

oh, and did i mention that i miss my dad?

she’s so naturally pretty and so is that place. salty.

I took one big step and I looked away and then I thought of all the things that I wanted to say. I’m always too late, you never got your story straight. I’m always up late, I think I’m everything you hate.

he’s blind. and he is absolutely beautiful to me.

Despite my empty mouth the words are in my mind.
Please wear the face, the one where you smile,
Because you lighten up my heart when I start to cry.

And I hear your words that I made up
You say my name like there could be an us
I best tidy up my head I’m the only one in love

You shower me with words made of knives

Sometimes not even the truth can change your mind when someone can mean so much to you.

No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.

would you wait if i wrote you a perfect song tonight?
to make your heart stand still & make your chest grow tight
but i’ll never write a perfect line
& i don’t know why i even waste my time & try
& for the longest time, i couldn’t love her to save my life

He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life.

i didn’t get to play in the snow,

walk and hold hands in it, or take pictures in it. darn. “/ glad its over though.. kinda. cept for i’ll miss the snow days alot.

It’s not hard to find someone who will tell you that they love you. It’s hard to find someone that actually means it.

Never tell your problems to anyone. 20% don’t care, and the other 80% are glad you have them. - lol, i really need to take this advice

do you know how stupid i feel for pouring my feelings out to you and you knowing how i look at him, then him telling you how he looks at me, and it not even being close to the same. do you know how stupid i feel for telling you all that and then having him tell me it’s you that he has feelings for? it’s something you just about can’t get over. i still feel stupid every time i’m around you both or his name is even mentioned when we’re together. it’s like, i just want to pretend like i don’t care. i just want to take back everything i ever said.

i want to watch the spiderman movies

It’s hard when you miss people. But you know, if you miss someone that means you’re lucky. It means you had someone special in your life, someone worth missing.

Sometimes, you can say the most wrong things at the right time.

If you don’t understand my silence, then you won’t understand my words.

You are only as good as the love you have for other people.

The two coldest places on earth are Antarctica and your heart.

This is life. People will screw you over. You’ll fight with your family. You’ll witness things that will change you forever. You’ll blame new lovers for things old lovers did. You’ll lose best friends you thought would always be there. You’ll come to realize that everyone has a past. You’ll cry, you’ll laugh, and you’ll embarrass yourself. But then, you’ll find your very own moment where none of that matters; where you can sit back and realize that shit happens to the people who can handle it and that this is who you are, and that no one should want to change you, including yourself.

lol, you’d never believe…

that i actually really can’t stand your guts. :D

but anywayyyyyyyyys…

i just want someone who will tell me good morning and good night and that they love me when i least expect it. i don’t think that’s asking for too much.

Fine, I admit it. I think of you every second of every day. You’re my favorite subject to talk about. When I hug you, I wish I could never let go. Most of my dreams have you in them. I always get excited when I see you again. I go out of my way to try to see you. & i’m completely crazy for you.

PEANUT BRITTLE IS THE BEST, EVER.

we picked up things from each other.
random phrases and stupid habits
you have to admit that we’ve changed each other.

goodnight, sweet dreams, don’t let the bed bugs bite, sleep tight, i love you.

we all die. The goal isn’t to live forever,
the goal is to create something that will.

love isn’t about the words we say,
the actions we take, the things we do,
or the hearts we break. it’s about people
who can look at each other & just know.

it’s almost spring and spring is my favorite ever. let’s go write with sidewalk chalk!?

:D

here’s to the kids who will never
have 100% confidence in anything
they do. and here’s to the kids
who are okay with that.

If people say something bad about you, judge you as
if they know you, don’t get affected. Just think that
dogs never bark if they know the person.

ben and jerry’s peanut brittle ice cream.

little bit of heaven, yes?

so katy perry does acoustics and plays guitar? definitely like her even more now.

i didn’t go to school today. overslept and just really wasn’t feeling it. i’ll probably regret it, but i’ll live.

no one deserves to be treated that way. So even if you love him with your entire heart, with every fiber of your being, with so much passion that it hurts to think about it, you need to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

That’s because you’re stubborn and don’t think.  If you paused your feeling for a few moments and thought, you might have a chance against your heart.

It’s hard to let go of people that mean so much to you. Even harder to watch them walk away completely fine.

“You really love him, don’t you?” A simple question. Not a name was mentioned. But suddenly, someone came into your mind as you read it.

Maybe that’s just growing up. When you’re young, you tell yourself things like, “Well, if it didn’t work out, it wasn’t meant to be,” as if that actually meant something just because it sounds like it does. I think you can say something like that so blithely because you expect to stumble onto something else just as wonderful just around the next bend in the road. But people are rare, unique things and just because everyone really does live a life full of farewells, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t at least realize what it really means to say goodbye to something that meant everything. Just because you will survive and get over it doesn’t mean you should let it go.

it’s a horrible feeling when the guy you want to talk to about your problem is your problem.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that’s not meant to be.

here’s to you. here’s to you for always being the best friend, for always being there when he needed you, for always listening to him talk about her, for being the one he hangs out with when she can’t, for listening to him complain about how she just doesn’t notice him, for going to all his games and cheering him on, for being there when things didn’t go his way and all he needed was a hug, for being there at 1 in the morning when things were falling apart and it was your phone he called. here’s to you, beautiful.. here’s to you.

you deserve someone who knows all your flaws and mistakes and still loves you just the same.

let’s be honest. sometimes there is nothing harder in life than being happy for someone else

so over the weekend,

i almost lost my dad.

scared me half to death. made me realize that stupid petty things that teens in high school call their problems, are really nothing at all.

please, if you read this and you still have your father - go give him a hug and tell him that you love him. enjoy every minute you have with him and try your hardest to talk to him as much as you possibly can. even if it’s just for a second a day. don’t let yourself regret it when he’s gone. and i guess that applies to all people.

needless to say, my weekend was a very crazy and stressful one.

and now for a few snow days. :)

i’ll edit this later and add quotes and pictures. for right now, i’m going to make bracelets.

——-

a loyal friend laughs at your jokes when
they’re not so good, and sympathizes with
your problems when they’re not so bad.

the older you get the more you realize,
it’s less important to have more friends
and more important to have real ones.

I want to be the girl that
changed everything. the girl
that made a difference. the
girl that gave you a story to tell.

I hate that feeling, when you feel hungry,
but you don’t want any food you see, and
you can’t figure out what food you want,
and you don’t think it even exists, but
then you realize that what you want
is to see the person you’re missing.

i may only be able to count my
true friends on one hand.
that doesn’t say a lot about me
but it says everything about them.

love doesn’t require you to be perfect,
but it does require you to forgive.

when she talks to you, listen to her voice.
she may be talking about the weather
but she’s screaming she loves you.

don’t point out other peoples flaws,
because you’re not perfect, you have to look in
the mirror before you can look out the window.

I don’t want the perfect boyfriend.
I just want someone to act silly with,
someone who treats me well, & absolutely
loves being with me more than anything.

if he acts like you’re not worth his time
maybe you’re not what he wants.. you’re
just a replacement for what he can’t have.

i’m GOING to learn the rap part to love the way you lie.

goodbye my hopeless dream
so long my luckless romance
should have known you’d bring me heartache, almost lovers always do.

But they’d loved each other. With the wisdom of time and passing of years, she knew that. She knew, too, that love didn’t evaporate. It faded, perhaps, lost its weight like bones left out in the sun, but it didn’t go away.

You say you don’t wanna hurt me
Don’t wanna see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown

So let’s lie in the grass, stare at the stars. Live for the moment, figure out who we are.

I know you’re probably not worth the wait, but I can’t explain what I’m going through inside. I would turn away the world just to have you here with me tonight.

I miss the way you made me feel. even if it was a lie.

Time can heal a broken heart
but it can also break a waiting heart.

I’d rather waste my life pretending
than have to forget you for one whole minute.

I like flaws. I think they make things interesting.

have you ever wondered about the things we tell ourselves as we’re falling asleep? we whisper words in the dark, telling ourselves that we’re happy, that he’s happy, that people will change their minds. we persude ourselves that we can live without the people who have left us behind. each night before we fall asleep we lie to ourselves in a desperate hope that when we wake up in the morning, it will all be true.