well fuck prom…

and everyone and everything that has to do with it

….anddddd that’s all i have to say about that.

i really really really miss my dad.

it’s harder. i can talk about it without even whimpering and i feel so cold, but my heart literally hurts and all i want is for him to be here to hug me. like you really have no idea. no one really has any idea at all. this is one hurt that i can’t even describe and it will never go away and he’ll never come back and i need him. i’m still just a kid.

and i realized while trying on dresses today with my absolutely gorgeous best friend that being a size 0 means absolutely nothing but i can’t even stop losing weight. i’m not even doing it on purpose.

i also realized that i am not happy with myself at all.

i mean,  i hate my body.
i hate my stomach.
i hate all my stretch marks.
i hate my bruises cause i get them if you just touch me.
i hate my hair and how it does what it wants no matter what.
i hate that my make-up looks like pure shit at the end of the day and no one even bothers to tell me.
i hate my bottom teeth.
i hate how pale and sensitive my skin is.
i hate my hair color.
i hate that i can only sing in a certain range and can’t go high at all.
i hate how big my nose is.
i hate my toenails.
i hate my back.
i hate my clothes and how i don’t even fit into them.
i hate how my hair gets tatty stringy and greasy in a matter of hours.
i hate how my face stays broken out looking and so uneven on one side.
i hate that i have two different ears.
i hate that my eyes never look the same.
i hate that i always use too much nail polish and get it everywhere.
i hate my eyebrows and how they grow overnight.
i hate my peach fuzz blonde mustache on my face.
i hate that my wrists are too small to wear normal sized bracelets.
i hate how hairy my arms are, and i am in general.
i hate how jealous i am and how easily i let things get to me.
i hate that i bore everyone with my problems when they have problems of their own.
i hate how easily i open up to everyone.
i hate how people are so fake.
i hate high school period.
i hate that my boobs shrunk and there’s not a bra that’s really my perfect size.
i hate that i have no butt whatsoever.
i hate that i can never put together outfits and look super cute.
i hate that my hair won’t curl, or do anything but lay flat to my head, for that matter.
i hate how teeny tiny small my lips are.
people think being skinny is so fun and its not. you’re just bony and then what meat you do have is all flabby. and then you can’t be fat cause then people are all on your to be skinny, then when you’re skinny they’re all on your for not eating when you clearly do. it’s like no matter what i do look like or say i can never win, so why even try.
there’s just about nothing about myself that i wouldn’t change. my eyes, maybe. and that’s about all. everything else i would love to change or rearrange or get rid of. i seriously can’t find beauty in myself by the end of the day and i can’t stand to look at myself and that’s just sad. it’s like i’m stuck in a body that i don’t even want but i have to make due. i guess you’re never really satisfied with yourself though, so whatever. what can ya do?

anyway, i’m so sleepy and i have homework. i took me a cat nap though a little earlier by accident. butttttt i just needed to vent a little i guess. and here’s about the only place that i could openly vent without getting fed some bullshit about how wonderful i am when i know they’re just saying it out of pity, or get shrunk and almost put into therapy or something, or would care i guess. i mean, clearly you can’t care since you’re like a website, but it’s better to bother an empty box with my problems and insecurities than someone who doesn’t care, want to hear it, or know what to say, i guess. i need to quit being annoying and talking so much. i never ever shut up. i ruin everything and over think and over analyze and worry about everything until i make it non enjoyable. i dunno, i’m a screw up some days. and some days other people are too. dicks.

this world is so full of cold hearted fake immature people who just don’t care and find humor in other people’s pain and insecurities and it’s sickening. it blesses my soul to find someone who truly does. one of those people that you just know really wants you to be happy. that’s nice. there should be more of those people around.

i smell good. i need to make myself eat more but i feel like i have heartburn and i’ve been kinda sick to my stomach and shaky all day. i really hate school more every single day that i enter the building and i become increasingly annoyed with the people and teachers in it as well. it’s just terrible. the same old thing every single day. having to dread each class that you don’t understand and fail because you really have no other choice. i can’t understand chemistry and pre calculus even if i try. and the fact that everyone has just decided to stop talking to me and that they don’t need me in their lives, well - that’s cool too. i don’t need you either. makes me easier to lose all of you so whatever. and yes, it’s bound to happen. i’ve come to the conclusion that eventually you will lose everyone. like everyone you love and think will never leave you will and then new come and i’ll get too attached to them and then they’ll leave too and it’s a viscous cycle and it’s sad, but it’s a part of life so what can you do. blah. just one of those mondays.

oh, and did i mention that i miss my dad?

she’s so naturally pretty and so is that place. salty.

I took one big step and I looked away and then I thought of all the things that I wanted to say. I’m always too late, you never got your story straight. I’m always up late, I think I’m everything you hate.

he’s blind. and he is absolutely beautiful to me.

Despite my empty mouth the words are in my mind.
Please wear the face, the one where you smile,
Because you lighten up my heart when I start to cry.

And I hear your words that I made up
You say my name like there could be an us
I best tidy up my head I’m the only one in love

You shower me with words made of knives

Sometimes not even the truth can change your mind when someone can mean so much to you.

No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.

would you wait if i wrote you a perfect song tonight?
to make your heart stand still & make your chest grow tight
but i’ll never write a perfect line
& i don’t know why i even waste my time & try
& for the longest time, i couldn’t love her to save my life

He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life.

uhm, i love you.

life isn’t all about love, or friends, or family.
life is about having the will in your heart to
accept everyone that god has brought to you.

love me without fear, trust me without wondering.
love me without restrictions, want me without
demand, accept me how i am.

spend life with you makes you happy.
not who you have to impress.

sometimes you just need to talk to that one person
who will let you talk and ramble, listen to you complain
and look like an idiot. but still love you the same.

i have come to realize that hes just a guy, a special
one maybe, but hes not mine. i don’t need to do things
to make him love me. if he wanted to, he simply would.

The worst thing you could do for
love is deny it. So when you find that
special someone, don’t let anyone or
anything get in your way.

if a girl can put up with you through your worst days,
and still stick with you and all your crap, then it’s kind
of obvious that you shouldn’t let her go.

the thing about dating a friend is that you’ve got history.
you’ve got stories, and laughs that you can talk about.
it’s much easier, and better, then starting from scratch.

cause in the end you’re just a typical guy
dragging a girl along cause you’re
not really sure what you want.

when you’re still smiling about something
that happened six months ago,
you know there’s got to be more

so i’m pretty sure my life will get a little better on the 8th.

new season of my life as liz!

:D

I’m sorry for not being perfect, for not being the one you wanted. I’m sorry I’m not pretty, or not tall enough. I’m sorry that I’m so screwed up, but I’m just an average teenage girl, stumbling through my imperfect world.

Girl Language: When I said sorry, believe me I feel it. When you see me starting to cry, hold me and tell me everything’s gonna be alright. When I ignore you, give me your attention. When I’m quiet, ask me what’s wrong. When I push or hit you, grab me and don’t let go. When I’m mad and I walked away from you, follow me. If I didn’t text you, it’s because I’m waiting for you to text me. When I say I love you, Don’t doubt. I mean it.

Be careful to whom you give your heart to because when you give your heart to someone, you’re not only giving that person the right to love you but also the power to hurt you.

Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that you are a good person and a good friend. What is meant to be will end up good if what is not won’t. Relationships are worth fighting for but sometimes you can’t be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don’t, you must move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. Hopefully, people realize great things when they come around and don’t lose something real. Always fight, until you can’t anymore, and then be fought for.

Don’t waste time lingering over all that you could have, should have and would have done. Don’t spend your days thinking of how much better you could do; don’t long for something that has been and always will be out of your reach. Just live the days as they come. Wake up every morning and smile at the wonderful day that awaits. And when opportunity comes knocking on your door, don’t ignore it. Don’t run away. Pull yourself together, and open the door. Let love in.

Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.

i wanna shout everything i feel about you. but i can’t, because it would only hurt me to see everyone listening, everyone except you.

God gave me 5 fingers for a reason. My pinky is for my best friends and our promises that will never be broken, my ring finger is for marriage and for proof that we’ll be together forever, my middle finger is for that person that pushes me too far and to show them how I feel, my pointer finger is to silence them, to savor the moment, my thumb is for everyone, to let them know that I’m gonna be okay. No matter what.

I hate that my stomach isn’t flat. I hate that I’m not confident, funny, or cute. I hate that I’m not as pretty as other girls. I hate that you’ll never look at me the way you look at her. But at least I can admit that I’m not perfect nor will I ever try to be. And that’s what I love about myself.

all those hidden emotions just came crashing down on me. You told me you wanted to just be friends and I immediately regretted ever giving you my heart. It’s funny how you can love someone, but no power in the world can make them love you back.

starmaker.

coolest app ever.

oddly enough, i actually really like that dress.

i keep getting these magazines of nothing but ugly prom dresses. seriously, don’t waste your time and remind me that i’m so lame and getting old. stupids.

In the end, it’s better to say too much than to never say what you need to say.

Every time she laughs, she hopes he’s watching. Not so that he sees she’s happy, but that maybe, just maybe he’ll fall for her smile, just as hard as she fell for his.

i want a guy best friend who gets mistaken as my boyfriend. a guy best friend is everything you need. another boy who makes your life complete. a boy who i can run to when my girl best friends aren’t around. he’ll kick my future boyfriend’s ass when he makes me cry. he’ll make me laugh when there’s tears in my eyes. he is immediately my date on special occasions when you’re single. I don’t know why. but i really need a guy best friend. a real guy best friend. - i has dat. he’s wonderful, sometimes. but i want to get the boyfriend side in that story. being single begins to suck and you start to get feelings for that friend and then they act like they feel the same way and they tell you that they do and then they get tired of you and say that you’re too good of friends and it would ruin everything and they get scared and run like chickens and then they start to like someone who you were starting to consider a best friend and then you’re just left hurt and then they say stuff to make it all better, but then you have to worry about whether or not it’s all a lie. so no, no one wants this…. sometimes. but then other times, it’s the greatest thing you could ever have, and it makes you so happy to have someone like him in your life. it’s kind of like a roller coaster. like you love the ride cause it’s fun and it makes you so happy, but then after you ride it so long it starts to make you sick and you decide that maybe you want off? it starts to bang your ears off the sides and hurts you a little, but then like as soon as you get off and get settled down, you want to do it all over again. it’s pretty indescribable, even if it seems like i just did. you could never really understand. but you’ll never want to change it or give it back after you find it. you’ll want to hold on to it, and sometimes, too tight.

you should never fight your feelings, when your very bones believe them.

grow old with me. the best is yet to be.

None of those other things make a difference. Love is the strongest thing in the world, ya know. Nothing can touch it. Nothing comes close. If we love each other, we’re safe from it all. Love is the biggest thing there is.

it’s crazy right? to love someone who’s hurt you. it’s even crazier to think that someone who hurt you, loves you.

I don’t want to remember you. Because remembering you means you’ll be gone. Remembering means I won’t have you in my life. I never want to have to remember you.

it hurts so much to think that you could read all this and think of someone else the entire time.

coke > pepsi.

js.

it’s like i live a thousand lifetimes still looking for the one that feels right
see, moving on just isn’t working
you lit the fire that i’m burning
& all i’ve been doing is protecting a lie for the sake of my pride
while all the others set me thinking
we could be more than just amazing

And you probably won’t remember half the things I’ll never forget.

so there’s this boy, he makes fun of me because i can only stay on a subject for like 5 seconds and them i’m on to the next one. he listens to me when i’m sad and handles me when i’m mad. i tell him i hate him and he responds with, “no you don’t.” yeah he’s not prince charming, but to me he couldn’t be more perfect.

Four Lessons on Life
1. Never take down a fence until you know why it was put up.
2. If you get too far ahead of the army, your soldiers may mistake you for the enemy.
3. Don’t complain about the bottom rungs of the ladder; they helped to get you higher.
4. If you want to enjoy the rainbow, be prepared to endure the storm.

If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand.

i have a ukulele. swore i would play it if i got it. it has jellyfish and a turtle on it. it’s been in its case thing over on my tv stand ever since…because i’m incapable of even tuning it. yesssssssss.

[love] - giving another human the ability to completely destroy you;
but trusting them not to.

The best thing in life is finding someone who knows all your mistakes and weaknesses and still thinks you’re completely amazing.

Sometimes it seems like you’d rather watch me drown
than get your own hands wet.

Too many people get caught up in what could be instead of appreciating what is. Don’t fall into that trap. Appreciate what you have and who you have, because the future can take it all away from you.

I’ve always, always, always wanted to find one of those. it’s a goal of mine.