the world is always ready to receive talent with open arms.
my fortune from chinese. anywaysssss though - i’ve been sleeping so much lately i haven’t written out all my feelings, but i’ve had them all. i’ve just made a list of all that i want to talk about.
First of all, i’m guessing love is in the air considering every time i hit home on facebook two new people are in a relationship and i’m all, seriously guys - come on. forever alone here. and it’s just depressing that everyone is finding someone and i’m just like…. that’s cool, i’ll just sit here and uhm, sleep.
secondly, when all these girls do find these guys, WHERE do they find amazing ones who like just look at them with these eyes that just show that they like reallllly love them, like they’ll do anything for them, wait on them hand and foot, are COMPLETELY whipped, and even if they aren’t getting any. and i’m like, HELLO - what did you do to deserve someone SO amazing like that when i have the biggest heart in the universe and i can’t get anyone to like me, ever. like no one that i’d want to anyways. i don’t get it. like how do all these cold people who don’t even TRY to make people like them have SO many friends when i worry myself half to death over people liking me, yet no one does? i don’t much get it. but whatever, yanno. i’m starting to feel like, if people want to be a part of my life, then they’ll make a point to be in it and i’m gonna stop trying to force people to hang out with me. like they obviously could care less if they lose me, so why should i tear myself up about making them stay? they’re going to end up with who they really want to be with anyways and obviously that sure isn’t me, so that’s fine. i’ll just do something else. i guess it’s just that i hate thinking that anyone could ever know you as well as i do or anyone could take my place in your life since no one could ever take yours in mine, but i am completely indispensable to you, and i have to realize that and just make myself stop being so damn pathetic and psycho crazy and upset and just be like look, you lose people, you can’t keep them close if they don’t want to be, and you just gotta deal with it and not let it ruin you. like there is nothing else you can do. so this turned into something else completely but that’s okay, i’m gonna just keep going. so i’m glad that i can tell you how i feel about everything and you can ignore it and not reply and then rub the fact that you’re spending all weekend with her in my face even after that and it not bother you one bit. like i get that you don’t like me anymore and that’s fine, but not even a best friend likes to see you hurt and you KNOW stuff that you say hurts me but you do it anyways. and you say that you don’t mean to but if you didn’t mean to you wouldn’t do it and then laugh when i get all paranoid about it. i get that you have other friends and that’s fine, hang out with other people. but it’s the fact that it seems like you seriously grow more tired of me every single day. like you hate me a little more daily and you grow more fond of them. like you act like it’s nothing at all to you to not hang out with me or barely even TALK to me all week when it kills me and that just really is not fair. we are absolutely nothing like we used to be. you used to care for me so much and you used to tell me everything. what you were doing what you wanted to do, and you wanted to be with me and you wanted to talk to me and tell me good morning and good night and how much you loved me. like it’s written ALL over everything in my room. i can count 15 things that say it just sitting here. like you wanted me to know and now i can’t even remember the last time that you said it first. you used to tell me that i was beautiful and stuff and now i can’t even remember the last time that you even complimented me. you think its so funny to insult me and see me get worked up over it but you don’t realize that i think about it for forever afterwards and some things really do hurt me. and i tell you things that bother me thinking you’ll be sensitive enough to my feelings to maybe not bring up things anymore but it’s like you only do more. you know it bothers me that you don’t tell me how you feel and that you don’t reply to me over serious things and you ignore all my feelings and mention people and you do it anyways for that very reason it seems. i don’t know when everything changed for you, but it didn’t for me. so then that leaves me just stuck looking like a loser. but i’m starting to see things differently because i finally am realizing how stupid that i look for just i don’t know, taking it all. just being like, well - maybe one day he’ll realize that he really does like me and care about me, maybe one day he’ll start to miss me and then feel the same again. but let’s get real, you’re not. like i feel like you don’t even want to be as close of friends anymore or anything because i think you’re afraid that i’ll get the wrong impression or something. no, i know you don’t like me. like, i’m pretty sure you’ve made that clear. and you’ve been making it very very clear lately who you would rather be hanging out with. but don’t lie to me about anything because that just makes it worse. like i know you say you don’t like her, and hey, maybe you don’t - but yanno, just judging by the way things look here, wouldn’t you think the same? i mean, i feel like if it were me, i couldn’t get you to go to my games for anything in the world. i can’t get you to go to my performances so idk, i just don’t understand what’s so special about these people. i mean i didn’t even think so and so liked so and so or you liked so and so or you liked this or that. it’s like i feel like they’re getting to know a different you and i’m just losing you and can’t do anything about it. and then when i tell you that, you say nothing to it. nothing at all. so do you understand why that i’m so insecure and so paranoid about losing you? it’s because you know how i feel, and you give me no reason to believe that i’m not. actually, you just gave me MORE reason to believe that i am. and it doesn’t even bother you is the thing. like if i knew you felt that way, i would do everything in my power to keep you from feeling that way. if i knew you were insecure about something about yourself, i’d try to make you feel better about it, not worse. i think that you like her more BECAUSE of her lack of emotion, i think it scares the hell out of you to think that i actually really care for you, so i guess you’re going to try to push me away and find something that makes you feel less, asks less of you emotionally wise. idk. i don’t understand you sometimes. i just don’t know when everything changed for you because it didn’t for me. but i think it’s starting to. i’m just realizing that like, i can’t MAKE you stay closest to me, no matter what i do, if it’s not what you want. and that’s okay. i mean, as long as we’re friends still, i’m good. i’ve told you that countless times. and you know that i love you and i always will and i’ll always be here for you, but i just can’t take like being sad all the time and letting it ruin my day that you don’t ever want to talk to me like you used to or come up and do things or go places or just hang with me. like i’ve just got to do the same. but it’s just not fair that you do things that if i did, would completely make you so mad. and you know it would. and you know that deep down it would probably really bother you if i chose someone else over you. like, you know if you always felt like my second choice, that it would bother you. and that’s just on a friendly level. but that’s the thing, you take SO SO SO much advantage of the fact that you ARE NEVER second choice to me. like you know good and well i would pick hanging with you over anyone else in this world and that i’ll just not do anything if it means that i may get to hang out with you. you know that i always put you first so you never have to worry about it. like you take advantage of how much that i love you and care for you because you know that no matter what you do or say, i’m still going to feel the same and you know i can’t stand us being mad at each other and you know how afraid i am of not talking so you know i’ll just let things go and just go on and never stay mad over anything because i’m afraid that if i make you mad that you’ll stay that way. and i also know that the things that i do get mad over, i really have no right to because we’re not together or even talking or anything more than friends i don’t guess so it’s like even when i get mad i have to stop myself because that’s not something that i have the right to get mad about. like you not telling me what you’re doing, you shouldn’t have to, sooooo - i’m wrong in that. that’s why when people are all like “i’d be so mad” and stuff, i can’t be. i have no right. but still, when you hold my hand and argue with me and just know me so well and tell me you’ll help me achieve my life goals and stuff it’s hard for me to be like oh, he feels nothing for me. but then in the same evening you’ll be completely stand offish. it’s just a roller coaster. that’s why i really want to know how you feel about me, but i’m so scared to ask because i really know that the answers to the questions that i ask would not be what i want them to be and why upset myself like that when i don’t have to. like i know the answers to all the questions already for myself, so why ask them. but the thing is, if you do have feelings for me at all, telling me doesn’t mean we have to jump into no relationship or anything. i mean, you used to tell me how you felt about me all the time and it changed nothing. it just made me a heck of a lot happier and more secure. like you need to let me know things. i’m your best friend, or at least i like to think that i am, even if i don’t feel like i really am the one you tell the most to like currently, even if i completely feel replaced by other people, i still am your best friend, and you’re supposed to tell your best friend everything. who you like, how you feel, what’s going on in your life, just everything. and i can handle it. like you can tell me whatever. i’m a big girl. i just want to know. i just want to see some kind of emotion come from you. like i want to know what scares you so badly about love. like why are you so against it, why are you so afraid to let yourself really fall for someone? not everyone is like the first, not everyone is going to leave you. and no, i’m not talking about just me. i mean i know you’ve liked plenty of people, but i think you try to like the ones that you don’t expect will like you back, then when they do, you get all chicken and run and push them away. do you know what you could be missing out on by doing that? you could already have something SO wonderful. someone who loves you and cares for you so much that they would die for you in a heartbeat, but you’re like scared of it. you like someone until they like you back then you don’t know what to do anymore so you just stop. but you expect them to be ready when you finally are and honestly, no one is going to wait FOREVER. i mean, if you really think you could have something good, i believe people will wait quite a while, even when everyone else says its too long, because they believe in love and that it will happen and sometimes they’re right and i’m a firm believer in that, but there is no one on this earth that can just sit and let the one they want to be with that “may” want to be with them eventually, go and test their waters and see what all is out there and then realize what they had in the first place and go back to them and expect them to still be there just waiting, however long it takes. that’s not fair and it’s not right. so many people don’t realize what they have until its gone and then its too late and they have missed out on something that could have been amazing. i mean, i do believe that if it’s really meant to be that two people will end up together regardless. they’ll find a way if they really love each other. but that’s the thing, i think that they have to love each other first. if you run from it, and never let yourself love them or care for them, then it’s not going to bother you any to lose them and you’re gonna miss out on that and probably settle for so much less. I mean you can find a billion people who are going to like you and they’re going to be what you think you want and tickle your fancy for a little while but you’ve got to look deeper, like i guess that’s why i don’t like many people and it takes me so long to fall for people because i have to really know you before i can “like” you. i have to know you first and trust you first and feel like you’re someone i’m going to want to have in my life forever. which is why when i get attached, i attach my whole heart to yours, (which btw is NOT good when you lose people) but its like, i love how i do things. i love that i’m not a normal 17 year old girl in that aspect because i actually take the time to learn the person, i look for the one who knows how to handle my craziness and will, and will still love me, the one who wants to talk to me even when i don’t give them a chance to respond because i never shut up, someone who listens to me complain and just tells me to calm down and lines me out when i need it, someone who really knows me and knows all of my flaws and sees all of my mess ups and still accepts me, puts up with me when they really don’t have to, makes me laugh when i don’t want to smile, pushes my buttons and makes me mad and puts me on edge just to make me do better, argues with me but can turn around and tell me that they love me in the same breath, someone who deals with my childish ideals and makes plans with me even if they’re the stupidest things ever that i want to do, like i have to know you and trust you first, i actually get to know someone before i’ll let myself fall for them. so it’s like, i realize what i have, and honestly, its an honor for me to like you, not that i’m anything special or any like “trophy” to obtain, but obviously i think that you are if i’m willing to waste so much of my life caring for you. i take the good with the bad and i accept you for what you are. i put up with all the bad habits you may have and i honestly try to make you the best person that you can be, because i truthfully CARE about your future and your well being, even if i’m not going to be in it. i wish everyone were like that. i wish that everyone would stop being so two-faced and immature and just stop playing around with everyone’s emotions and start trying to read their own. i’m proud to say that my hormones do not control me, my heart does. everyone needs to be like that. say that i’m wasting my youth, say that high school is all about dating a bunch of people so you know when you have the right one, say i’ve wasted too much time on people, say that i’ll regret it, say what you will - but when i’m happily married and i have something amazing and all you have is something to keep you from being lonely for the night, you’ll see. as long as i find my right one, i will be fine. i will never regret not being with a bunch of people in high school because once i have the love of my life, what will any of that matter? it won’t. i wouldn’t even remember it. like i just can’t wait until people grow up and start seeing things through the same eyes as i do. it may suck now since everyone automatically thinks that you’re crazy and weird and they automatically write you off because they know they don’t have a chance with you more than likely because of how particular you are - but in the long run, i think i’ll have my fairytale and i believe that i’ll be okay. i’ll be happy and in love and okay. i think that the lord will make sure of that. and honestly i’d love to think that it’s someone i already know, because i have a hard time thinking that the person i am going to grow old with could not know me. like someone that i’m going to be with for forever had missed out on 17 years of my life, idk - its weird for me to think about, but i don’t know what God has in store, i mean, i don’t even know how long i’ll live, but i know what whatever, or whoever it is, he’s going to be so great. because i think that good things come to those who wait, and i’m more than willing to wait, i just don’t want to settle. i want to get to the point to where i honestly feel like i deserve the best. right now i only feel like i deserve so much, like that i will never be able to find anything better so i better take the best thing i can find, but to me, that is the best thing. so i think that’s what i need. but ultimately, God is the only one who knows what’s right for me. so i just have to trust in him and just pray about it. and i’m only 16 years old, i know i have so much time - but i just want it now. but like i said, i think the best things come to those who wait. my mom didn’t find true love until she was 45 years old, and they have more battles than probably most do, but you can tell by the way that they look at each other how much they’re in love. you can tell by how easily they can hurt each other what they mean to each other. that’s why they argue so much. but it just makes it better. lets me see that no love is perfect but if you work at it, it will stay and it will grow, it just helps me believe that true love is real and makes me so excited for it. but look, they went to school together forever and were friends and never expected anything more. he asked my mom out many times and she never would give him a chance, so she found what she thought was love in two other people and was tortured for years because of it, and you know, if she would have taken the chance, she may have been able to avoid all that. OF COURSE, there was a reason that things didn’t happen that way i suppose, reason being the one typing this - but honestly, had they gotten together i never would have been thought of, but she never would have been abused, so i kind of wish she would have found him sooner. but i was “destined to be” as my mom says, because there’s no way that i should have ever even been able to have been conceived, but i was. and i’m here and honestly, my brother and i have been what has kept my mom here before. she needed me, so God sent me to her. she and my dad both used to say that they don’t know what they did to deserve it, but God blessed them with an angel, and before my dad died my mom talked to me for hours one night when he was in the hospital and told me how that God sent me to her to save her life, and that not only did i save hers, but i saved my dads as well by not giving up on him until he gave his soul to the Lord so he could go to heaven and live forever. Like i don’t remember it, but my mom said when i was little, before i had ever been taught things in church i would describe heaven to then and bed them to go with me and that i would lay hands on people and animals and the Lord would heal them. i even asked a boy at my school not too long ago if he remembered me laying hands on his dog and it getting healed of parvo and he did, he told the story back to me and it just amazed me that he remembered that, and that it meant something to him. and all the way up til dad died he looked to me for strength when it came to praying and stuff, he’d always ask me to, because he always thought i was this perfect angel, and even the other day my grandma, and his mom, told me that i was her little angel. i just wish that i were as amazing as my family thinks that i am. i wish that i were a better example of what an “angel” should be, i really have no power, i’m nothing special, God just hears my prayers, but he hears everyone else’s as well. i just wish i could go back to being little for a little bit. i wish that i could take with me that pureness and innocence and that crazy desire that i had to go to church and sing in church and get everyone around me saved. i was in grade school standing in EVERY SINGLE time that they asked if anybody had lost family members they wanted to pray for, i was right there for my daddy, and it may have taken persistence to get him to stop smoking, to get him to walk away from fights, or to get him to get saved, but i never gave up hope and he did, it took until i was 16 years old and he was very ill, but he did it, and that’s all that matters, so i would do it all over again, whatever it would take to save his soul. i just thank God that it’s never too late and he can forgive you of anything. I can’t wait to see my dad again. but i feel like i need to change and do better in order to do so. everyone thinks the opposite, thinks that my dad’s death drove me more away from God, but it didn’t. if anything it suppressed any doubt i had of miracles or answered prayers. just because God doesn’t answer a prayer when you want or when you think that he should, doesn’t mean he’s not going to at all. just never give up. but anyways, i got way off track there. so back to my mom - things have a way of working themselves out, and i suppose that it only makes her appreciate my step dad more. i KNOW it makes me appreciate him more. but the moral of the story is that you can’t run from love forever because success and happiness is NOTHING without someone to share it with. i don’t care what you say. and you can be afraid to fall, that’s fine. that’s normal, and it’s gonna be hard when you do find someone, idc who it is, you’ll argue and fight and thing will change but if you really love them and you have the will to make it work, then it will, as long as the other person feels the same. and it will only make you all stronger, but you have to work at it. you can’t get scared at the first sight of trouble and get afraid of getting hurt and run. no. you’re gonna get hurt always but you need to figure out who’s worth it. obviously i think that having you in my life is worth getting hurt a little over, from a friend aspect and more, because let’s be honest, you can’t say that we’ve only been friends, otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten mad when i hung out with other people or talked to other people who were interested, you wouldn’t have told me how you felt so much, you wouldn’t hold my hands the way you do and let me be such a big part of your life, and i wouldn’t do the same. i wouldn’t look at you the way i do, i wouldn’t take a bullet for you, and i sure as heck wouldn’t be rambling on with all of this right now over “just a friend” and nothing more. not saying there’s more there now for you, just saying there was, and for me there still is, but don’t freak - it will fade eventually. but i think i build myself up too much and i tell myself that like you know me sooo well and when you say things make you think of me and you think “destiny would love this” and stuff i’m like aw, he must think of me all the time, and it’s like, i like to think that you know me so well all on your own and you remember and pick up on things about me all on your own, but what i need to realize is that i’m nothing special to you, i’m sure if i asked you any of the same questions about the other people you’re best friends with, you could tell me everything about them too. and i’m sure when you see things that remind you of them you’re like “oh, so and so would love this” like, i try to make myself believe that you care so much and that you think about me so much and stuff when i’m just lying to myself because i’m just the same to you as everyone else. all of your other friends, i’m just another one. i don’t really think that i’m that “special” best friend to anyone. like, everyone has that one person who they’re closest to and they just tell everything to and are constantly talking to and where you can find one you can find the other and stuff and i used to be that for different people, but i’m just not for anyone anymore. like it’s like everyone’s just finding all these new people and i’m just not. like no one else wants to have me as a best friend. and it’s my own fault for trying to hard and pushing people away with my like obsessiveness. it’s ridiculous but i really don’t know how to stop it. that’s why i have this thing. so that i can just spill all my thoughts and not look crazy. but then again i’m dumb enough to give it to people to look at which just makes me look even more psycho. but whatever. i just feel like that friend that everyone hangs out with and loves to her face, then they get behind her back and are like oh my gosh she is so annoying like i don’t want to hang out with her or constantly talk to her but she just doesn’t get the point and keeps texting me and making plans and i feel like i ruin everyone’s time and that no one actually has a good time when they’re with me. i feel like everyone would rather be with someone else. like everyone would have more fun with someone else. and i just feel like i’m the reason that they can’t. like i’m holding them back from where they really want to be. like i really feel like such a burden to some people. and it’s not like they make me feel like i’m not. they might as well just agree. i just need to be reassured of how everyone feels about me and i hate that about myself. i don’t know. i hate my emotions. i hate the way i am. i hate feeling like i cannot trust ANYONE. like everyone’s lying to me just to appease me or keep me from going psycho or crying. it’s a terribly feeling really. it’s so miserable having a mind that never ever stops. it’s so miserable wanting love so so so bad and never finding it or even allowing yourself to try. it’s miserable being stuck in the past and hating change. it’s miserable thinking about your dead dad every single day and hearing him and seeing him in your mind and not being able to hug him. it’s miserable constantly questioning how everyone around you feels about you or sees you. you have no idea. i don’t think anyone has any idea how i feel so much of the time. no, i’m not depressed, i have God and i’m really not, even though i sound it when i let out all my inner emotional crap like this, and don’t get me wrong, i have plenty of people that love me and worry about me and want the best for me, but still yet i just don’t feel complete i don’t guess. i think i would if i were a better christian and i have no excuse for not being better, i’m just not. that’s sad too. being a disappointment to yourself. like i could do so much better in church, so much better in school, and i could already be driving and just making so much more of myself, but i’d rather be lazy and sleep and barely get by and idk. i’ve just not been happy with myself this year. it’s just not good. but, moving on from all that junk - just gonna say that i think i’m done being how i am and i think that’s what you’re going for. i think i’m going to accept things and change the way i think about things and how much i let things bother me. and i know its still going to, but if i pretend it doesn’t enough then eventually it won’t. and i so mess myself up and give myself the short end of the stick by always expressing how i feel about everything, but i just can’t keep it in. i just need to find people that actually care.
speaking of which, i just want to say that i have honestly found someone in my school who i really think is just not like the rest. you know those people that you just feel like you can connect to? like they are generally just a good hearted person who is there to listen to your problems and help you in any way that they can? the ones that offer a compliment or a smile just to lift your spirits or a word of encouragement when you’re just having a bad day? yeah, you probably don’t because there are not many of those out there. actually, i had pretty much given up hope that any one in that prison that they call a school even had a real heart, but then came along this one boy who completely proved me wrong. honestly, he has NO idea how much that he’s helped me and changed the way that i look at things just within the past few weeks alone. first of all he compliments me nearly every day and tells me that i’m beautiful, and not only appearance but he compliments my character as well, which means even more and it helps me to feel less insecure because i can be sitting there trying to fix my part in my hair and wondering about my eye-make up and whether it’s even or not and he’ll just like read my mind and tell me that i have such pretty eyes and stuff and it just makes my day. then the other day out of the blue he told me how that i was so special and not like all these other girls and how he knows he’ll never meet anyone else like me and how that i’m the perfect image of what a guy would want cause i have a good heart and all and that i was beautiful and that any guy that could have that and didn’t realize what all they were missing out on was just dumb and stuff and said he had wanted to tell me that so he thought that he would. and just yanno, he’s always telling me that i deserve something great and just lifting my spirits and even though we may not talk 24/7 or hang out all the time or he may not know the little things about me or my favorite candy bar or little things like that, i really would consider him as one of my closest friends because i feel like he knows my heart. we always write notes to each other in chemistry cause we’re both lost and sometimes i ramble on random things and draw pictures and it keeps my mind off things and sometimes i spill my guts and its just so nice to have someone that has so much going on for him and just doesn’t even have to make time for you, but they do - just because they honestly want to listen to you and help you with any problem you may have, even if they may have problems of their own. like i believe that he really cares about my happiness and really does want whats best for me, just like i want whats best for him. and what’s so crazy is that i really feel like i can tell him anything and know that he doesn’t go to anyone else and talk about me and i can tell him just how crazy i am and my insane ways of thinking and he doesn’t go behind my back and make fun of me to other people or tell them anything, he just listens to me, says what he can to help and goes on. and i try my best to do the same for him, but i know i always end up doing most of the talking. and then it’s like we can have these deep heart to hearts then go back to lab and goof off and act like we didn’t completely just spill our guts. i think everyone needs to find a friend like that. someone that they know they can just talk to. and this guy is someone that i would have never expected to be such a big softie. like i’m so glad i’ve gotten to know him and how he and i think so much alike and stuff because i would have just put him in the same category with all the other cocky football players and all the other heartless two-faced preppy little people at the school. just goes to show you should never judge a book by it’s cover. you should never judge period. and i know everyone does, and i’m guilty of it myself, but honestly, you have NO IDEA what the people you sit beside of in class every day are actually going through. you have no idea that the same person who puts on a smile every day and acts so confident is actually one of the most insecure people in the world and hates everything about themselves. like you don’t know anyone’s story, why they are the way they are, why certain things offend them so easily, why they get so upset, why they always wear that same necklace everyday, why they only have a few different outfits, why they don’t always dress up, why the act the way they do to get attention, why they won’t open up to anyone, why they never talk, why won’t give anyone a chance. like no one really has any idea the true inner workings of another person and it’s ridiculous that we all just go off of first glance and automatically make up in our minds why that person is that way and whether we like them or not, before we ever know anything about them. it’s human nature, i understand that. but i mean, wouldn’t it be cool if just one day we all woke up and we all looked the same. like everyone in the world looked the exact same, and sounded the exact same, or even if we all woke up one day blind, and had no recollection of any sight, and we all had to just talk to each other and base NOTHING on appearance, just on personality. like if we all just opened up to each other one day because we had no fear of being judged because we really didn’t know who one another was, then the next day we all discovered who we had talked to the day before. like i think that would be so cool. imagine how many more people you would connect to. i think it would be amazing. i think we need a “challenge day” at our school, but of course our people are too prideful and b.a. to do it, or so they think. little do they know that they would look stronger for doing it than for sitting out. but anyways, on to my next subject, i just thought i would say that if you think someone is beautiful or great or you like something of theirs, you should tell them. because it just may make their day, or better yet, it may open their eyes to how wonderful that they really are. like if you think someone has a lot going for them, tell them that. if you really care for someone, tell them that. everyone needs to forget the fear of looking stupid or feeling stupid or making things awkward and just say what they feel. open up. i promise you feel better and the other person may have been needing to hear it or wondering what you thought about them anyway. but just be sincere. so i just want to thank that person for being who they are. i have no doubt that they’ll go far with the heart of gold that they have. especially if they get on the right path with the Lord and let him guide him like he’s wanting to. yup.
anways, i have 100 more things i actually want to write about but it’s late and i want to get to sleep, so that i can hopefully wake up a little earlier tomorrow and look nice for school. so imma do that. after some pictures and quotes, though. i feel better. my chest loosened up and stuff so now i can just go sleeps.
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
Let go when you’re hurting too much,
give up when love isn’t enough,
and move on when things are not like before.
surely there is someone out there
who will love you even more.
Your life lies before you like a path of driven snow, be careful how you tread it cause every step will show.
the people worth loving arent always easy to love.
Music gives us an escape from our drama filled,
teenage heart ache driven lives.
A chance to actually be a part of something amazing.
It gives us something to believe in
It’s like this. You have to have the nicest jeans, or the cutest purse, or say the newest thing so that it catches on. You have to be skinny, you have to buy this, wear this, say that, be on his side, her side, be neutral, have white teeth, have straight teeth, you hair can’t be frizzy, and you can’t wear that because it just doesn’t ‘work’ anymore. You have to go to parties, be friends with everyone, trust no one, pose like this, smile like that, tilt your head this way, and put your hand on your hip, because that’s how it is. And let me just say, it’s not worth it.
Never assume someone likes your by their sweetness, sometimes you’re just an option when they’re bored.
Do not anticipate trouble,
or worry about what may never happen.
Keep in the sunlight.
Along the way, I’ve learned that you can’t let anyone in too
far and you can’t trust endlessly. The biggest mistake you
can make is to care or love someone more than yourself,
because then you are just setting yourself up for
disappointment. Boundaries are necessary so that you can
protect yourself, because once you’re broken, you’ll never
be fully fixed
“I hate Valentine’s day. Every day should be for love. You should celebrate love 364 days of the year. Then on Valentines day you should get to tell whoever you hate that you hate them. There would be one day of hate and 364 days of love.”
- Ashton Kutcher
well fuck prom…
and everyone and everything that has to do with it
….anddddd that’s all i have to say about that.
i really really really miss my dad.
it’s harder. i can talk about it without even whimpering and i feel so cold, but my heart literally hurts and all i want is for him to be here to hug me. like you really have no idea. no one really has any idea at all. this is one hurt that i can’t even describe and it will never go away and he’ll never come back and i need him. i’m still just a kid.
and i realized while trying on dresses today with my absolutely gorgeous best friend that being a size 0 means absolutely nothing but i can’t even stop losing weight. i’m not even doing it on purpose.
i also realized that i am not happy with myself at all.
i mean, i hate my body.
i hate my stomach.
i hate all my stretch marks.
i hate my bruises cause i get them if you just touch me.
i hate my hair and how it does what it wants no matter what.
i hate that my make-up looks like pure shit at the end of the day and no one even bothers to tell me.
i hate my bottom teeth.
i hate how pale and sensitive my skin is.
i hate my hair color.
i hate that i can only sing in a certain range and can’t go high at all.
i hate how big my nose is.
i hate my toenails.
i hate my back.
i hate my clothes and how i don’t even fit into them.
i hate how my hair gets tatty stringy and greasy in a matter of hours.
i hate how my face stays broken out looking and so uneven on one side.
i hate that i have two different ears.
i hate that my eyes never look the same.
i hate that i always use too much nail polish and get it everywhere.
i hate my eyebrows and how they grow overnight.
i hate my peach fuzz blonde mustache on my face.
i hate that my wrists are too small to wear normal sized bracelets.
i hate how hairy my arms are, and i am in general.
i hate how jealous i am and how easily i let things get to me.
i hate that i bore everyone with my problems when they have problems of their own.
i hate how easily i open up to everyone.
i hate how people are so fake.
i hate high school period.
i hate that my boobs shrunk and there’s not a bra that’s really my perfect size.
i hate that i have no butt whatsoever.
i hate that i can never put together outfits and look super cute.
i hate that my hair won’t curl, or do anything but lay flat to my head, for that matter.
i hate how teeny tiny small my lips are.
people think being skinny is so fun and its not. you’re just bony and then what meat you do have is all flabby. and then you can’t be fat cause then people are all on your to be skinny, then when you’re skinny they’re all on your for not eating when you clearly do. it’s like no matter what i do look like or say i can never win, so why even try.
there’s just about nothing about myself that i wouldn’t change. my eyes, maybe. and that’s about all. everything else i would love to change or rearrange or get rid of. i seriously can’t find beauty in myself by the end of the day and i can’t stand to look at myself and that’s just sad. it’s like i’m stuck in a body that i don’t even want but i have to make due. i guess you’re never really satisfied with yourself though, so whatever. what can ya do?
anyway, i’m so sleepy and i have homework. i took me a cat nap though a little earlier by accident. butttttt i just needed to vent a little i guess. and here’s about the only place that i could openly vent without getting fed some bullshit about how wonderful i am when i know they’re just saying it out of pity, or get shrunk and almost put into therapy or something, or would care i guess. i mean, clearly you can’t care since you’re like a website, but it’s better to bother an empty box with my problems and insecurities than someone who doesn’t care, want to hear it, or know what to say, i guess. i need to quit being annoying and talking so much. i never ever shut up. i ruin everything and over think and over analyze and worry about everything until i make it non enjoyable. i dunno, i’m a screw up some days. and some days other people are too. dicks.
this world is so full of cold hearted fake immature people who just don’t care and find humor in other people’s pain and insecurities and it’s sickening. it blesses my soul to find someone who truly does. one of those people that you just know really wants you to be happy. that’s nice. there should be more of those people around.
i smell good. i need to make myself eat more but i feel like i have heartburn and i’ve been kinda sick to my stomach and shaky all day. i really hate school more every single day that i enter the building and i become increasingly annoyed with the people and teachers in it as well. it’s just terrible. the same old thing every single day. having to dread each class that you don’t understand and fail because you really have no other choice. i can’t understand chemistry and pre calculus even if i try. and the fact that everyone has just decided to stop talking to me and that they don’t need me in their lives, well - that’s cool too. i don’t need you either. makes me easier to lose all of you so whatever. and yes, it’s bound to happen. i’ve come to the conclusion that eventually you will lose everyone. like everyone you love and think will never leave you will and then new come and i’ll get too attached to them and then they’ll leave too and it’s a viscous cycle and it’s sad, but it’s a part of life so what can you do. blah. just one of those mondays.
oh, and did i mention that i miss my dad?
she’s so naturally pretty and so is that place. salty.
I took one big step and I looked away and then I thought of all the things that I wanted to say. I’m always too late, you never got your story straight. I’m always up late, I think I’m everything you hate.
he’s blind. and he is absolutely beautiful to me.
Despite my empty mouth the words are in my mind.
Please wear the face, the one where you smile,
Because you lighten up my heart when I start to cry.
And I hear your words that I made up
You say my name like there could be an us
I best tidy up my head I’m the only one in love
You shower me with words made of knives
Sometimes not even the truth can change your mind when someone can mean so much to you.
No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.
would you wait if i wrote you a perfect song tonight?
to make your heart stand still & make your chest grow tight
but i’ll never write a perfect line
& i don’t know why i even waste my time & try
& for the longest time, i couldn’t love her to save my life
He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life.
oh pandora, you always know just what to play.
each little teeny thing you do means so much to me. and i remember it all.
i love you.
Sooner or later, friends who you thought would be around forever
will end up taking different paths in life.
But no matter where you go,
you’ll take a piece of each one with you
All she really wants if for you to finally get the nerve to
say how you really feel about her. That way, when you look
at her, she’s not still second guessing what you really mean.
A soul never thinks without a picture.
As we grow older together, As we continue to change with age, There is one thing that will never change… I will always keep falling in love with you.
"The couple that fights the most is the one most in love… it shows they care enough to notice the other one screwed up and care enough to mention it to the person so they can fix it. When you stop fighting it means you stopped caring."
You know that feeling of waiting for someone? I mean, really waiting for someone - standing in front of a restaurant in the cold and having hundreds of people pass you on the sidewalk. And you don’t want to do anything else, because you’re afraid you might miss something - that somehow, if you don’t spot him right away, he’ll walk right by. So you
stand there and you don’t do anything except think about how you’re standing there. Occasionally you might look at your watch, or check your cell phone to see if it’s on silent, even though you already checked for that a minute ago. That’s what this is starting to feel like.
i’m excited for summer
She wouldn’t care if you called her and woke her up just to talk at two in the morning. She loves arguing, and she’s good at it. Scary movies make her paranoid and she hates when people don’t call her back. She envies every couple she sees walking around and showing their happiness. She only wants to be happy and lately, all she thinks about is you.
If you really knew me… you would know that I don’t usually cry because things are sad.
I cry because things are beautiful. I cry because such beauty is
possible and it’s overwhelming. I cry because I don’t see it every
day, and I should. I want to be a part of that beauty; I want to
inspire someone to tears with my own brand of beauty. With other
people, I think this is possible. If we all contributed, if we all add
a little hope and faith and love into the world with our acts, maybe
we can help someone else see the beauty in life, too. Because our
actions are powerful and positive actions are power at it’s purest point.
You missed out on the girl who loves you. The one that doesn’t care about your imperfections. The girl that sees only the good in you. The one that supports you in everything that you do, even if they’re stupid. Sure, she’s not perfect, but she’s not afraid of being herself. And you know why you missed out on her? Because you’re too blind to notice what’s right in front of you
i didn’t get to play in the snow,
walk and hold hands in it, or take pictures in it. darn. “/ glad its over though.. kinda. cept for i’ll miss the snow days alot.
It’s not hard to find someone who will tell you that they love you. It’s hard to find someone that actually means it.
Never tell your problems to anyone. 20% don’t care, and the other 80% are glad you have them. - lol, i really need to take this advice
do you know how stupid i feel for pouring my feelings out to you and you knowing how i look at him, then him telling you how he looks at me, and it not even being close to the same. do you know how stupid i feel for telling you all that and then having him tell me it’s you that he has feelings for? it’s something you just about can’t get over. i still feel stupid every time i’m around you both or his name is even mentioned when we’re together. it’s like, i just want to pretend like i don’t care. i just want to take back everything i ever said.
i want to watch the spiderman movies
It’s hard when you miss people. But you know, if you miss someone that means you’re lucky. It means you had someone special in your life, someone worth missing.
Sometimes, you can say the most wrong things at the right time.
If you don’t understand my silence, then you won’t understand my words.
You are only as good as the love you have for other people.
The two coldest places on earth are Antarctica and your heart.
This is life. People will screw you over. You’ll fight with your family. You’ll witness things that will change you forever. You’ll blame new lovers for things old lovers did. You’ll lose best friends you thought would always be there. You’ll come to realize that everyone has a past. You’ll cry, you’ll laugh, and you’ll embarrass yourself. But then, you’ll find your very own moment where none of that matters; where you can sit back and realize that shit happens to the people who can handle it and that this is who you are, and that no one should want to change you, including yourself.
i love eyes
cute little birds like sparrows
anatomically correct hearts
my sisters cat
when people play with my hair
the smell of spring
when people return compliments instead of just thanking you for them
little kid things
getting gifts for people
being held so tight i get warm
black and white
victorian printed things
when people tell me things about myself that let me know how well they know me
the rare times when people actually say exactly what you want them to in reply
colorful decorated or toe socks
when people remember little things about me
when people tell me they love me and/or miss me
really good long hugs
the feeling you get when you know someone is really glad to see you
making people smile laugh and feel special
cranberry pomegranate juice
and my daddy. i miss him more every day.
I love people who have a sense of individuality. I love expression and anything awkward or imperfect. Because that’s natural. And that’s real.
Perhaps we give the best of our hearts uncritically to those who hardly think about us at all.
just kiss me.
my life would be so much better if some people would just disappear.
not like die. i mean, i don’t want anyone to die.
i just want them to maybe move away. far, far away.
i want to be enough for you.
i want to be the person that, as long as you have - you don’t even need anyone else.
do you ever want to just stop talking to people? just quit talking to everyone, not say hi first, not try anymore - just to see who would make the effort to talk to -you-. to see who cares enough about you to put themselves in your life?
To love someone is a very special thing , but for that someone to love you back is more of a miracle. If you happen to stumble upon such a miracle, make sure you realize it. Never take it for granted, never throw it away, never let it sit, and most of all never let it die.
Their plan had been very simple: to stay together for the rest of their lives. A plan that anyone within their circle would agree was accomplishable. They were best friends, lovers and soul mates, destined to be together, everyone thought. But as it happened, one day destiny greedily changed its mind.
- P.S. I Love You, Cecilia Ahern.
If you’re getting pushed away, don’t hold on tighter. Letting go when you’re getting pushed is the only way he will feel what it’s like without you. Even though it’s the hardest thing to do, do it for him.
Cause that’s what life’s about. It’s about the times where you lay in the grass next to someone you love. It’s about the color of the sky, it’s about a roaring fire on a winter eve. Everybody hurts, everybody bleeds. Everyone laughs & smiles & loves. & that’s all that it is. There’s no meaning of life, it’s nothing that can be defined. It’s a matter of writing your own definition.
blindfold me and take me somewhere beautiful?
i want a shirt with anchors on it, panties too.
anyways, i feel like things are kinda weird lately. i don’t like it.
time to sleep.
Can’t lose what you never had, can’t keep what’s not yours, and can’t hold onto something that does not want to stay.
Love neither because you like the person nor
because you care. Love not because you know
that you can’t live without that person, instead
just love and forget about why.
It’s better to cross the line and suffer
the consequences than to just stare
at the line for the rest of your life.
There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn’t expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me, there are some loves that don’t go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky enough to end up with somebody who has a little of that insanity. Someone who never lets go. Someone who cherishes you forever.
To love someone is a very special thing , but for that someone to love you back is more of a miracle. If you happen to stumble upon such a miracle, make sure you realize it. Never take it for granted, never throw it away, never let it sit, and most of all never let it die.
i like the thought of you falling asleep to the sound of my heartbeat.
uhm, please hurry.
At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It’s not like you’re giving up, and it’s not like you shouldn’t try. It’s just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.
the worst feeling in the entire world is feeling like you need someone for your life to be complete, literally feeling like your world would crumble to the ground without them, when they look at you as just another person that they could take or leave and be perfectly fine either way, without ever missing you once, and having to know that you would be lost without them, but they really would be just fine.
Jealousy is nothing without love.
And love is nothing without jealousy.
If a girl can put up with you through your worst days, then it’s kind of obvious that you shouldn’t let her go.
so i’m pretty sure my life will get a little better on the 8th.
new season of my life as liz!
I’m sorry for not being perfect, for not being the one you wanted. I’m sorry I’m not pretty, or not tall enough. I’m sorry that I’m so screwed up, but I’m just an average teenage girl, stumbling through my imperfect world.
Girl Language: When I said sorry, believe me I feel it. When you see me starting to cry, hold me and tell me everything’s gonna be alright. When I ignore you, give me your attention. When I’m quiet, ask me what’s wrong. When I push or hit you, grab me and don’t let go. When I’m mad and I walked away from you, follow me. If I didn’t text you, it’s because I’m waiting for you to text me. When I say I love you, Don’t doubt. I mean it.
Be careful to whom you give your heart to because when you give your heart to someone, you’re not only giving that person the right to love you but also the power to hurt you.
Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that you are a good person and a good friend. What is meant to be will end up good if what is not won’t. Relationships are worth fighting for but sometimes you can’t be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don’t, you must move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. Hopefully, people realize great things when they come around and don’t lose something real. Always fight, until you can’t anymore, and then be fought for.
Don’t waste time lingering over all that you could have, should have and would have done. Don’t spend your days thinking of how much better you could do; don’t long for something that has been and always will be out of your reach. Just live the days as they come. Wake up every morning and smile at the wonderful day that awaits. And when opportunity comes knocking on your door, don’t ignore it. Don’t run away. Pull yourself together, and open the door. Let love in.
Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.
i wanna shout everything i feel about you. but i can’t, because it would only hurt me to see everyone listening, everyone except you.
God gave me 5 fingers for a reason. My pinky is for my best friends and our promises that will never be broken, my ring finger is for marriage and for proof that we’ll be together forever, my middle finger is for that person that pushes me too far and to show them how I feel, my pointer finger is to silence them, to savor the moment, my thumb is for everyone, to let them know that I’m gonna be okay. No matter what.
I hate that my stomach isn’t flat. I hate that I’m not confident, funny, or cute. I hate that I’m not as pretty as other girls. I hate that you’ll never look at me the way you look at her. But at least I can admit that I’m not perfect nor will I ever try to be. And that’s what I love about myself.
all those hidden emotions just came crashing down on me. You told me you wanted to just be friends and I immediately regretted ever giving you my heart. It’s funny how you can love someone, but no power in the world can make them love you back.
Give her your hand, and she’ll never let go. Give her your heart, and she’ll hold it next to hers. Give her you’re attention, and she’ll show you her heart. But it’s guys jobs to hold her hand tightly in public, to not play with her heart, and to listen when she really needs someone to talk to. It isn’t that hard.
5 things that girls think, but guys don’t know:
1. When a girl says that something is cute, or that she is jealous of another cute thing a guy did for their girlfriend, LEARN from it, and remember it, you may think you’re not being unique, but a girl will appreciate it just the same.
2. Don’t ever ever ever talk about another girls body, assets, or personality infront of her if you two have intentions on being together. It will make the girl feel like she isn’t good enough.
3. Never ever ask a girl what she wants to talk about. She’ll like it if you’re actually trying to make conversation with her, no matter how stupid the conversation is. If you can’t think of something to talk about now, what is going to make her think that you will be able to think about it weeks/months/years from now? No girl wants a boring relationship.
4. Don’t talk to other girls, by putting hearts & texting them every day, girls will easily assume things, so don’t be sketch, cause she will loose trust in you.
5. When a girl acts sad, she only does it because she wants you to ask what is wrong. & even when she does say “nothing” she wants you to BEG her to tell the truth & ask again.
don’t act like you like me 2% of a time and be a dick the remaining 98. laugh cause i cry, laugh cause i get hurt, laugh cause people hate me or hurt my feelings, care less about what i say and pretty much let me know that you wouldn’t care if i was alive or dead, yanno. you don’t have to tell me what you’re doing or even reply if you don’t want, but you freak if i don’t reply first thing? not that i don’t love that, but i just don’t quite understand you? like if you like me like you say you do when you start to miss me or whatever, then act like you do. make up your mind if you do or not and quit playing with my feelings cause you know i’ll let you. if you have/develop/have had feelings for someone else, imma learn to be cool with it and move on. i should really learn to be a normal sixteen year old girl and not the way i am. i make everything so much harder for myself and keep myself so worried sick and upset. fuuuuuuck. how i wish i could be a guy and not give two shits about absolutely anything or anyone. must be so nice to not have feelings or an actual caring heart.
Don’t say things you don’t mean, Because I would believe anything you say & I would actually take it to heart.
she is beautiful, and her voice absolutely amazes me to no end.
except for when i listen to her sing, i just want to give up completely because i know i could never even come close to coming close.
There’s a story behind every person. There’s a reason why they’re the way they are. They aren’t just like that because they want to. Something in the past created them, and sometimes it’s impossible to fix them.
i’m terrified of losing people AS i grow up. it’s already happened some and i believe that it’s going to continue to. i just don’t understand why all the people that i’m afraid to lose, aren’t afraid to lose me. they act like they’d be okay with it. it’s so nice.
I like it when people tell me about their problems, because unlike society today, I care. And it reminds me that there’s someone out there who trusts me with their secrets.
what is this feeling. it is god awful. i miss my dad.
oh, how i miss the old degrassi characters.
I’m sorry I don’t match your definition of beautiful.
When you really matter to someone, that person will always make time for you. No excuses, no lies, and no broken promises.
sometimes i wonder if i were to suddenly to disappear, for a week or so, and no one knew where i was. how many people would actually give a shit.
Sometimes, the smallest words can cause someone the most pain. But at the same time, the words “I’m here for you” can give a person the most comfort.
i think i may have already posted it, but it deserves to be seen twice. seriously - someone needs to tell the girls at my school buying your sweater or sweatshirt 3 sizes too big and wearing it down to your knees, does NOT make it a dress, therefor you should not wear TIGHTS with it. but i at least appreciate those more than the ones who buy them in a normal or smaller size and do the exact same thing. and it makes you look even more stupid when you pair them with a HUGE pair of fuzzy boots. like oh, it’s not cold enough out there to wear PANTS, but it’s cold enough to wear some big ass fuzzy boots? okay? not saying i have the best style. i don’t - by far and i know i have no room to judge. but uh, at least i know i look dumb when i do. ya’ll think you be lookin’ ca-ute. lol. no. just, no.
No matter how busy a person is, if they want to make time for you, there will be time made. So “I’m too busy” means you aren’t worth it to them.
Sometimes, I just prefer to feel nothing. It’s better, it’s easier.
oh really, it takes you 30 minutes to reply back with one word? my god, don’t even reply at all. that gives me absolutely nothing to say back. probably what you want. just go play or something.
there are so many things i’d love to do with you. like walk in the snow, or kiss in the rain. no one else, just you. isn’t there anything you’d just like to do with me, or you’d like for me to see?
i want to call you baby; it kills me
mmmm, i want a caramel apple so so bad right now.
i wish i could turn off my worrying.
i wish i could get motivated to actually try my hardest in school.
i wish i didn’t have feelings for anyone.
i wish i could just beat angry birds.
i wish i weren’t so lazy and i were a clean freak.
i hate days like today, and i hate knowing i have to go back to school tomorrow.
the last one looks like my house at night. one of the only wonderful parts of living here. come lay under them with me?
Every girl has that one boy, that they’ll never get over. That one guy that makes you laugh all the time. That one that gives you butterflies just when someone mentions his name. That one who remembers all the stupid things you say and reminds you about it months from now. That one who has his name written all over your heart. That one who you compare to everyone. That one you never get sick of talking or hearing about. That one you cry over and over about. That one that no one can understand why him. That one everyone thinks you can do better than. That one you ask why her and not me. That one when you first saw him you knew you loved him. That one that in some way ends up not being yours.
i just want to know how you feel about me and not have to worry about you feeling that same way about someone else as well
Reading all this, one person comes to mind. It may change from time to time. Or it may have been the same for a while now. Every quote, every love song reminds you of him. Stop fooling yourself. You love that boy.
sometimes you just have to stop caring and turn off all emotions and feelings to protect yourself from getting hurt.
it’s sweet when a guy realizes he hurt your feelings, so he does everything he possibly can to cheer you back up.
You have to believe there are kisses and laughs and risks worth taking
hug people like you mean it.
if only you knew how many tears i’ve cried for you.
i’m afraid to grow up.