watching forrest gump

for the first time ever.

aw, i love it so far. :)

I’m terrified because I don’t want anyone to have your heart.
I don’t want anyone to kiss your lips or feel your arms around them.
I don’t want anyone to be the girl you’re completely in love with.

But I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Well, it burned while I cried
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

You deserve the right kind of love, the kind of love that makes you happy, the fantastic love that’s in books and movies. Even if you aren’t together forever, you’ll want to look back and never regret falling in love with him. That’s the kind of love we all deserve.

If you’re going to trust someone with your heart, make sure they have a heart of their own so they know how it feels when it’s broken.

I wish you could see how much I care. How much I want you to care back. You really matter to me, and somehow I will get that through your head. I won’t give up until I do because I love you.

i love that song, band, drawing, and especially tattoo.

i remember every word you ever told me. i can’t stop thinking about it. so i keep talking. because i’m so scared that you’ll stop.

When a girl complains that a guy has no heart, it usually means he has hers.

if “plan A” doesn’t work out, don’t worry, you still have 25 letters left

I don’t need you to love me. But you have to open up your heart to somebody. You’ve gotta let someone discover
how staggering you are, just don’t be alone. That I can’t live with.

i want some macaroni and cheese.

well fuck prom…

and everyone and everything that has to do with it

….anddddd that’s all i have to say about that.

i really really really miss my dad.

it’s harder. i can talk about it without even whimpering and i feel so cold, but my heart literally hurts and all i want is for him to be here to hug me. like you really have no idea. no one really has any idea at all. this is one hurt that i can’t even describe and it will never go away and he’ll never come back and i need him. i’m still just a kid.

and i realized while trying on dresses today with my absolutely gorgeous best friend that being a size 0 means absolutely nothing but i can’t even stop losing weight. i’m not even doing it on purpose.

i also realized that i am not happy with myself at all.

i mean,  i hate my body.
i hate my stomach.
i hate all my stretch marks.
i hate my bruises cause i get them if you just touch me.
i hate my hair and how it does what it wants no matter what.
i hate that my make-up looks like pure shit at the end of the day and no one even bothers to tell me.
i hate my bottom teeth.
i hate how pale and sensitive my skin is.
i hate my hair color.
i hate that i can only sing in a certain range and can’t go high at all.
i hate how big my nose is.
i hate my toenails.
i hate my back.
i hate my clothes and how i don’t even fit into them.
i hate how my hair gets tatty stringy and greasy in a matter of hours.
i hate how my face stays broken out looking and so uneven on one side.
i hate that i have two different ears.
i hate that my eyes never look the same.
i hate that i always use too much nail polish and get it everywhere.
i hate my eyebrows and how they grow overnight.
i hate my peach fuzz blonde mustache on my face.
i hate that my wrists are too small to wear normal sized bracelets.
i hate how hairy my arms are, and i am in general.
i hate how jealous i am and how easily i let things get to me.
i hate that i bore everyone with my problems when they have problems of their own.
i hate how easily i open up to everyone.
i hate how people are so fake.
i hate high school period.
i hate that my boobs shrunk and there’s not a bra that’s really my perfect size.
i hate that i have no butt whatsoever.
i hate that i can never put together outfits and look super cute.
i hate that my hair won’t curl, or do anything but lay flat to my head, for that matter.
i hate how teeny tiny small my lips are.
people think being skinny is so fun and its not. you’re just bony and then what meat you do have is all flabby. and then you can’t be fat cause then people are all on your to be skinny, then when you’re skinny they’re all on your for not eating when you clearly do. it’s like no matter what i do look like or say i can never win, so why even try.
there’s just about nothing about myself that i wouldn’t change. my eyes, maybe. and that’s about all. everything else i would love to change or rearrange or get rid of. i seriously can’t find beauty in myself by the end of the day and i can’t stand to look at myself and that’s just sad. it’s like i’m stuck in a body that i don’t even want but i have to make due. i guess you’re never really satisfied with yourself though, so whatever. what can ya do?

anyway, i’m so sleepy and i have homework. i took me a cat nap though a little earlier by accident. butttttt i just needed to vent a little i guess. and here’s about the only place that i could openly vent without getting fed some bullshit about how wonderful i am when i know they’re just saying it out of pity, or get shrunk and almost put into therapy or something, or would care i guess. i mean, clearly you can’t care since you’re like a website, but it’s better to bother an empty box with my problems and insecurities than someone who doesn’t care, want to hear it, or know what to say, i guess. i need to quit being annoying and talking so much. i never ever shut up. i ruin everything and over think and over analyze and worry about everything until i make it non enjoyable. i dunno, i’m a screw up some days. and some days other people are too. dicks.

this world is so full of cold hearted fake immature people who just don’t care and find humor in other people’s pain and insecurities and it’s sickening. it blesses my soul to find someone who truly does. one of those people that you just know really wants you to be happy. that’s nice. there should be more of those people around.

i smell good. i need to make myself eat more but i feel like i have heartburn and i’ve been kinda sick to my stomach and shaky all day. i really hate school more every single day that i enter the building and i become increasingly annoyed with the people and teachers in it as well. it’s just terrible. the same old thing every single day. having to dread each class that you don’t understand and fail because you really have no other choice. i can’t understand chemistry and pre calculus even if i try. and the fact that everyone has just decided to stop talking to me and that they don’t need me in their lives, well - that’s cool too. i don’t need you either. makes me easier to lose all of you so whatever. and yes, it’s bound to happen. i’ve come to the conclusion that eventually you will lose everyone. like everyone you love and think will never leave you will and then new come and i’ll get too attached to them and then they’ll leave too and it’s a viscous cycle and it’s sad, but it’s a part of life so what can you do. blah. just one of those mondays.

oh, and did i mention that i miss my dad?

she’s so naturally pretty and so is that place. salty.

I took one big step and I looked away and then I thought of all the things that I wanted to say. I’m always too late, you never got your story straight. I’m always up late, I think I’m everything you hate.

he’s blind. and he is absolutely beautiful to me.

Despite my empty mouth the words are in my mind.
Please wear the face, the one where you smile,
Because you lighten up my heart when I start to cry.

And I hear your words that I made up
You say my name like there could be an us
I best tidy up my head I’m the only one in love

You shower me with words made of knives

Sometimes not even the truth can change your mind when someone can mean so much to you.

No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.

would you wait if i wrote you a perfect song tonight?
to make your heart stand still & make your chest grow tight
but i’ll never write a perfect line
& i don’t know why i even waste my time & try
& for the longest time, i couldn’t love her to save my life

He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life.

LA American Idol = disappointment.

She fell asleep for only a minute,
but when she awoke she found herself lying on his chest,
feeling him breathing steadily beneath her.
His arm was draped around her shoulders
and it seems like he didn’t want her to leave, ever.

& i’ve learned to be the kind of girl
that doesn’t care what others think,
cause all that matters is what God thinks.
and what God thinks about you is a whole
lot important than what your friends think.

Sometimes you have to cry for no reason to make up for the
times when you wanted to but didn’t.

I know I’m full of insecurities and disappointments, but I promise you there’s a part of me worth keeping.

there is no real definition for love. it could be that
endless feeling of happiness you get from being around that
person or the butterflies you feel fluttering around inside of
you when he smiles. but one thing I’m sure of is that we all
fall in love sometime in our life, & when we do, then &
only then can we give our definition of love.

I just want that late night movie, long walks in the park,
cuddle up on the couch, kind of relationship.

I want something real.
Something I can touch and hold onto.
A love that makes my heart skip and gives me
that amazing feeling in the pit of my stomach
I want forever. is that too much to ask?

you just have to live your life
not caring & shake off the drama
just to prove that you are
better than they think you are.

I could never imagine feeling about anyone else
the way I feel about you. But I’ll do what I can.
-the second summer of the sisterhood

every single day in chemistry