the world is always ready to receive talent with open arms.

my fortune from chinese. anywaysssss though - i’ve been sleeping so much lately i haven’t written out all my feelings, but i’ve had them all. i’ve just made a list of all that i want to talk about.

First of all, i’m guessing love is in the air considering every time i hit home on facebook two new people are in a relationship and i’m all, seriously guys - come on. forever alone here. and it’s just depressing that everyone is finding someone and i’m just like…. that’s cool, i’ll just sit here and uhm, sleep.

secondly, when all these girls do find these guys, WHERE do they find amazing ones who like just look at them with these eyes that just show that they like reallllly love them, like they’ll do anything for them, wait on them hand and foot, are COMPLETELY whipped, and even if they aren’t getting any. and i’m like, HELLO - what did you do to deserve someone SO amazing like that when i have the biggest heart in the universe and i can’t get anyone to like me, ever. like no one that i’d want to anyways. i don’t get it. like how do all these cold people who don’t even TRY to make people like them have SO many friends when i worry myself half to death over people liking me, yet no one does? i don’t much get it. but whatever, yanno. i’m starting to feel like, if people want to be a part of my life, then they’ll make a point to be in it and i’m gonna stop trying to force people to hang out with me. like they obviously could care less if they lose me, so why should i tear myself up about making them stay? they’re going to end up with who they really want to be with anyways and obviously that sure isn’t me, so that’s fine. i’ll just do something else. i guess it’s just that i hate thinking that anyone could ever know you as well as i do or anyone could take my place in your life since no one could ever take yours in mine, but i am completely indispensable to you, and i have to realize that and just make myself stop being so damn pathetic and psycho crazy and upset and just be like look, you lose people, you can’t keep them close if they don’t want to be, and you just gotta deal with it and not let it ruin you. like there is nothing else you can do. so this turned into something else completely but that’s okay, i’m gonna just keep going. so i’m glad that i can tell you how i feel about everything and you can ignore it and not reply and then rub the fact that you’re spending all weekend with her in my face even after that and it not bother you one bit. like i get that you don’t like me anymore and that’s fine, but not even a best friend likes to see you hurt and you KNOW stuff that you say hurts me but you do it anyways. and you say that you don’t mean to but if you didn’t mean to you wouldn’t do it and then laugh when i get all paranoid about it. i get that you have other friends and that’s fine, hang out with other people. but it’s the fact that it seems like you seriously grow more tired of me every single day. like you hate me a little more daily and you grow more fond of them. like you act like it’s nothing at all to you to not hang out with me or barely even TALK to me all week when it kills me and that just really is not fair. we are absolutely nothing like we used to be. you used to care for me so much and you used to tell me everything. what you were doing what you wanted to do, and you wanted to be with me and you wanted to talk to me and tell me good morning and good night and how much you loved me. like it’s written ALL over everything in my room. i can count 15 things that say it just sitting here. like you wanted me to know and now i can’t even remember the last time that you said it first. you used to tell me that i was beautiful and stuff and now i can’t even remember the last time that you even complimented me. you think its so funny to insult me and see me get worked up over it but you don’t realize that i think about it for forever afterwards and some things really do hurt me. and i tell you things that bother me thinking you’ll be sensitive enough to my feelings to maybe not bring up things anymore but it’s like you only do more. you know it bothers me that you don’t tell me how you feel and that you don’t reply to me over serious things and you ignore all my feelings and mention people and you do it anyways for that very reason it seems. i don’t know when everything changed for you, but it didn’t for me. so then that leaves me just stuck looking like a loser. but i’m starting to see things differently because i finally am realizing how stupid that i look for just i don’t know, taking it all. just being like, well - maybe one day he’ll realize that he really does like me and care about me, maybe one day he’ll start to miss me and then feel the same again.  but let’s get real, you’re not. like i feel like you don’t even want to be as close of friends anymore or anything because i think you’re afraid that i’ll get the wrong impression or something. no, i know you don’t like me. like, i’m pretty sure you’ve made that clear. and you’ve been making it very very clear lately who you would rather be hanging out with. but don’t lie to me about anything because that just makes it worse. like i know you say you don’t like her, and hey, maybe you don’t - but yanno, just judging by the way things look here, wouldn’t you think the same? i mean, i feel like if it were me, i couldn’t get you to go to my games for anything in the world. i can’t get you to go to my performances so idk, i just don’t understand what’s so special about these people. i mean i didn’t even think so and so liked so and so or you liked so and so or you liked this or that. it’s like i feel like they’re getting to know a different you and i’m just losing you and can’t do anything about it. and then when i tell you that, you say nothing to it. nothing at all. so do you understand why that i’m so insecure and so paranoid about losing you? it’s because you know how i feel, and you give me no reason to believe that i’m not. actually, you just gave me MORE reason to believe that i am. and it doesn’t even bother you is the thing. like if i knew you felt that way, i would do everything in my power to keep you from feeling that way. if i knew you were insecure about something about yourself, i’d try to make you feel better about it, not worse. i think that you like her more BECAUSE of her lack of emotion, i think it scares the hell out of you to think that i actually really care for you, so i guess you’re going to try to push me away and find something that makes you feel less, asks less of you emotionally wise. idk. i don’t understand you sometimes. i just don’t know when everything changed for you because it didn’t for me. but i think it’s starting to. i’m just realizing that like, i can’t MAKE you stay closest to me, no matter what i do, if it’s not what you want. and that’s okay. i mean, as long as we’re friends still, i’m good. i’ve told you that countless times. and you know that i love you and i always will and i’ll always be here for you, but i just can’t take like being sad all the time and letting it ruin my day that you don’t ever want to talk to me like you used to or come up and do things or go places or just hang with me. like i’ve just got to do the same. but it’s just not fair that you do things that if i did, would completely make you so mad. and you know it would. and you know that deep down it would probably really bother you if i chose someone else over you. like, you know if you always felt like my second choice, that it would bother you. and that’s just on a friendly level. but that’s the thing, you take SO SO SO much advantage of the fact that you ARE NEVER second choice to me. like you know good and well i would pick hanging with you over anyone else in this world and that i’ll just not do anything if it means that i may get to hang out with you. you know that i always put you first so you never have to worry about it. like you take advantage of how much that i love you and care for you because you know that no matter what you do or say, i’m still going to feel the same and you know i can’t stand us being mad at each other and you know how afraid i am of not talking so you know i’ll just let things go and just go on and never stay mad over anything because i’m afraid that if i make you mad that you’ll stay that way. and i also know that the things that i do get mad over, i really have no right to because we’re not together or even talking or anything more than friends i don’t guess so it’s like even when i get mad i have to stop myself because that’s not something that i have the right to get mad about. like you not telling me what you’re doing, you shouldn’t have to, sooooo - i’m wrong in that. that’s why when people are all like “i’d be so mad” and stuff, i can’t be. i have no right. but still, when you hold my hand and argue with me and just know me so well and tell me you’ll help me achieve my life goals and stuff it’s hard for me to be like oh, he feels nothing for me. but then in the same evening you’ll be completely stand offish. it’s just a roller coaster. that’s why i really want to know how you feel about me, but i’m so scared to ask because i really know that the answers to the questions that i ask would not be what i want them to be and why upset myself like that when i don’t have to. like i know the answers to all the questions already for myself, so why ask them. but the thing is, if you do have feelings for me at all, telling me doesn’t mean we have to jump into no relationship or anything. i mean, you used to tell me how you felt about me all the time and it changed nothing. it just made me a heck of a lot happier and more secure. like you need to let me know things. i’m your best friend, or at least i like to think that i am, even if i don’t feel like i really am the one you tell the most to like currently, even if i completely feel replaced by other people, i still am your best friend, and you’re supposed to tell your best friend everything. who you like, how you feel, what’s going on in your life, just everything. and i can handle it. like you can tell me whatever. i’m a big girl. i just want to know. i just want to see some kind of emotion come from you. like i want to know what scares you so badly about love. like why are you so against it, why are you so afraid to let yourself really fall for someone? not everyone is like the first, not everyone is going to leave you. and no, i’m not talking about just me. i mean i know you’ve liked plenty of people, but i think you try to like the ones that you don’t expect will like you back, then when they do, you get all chicken and run and push them away. do you know what you could be missing out on by doing that? you could already have something SO wonderful. someone who loves you and cares for you so much that they would die for you in a heartbeat, but you’re like scared of it. you like someone until they like you back then you don’t know what to do anymore so you just stop. but you expect them to be ready when you finally are and honestly, no one is going to wait FOREVER. i mean, if you really think you could have something good, i believe people will wait quite a while, even when everyone else says its too long, because they believe in love and that it will happen and sometimes they’re right and i’m a firm believer in that, but there is no one on this earth that can just sit and let the one they want to be with that “may” want to be with them eventually, go and test their waters and see what all is out there and then realize what they had in the first place and go back to them and expect them to still be there just waiting, however long it takes. that’s not fair and it’s not right. so many people don’t realize what they have until its gone and then its too late and they have missed out on something that could have been amazing. i mean, i do believe that if it’s really meant to be that two people will end up together regardless. they’ll find a way if they really love each other. but that’s the thing, i think that they have to love each other first. if you run from it, and never let yourself love them or care for them, then it’s not going to bother you any to lose them and you’re gonna miss out on that and probably settle for so much less. I mean you can find a billion people who are going to like you and they’re going to be what you think you want and tickle your fancy for a little while but you’ve got to look deeper, like i guess that’s why i don’t like many people and it takes me so long to fall for people because i have to really know you before i can “like” you. i have to know you first and trust you first and feel like you’re someone i’m going to want to have in my life forever. which is why when i get attached, i attach my whole heart to yours, (which btw is NOT good when you lose people) but its like, i love how i do things. i love that i’m not a normal 17 year old girl in that aspect because i actually take the time to learn the person, i look for the one who knows how to handle my craziness and will, and will still love me, the one who wants to talk to me even when i don’t give them a chance to respond because i never shut up, someone who listens to me complain and just tells me to calm down and lines me out when i need it, someone who really knows me and knows all of my flaws and sees all of my mess ups and still accepts me, puts up with me when they really don’t have to, makes me laugh when i don’t want to smile, pushes my buttons and makes me mad and puts me on edge just to make me do better, argues with me but can turn around and tell me that they love me in the same breath, someone who deals with my childish ideals and makes plans with me even if they’re the stupidest things ever that i want to do, like i have to know you and trust you first, i actually get to know someone before i’ll let myself fall for them. so it’s like, i realize what i have, and honestly, its an honor for me to like you, not that i’m anything special or any like “trophy” to obtain, but obviously i think that you are if i’m willing to waste so much of my life caring for you. i take the good with the bad and i accept you for what you are. i put up with all the bad habits you may have and i honestly try to make you the best person that you can be, because i truthfully CARE about your future and your well being, even if i’m not going to be in it. i wish everyone were like that. i wish that everyone would stop being so two-faced and immature and just stop playing around with everyone’s emotions and start trying to read their own. i’m proud to say that my hormones do not control me, my heart does. everyone needs to be like that. say that i’m wasting my youth, say that high school is all about dating a bunch of people so you know when you have the right one, say i’ve wasted too much time on people, say that i’ll regret it, say what you will - but when i’m happily married and i have something amazing and all you have is something to keep you from being lonely for the night, you’ll see. as long as i find my right one, i will be fine. i will never regret not being with a bunch of people in high school because once i have the love of my life, what will any of that matter? it won’t. i wouldn’t even remember it. like i just can’t wait until people grow up and start seeing things through the same eyes as i do. it may suck now since everyone automatically thinks that you’re crazy and weird and they automatically write you off because they know they don’t have a chance with you more than likely because of how particular you are - but in the long run, i think i’ll have my fairytale and i believe that i’ll be okay. i’ll be happy and in love and okay. i think that the lord will make sure of that. and honestly i’d love to think that it’s someone i already know, because i have a hard time thinking that the person i am going to grow old with could not know me. like someone that i’m going to be with for forever had missed out on 17 years of my life, idk - its weird for me to think about, but i don’t know what God has in store, i mean, i don’t even know how long i’ll live, but i know what whatever, or whoever it is, he’s going to be so great. because i think that good things come to those who wait, and i’m more than willing to wait, i just don’t want to settle. i want to get to the point to where i honestly feel like i deserve the best. right now i only feel like i deserve so much, like that i will never be able to find anything better so i better take the best thing i can find, but to me, that is the best thing. so i think that’s what i need. but ultimately, God is the only one who knows what’s right for me. so i just have to trust in him and just pray about it. and i’m only 16 years old, i know i have so much time - but i just want it now. but like i said, i think the best things come to those who wait. my mom didn’t find true love until she was 45 years old, and they have more battles than probably most do, but you can tell by the way that they look at each other how much they’re in love. you can tell by how easily they can hurt each other what they mean to each other. that’s why they argue so much. but it just makes it better. lets me see that no love is perfect but if you work at it, it will stay and it will grow, it just helps me believe that true love is real and makes me so excited for it. but look, they went to school together forever and were friends and never expected anything more. he asked my mom out many times and she never would give him a chance, so she found what she thought was love in two other people and was tortured for years because of it, and you know, if she would have taken the chance, she may have been able to avoid all that. OF COURSE, there was a reason that things didn’t happen that way i suppose, reason being the one typing this - but honestly, had they gotten together i never would have been thought of, but she never would have been abused, so i kind of wish she would have found him sooner. but i was “destined to be” as my mom says, because there’s no way that i should have ever even been able to have been conceived, but i was. and i’m here and honestly, my brother and i have been what has kept my mom here before. she needed me, so God sent me to her. she and my dad both used to say that they don’t know what they did to deserve it, but God blessed them with an angel, and before my dad died my mom talked to me for hours one night when he was in the hospital and told me how that God sent me to her to save her life, and that not only did i save hers, but i saved my dads as well by not giving up on him until he gave his soul to the Lord so he could go to heaven and live forever. Like i don’t remember it, but my mom said when i was little, before i had ever been taught things in church i would describe heaven to then and bed them to go with me and that i would lay hands on people and animals and the Lord would heal them. i even asked a boy at my school not too long ago if he remembered me laying hands on his dog and it getting healed of parvo and he did, he told the story back to me and it just amazed me that he remembered that, and that it meant something to him. and all the way up til dad died he looked to me for strength when it came to praying and stuff, he’d always ask me to, because he always thought i was this perfect angel, and even the other day my grandma, and his mom, told me that i was her little angel. i just wish that i were as amazing as my family thinks that i am. i wish that i were a better example of what an “angel” should be, i really have no power, i’m nothing special, God just hears my prayers, but he hears everyone else’s as well. i just wish i could go back to being little for a little bit. i wish that i could take with me that pureness and innocence and that crazy desire that i had to go to church and sing in church and get everyone around me saved. i was in grade school standing in EVERY SINGLE time that they asked if anybody had lost family members they wanted to pray for, i was right there for my daddy, and it may have taken persistence to get him to stop smoking, to get him to walk away from fights, or to get him to get saved, but i never gave up hope and he did, it took until i was 16 years old and he was very ill, but he did it, and that’s all that matters, so i would do it all over again, whatever it would take to save his soul. i just thank God that it’s never too late and he can forgive you of anything. I can’t wait to see my dad again. but i feel like i need to change and do better in order to do so. everyone thinks the opposite, thinks that my dad’s death drove me more away from God, but it didn’t. if anything it suppressed any doubt i had of miracles or answered prayers. just because God doesn’t answer a prayer when you want or when you think that he should, doesn’t mean he’s not going to at all. just never give up.   but anyways, i got way off track there. so back to my mom - things have a way of working themselves out, and i suppose that it only makes her appreciate my step dad more. i KNOW it makes me appreciate him more. but the moral of the story is that you can’t run from love forever because success and happiness is NOTHING without someone to share it with. i don’t care what you say. and you can be afraid to fall, that’s fine. that’s normal, and it’s gonna be hard when you do find someone, idc who it is, you’ll argue and fight and thing will change but if you really love them and you have the will to make it work, then it will, as long as the other person feels the same. and it will only make you all stronger, but you have to work at it. you can’t get scared at the first sight of trouble and get afraid of getting hurt and run. no. you’re gonna get hurt always but you need to figure out who’s worth it. obviously i think that having you in my life is worth getting hurt a little over, from a friend aspect and more, because let’s be honest, you can’t say that we’ve only been friends, otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten mad when i hung out with other people or talked to other people who were interested, you wouldn’t have told me how you felt so much, you wouldn’t hold my hands the way you do and let me be such a big part of your life, and i wouldn’t do the same. i wouldn’t look at you the way i do, i wouldn’t take a bullet for you, and i sure as heck wouldn’t be rambling on with all of this right now over “just a friend” and nothing more. not saying there’s more there now for you, just saying there was, and for me there still is, but don’t freak - it will fade eventually. but i think i build myself up too much and i tell myself that like you know me sooo well and when you say things make you think of me and you think “destiny would love this” and stuff i’m like aw, he must think of me all the time, and it’s like, i like to think that you know me so well all on your own and you remember and pick up on things about me all on your own, but what i need to realize is that i’m nothing special to you, i’m sure if i asked you any of the same questions about the other people you’re best friends with, you could tell me everything about them too. and i’m sure when you see things that remind you of them you’re like “oh, so and so would love this” like, i try to make myself believe that you care so much and that you think about me so much and stuff when i’m just lying to myself because i’m just the same to you as everyone else. all of your other friends, i’m just another one. i don’t really think that i’m that “special” best friend to anyone. like, everyone has that one person who they’re closest to and they just tell everything to and are constantly talking to and where you can find one you can find the other and stuff and i used to be that for different people, but i’m just not for anyone anymore. like it’s like everyone’s just finding all these new people and i’m just not. like no one else wants to have me as a best friend. and it’s my own fault for trying to hard and pushing people away with my like obsessiveness. it’s ridiculous but i really don’t know how to stop it. that’s why i have this thing. so that i can just spill all my thoughts and not look crazy. but then again i’m dumb enough to give it to people to look at which just makes me look even more psycho. but whatever. i just feel like that friend that everyone hangs out with and loves to her face, then they get behind her back and are like oh my gosh she is so annoying like i don’t want to hang out with her or constantly talk to her but she just doesn’t get the point and keeps texting me and making plans and i feel like i ruin everyone’s time and that no one actually has a good time when they’re with me. i feel like everyone would rather be with someone else. like everyone would have more fun with someone else. and i just feel like i’m the reason that they can’t. like i’m holding them back from where they really want to be. like i really feel like such a burden to some people. and it’s not like they make me feel like i’m not. they might as well just agree. i just need to be reassured of how everyone feels about me and i hate that about myself. i don’t know. i hate my emotions. i hate the way i am. i hate feeling like i cannot trust ANYONE. like everyone’s lying to me just to appease me or keep me from going psycho or crying. it’s a terribly feeling really. it’s so miserable having a mind that never ever stops. it’s so miserable wanting love so so so bad and never finding it or even allowing yourself to try. it’s miserable being stuck in the past and hating change. it’s miserable thinking about your dead dad every single day and hearing him and seeing him in your mind and not being able to hug him. it’s miserable constantly questioning how everyone around you feels about you or sees you. you have no idea. i don’t think anyone has any idea how i feel so much of the time. no, i’m not depressed, i have God and i’m really not, even though i sound it when i let out all my inner emotional crap like this, and don’t get me wrong, i have plenty of people that love me and worry about me and want the best for me, but still yet i just don’t feel complete i don’t guess. i think i would if i were a better christian and i have no excuse for not being better, i’m just not. that’s sad too. being a disappointment to yourself. like i could do so much better in church, so much better in school, and i could already be driving and just making so much more of myself, but i’d rather be lazy and sleep and barely get by and idk. i’ve just not been happy with myself this year. it’s just not good. but, moving on from all that junk - just gonna say that i think i’m done being how i am and i think that’s what you’re going for. i think i’m going to accept things and change the way i think about things and how much i let things bother me. and i know its still going to, but if i pretend it doesn’t enough then eventually it won’t. and i so mess myself up and give myself the short end of the stick by always expressing how i feel about everything, but i just can’t keep it in.  i just need to find people that actually care.

speaking of which, i just want to say that i have honestly found someone in my school who i really think is just not like the rest. you know those people that you just feel like you can connect to? like they are generally just a good hearted person who is there to listen to your problems and help you in any way that they can? the ones that offer a compliment or a smile just to lift your spirits or a word of encouragement when you’re just having a bad day? yeah, you probably don’t because there are not many of those out there. actually, i had pretty much given up hope that any one in that prison that they call a school even had a real heart, but then came along this one boy who completely proved me wrong. honestly, he has NO idea how much that he’s helped me and changed the way that i look at things just within the past few weeks alone. first of all he compliments me nearly every day and tells me that i’m beautiful, and not only appearance but he compliments my character as well, which means even more and it helps me to feel less insecure because i can be sitting there trying to fix my part in my hair and wondering about my eye-make up and whether it’s even or not and he’ll just like read my mind and tell me that i have such pretty eyes and stuff and it just makes my day. then the other day out of the blue he told me how that i was so special and not like all these other girls and how he knows he’ll never meet anyone else like me and how that i’m the perfect image of what a guy would want cause i have a good heart and all and that i was beautiful and that any guy that could have that and didn’t realize what all they were missing out on was just dumb and stuff and said he had wanted to tell me that so he thought that he would. and just yanno, he’s always telling me that i deserve something great and just lifting my spirits and even though we may not talk 24/7 or hang out all the time or he may not know the little things about me or my favorite candy bar or little things like that, i really would consider him as one of my closest friends because i feel like he knows my heart. we always write notes to each other in chemistry cause we’re both lost and sometimes i ramble on random things and draw pictures and it keeps my mind off things and sometimes i spill my guts and its just so nice to have someone that has so much going on for him and just doesn’t even have to make time for you, but they do - just because they honestly want to listen to you and help you with any problem you may have, even if they may have problems of their own. like i believe that he really cares about my happiness and really does want whats best for me, just like i want whats best for him. and what’s so crazy is that i really feel like i can tell him anything and know that he doesn’t go to anyone else and talk about me and i can tell him just how crazy i am and my insane ways of thinking and he doesn’t go behind my back and make fun of me to other people or tell them anything, he just listens to me, says what he can to help and goes on. and i try my best to do the same for him, but i know i always end up doing most of the talking. and then it’s like we can have these deep heart to hearts then go back to lab and goof off and act like we didn’t completely just spill our guts. i think everyone needs to find a friend like that. someone that they know they can just talk to. and this guy is someone that i would have never expected to be such a big softie. like i’m so glad i’ve gotten to know him and how he and i think so much alike and stuff because i would have just put him in the same category with all the other cocky football players and all the other heartless two-faced preppy little people at the school. just goes to show you should never judge a book by it’s cover. you should never judge period. and i know everyone does, and i’m guilty of it myself, but honestly, you have NO IDEA what the people you sit beside of in class every day are actually going through. you have no idea that the same person who puts on a smile every day and acts so confident is actually one of the most insecure people in the world and hates everything about themselves. like you don’t know anyone’s story, why they are the way they are, why certain things offend them so easily, why they get so upset, why they always wear that same necklace everyday, why they only have a few different outfits, why they don’t always dress up, why the act the way they do to get attention, why they won’t open up to anyone, why they never talk, why won’t give anyone a chance. like no one really has any idea the true inner workings of another person and it’s ridiculous that we all just go off of first glance and automatically make up in our minds why that person is that way and whether we like them or not, before we ever know anything about them. it’s human nature, i understand that. but i mean, wouldn’t it be cool if just one day we all woke up and we all looked the same. like everyone in the world looked the exact same, and sounded the exact same, or even if we all woke up one day blind, and had no recollection of any sight, and we all had to just talk to each other and base NOTHING on appearance, just on personality. like if we all just opened up to each other one day because we had no fear of being judged because we really didn’t know who one another was, then the next day we all discovered who we had talked to the day before. like i think that would be so cool. imagine how many more people you would connect to. i think it would be amazing. i think we need a “challenge day” at our school, but of course our people are too prideful and b.a. to do it, or so they think. little do they know that they would look stronger for doing it than for sitting out. but anyways, on to my next subject, i just thought i would say that if you think someone is beautiful or great or you like something of theirs, you should tell them. because it just may make their day, or better yet, it may open their eyes to how wonderful that they really are. like if you think someone has a lot going for them, tell them that. if you really care for someone, tell them that. everyone needs to forget the fear of looking stupid or feeling stupid or making things awkward and just say what they feel. open up. i promise you feel better and the other person may have been needing to hear it or wondering what you thought about them anyway. but just be sincere. so i just want to thank that person for being who they are. i have no doubt that they’ll go far with the heart of gold that they have. especially if they get on the right path with the Lord and let him guide him like he’s wanting to. yup.

anways, i have 100 more things i actually want to write about but it’s late and i want to get to sleep, so that i can hopefully wake up a little earlier tomorrow and look nice for school. so imma do that. after some pictures and quotes, though. i feel better. my chest loosened up and stuff so now i can just go sleeps.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

Let go when you’re hurting too much,
give up when love isn’t enough,
and move on when things are not like before.
surely there is someone out there
who will love you even more.

Your life lies before you like a path of driven snow, be careful how you tread it cause every step will show.

the people worth loving arent always easy to love.

Music gives us an escape from our drama filled,
teenage heart ache driven lives.
A chance to actually be a part of something amazing.
It gives us something to believe in

It’s like this. You have to have the nicest jeans, or the cutest purse, or say the newest thing so that it catches on. You have to be skinny, you have to buy this, wear this, say that, be on his side, her side, be neutral, have white teeth, have straight teeth, you hair can’t be frizzy, and you can’t wear that because it just doesn’t ‘work’ anymore. You have to go to parties, be friends with everyone, trust no one, pose like this, smile like that, tilt your head this way, and put your hand on your hip, because that’s how it is. And let me just say, it’s not worth it.

Never assume someone likes your by their sweetness, sometimes you’re just an option when they’re bored.

Do not anticipate trouble,
or worry about what may never happen.  
Keep in the sunlight.

Along the way, I’ve learned that you can’t let anyone in too
far and you can’t trust endlessly. The biggest mistake you
can make is to care or love someone more than yourself,
because then you are just setting yourself up for
disappointment. Boundaries are necessary so that you can
protect yourself, because once you’re broken, you’ll never
be fully fixed

“I hate Valentine’s day. Every day should be for love. You should celebrate love 364 days of the year. Then on Valentines day you should get to tell whoever you hate that you hate them. There would be one day of hate and 364 days of love.”
- Ashton Kutcher

so we got snow in march.

and it has completely screwed up my internet and it works for two minutes then stops for 5. it’s so wonderful. so i’m probably gonna do all this for it to not even post. :|

but anyways -

Stop falling in love with everything that lets you down, even if your hands
are shaking and your faith is broken, even as the eyes are closing, do it
with a heart wide open. Say what you need to say.

As we drifted apart, I was becoming more desperate to save what we once had shared; like a vicious circle, however, my desperation made us drift apart even further.

This is for every time you built me up just to make me cry. This is for all those things you said that turned out to be a lie. This is for every day I spent alone and I couldn’t get out of bed. This is for every night I couldn’t sleep cause you were in my head. This is for every promise you made and then later on you broke. This is for all the lies behind every word you spoke. This is for every time you brought me down and made me feel like dirt. This is for the way I feel every time I see you with her. This is for all this time I kept my stupid dream. This is for all the signs I knew I should have seen. This is for missing you every time I’m having fun. This is for loving you, despite everything you’ve done. 

None of your scars can make me love you less.

In love, never put yourself in the situation where you are not sure where you stand in someone’s life. Never expect, never assume. So that if they choose to drop you, you have enough strength to move on.

Over the course of a lifetime, you meet a lot of people.
Some of the stick with you through thick and thin.
Some weave their way in your life and disappear.
But once in a while, someone comes along who
ears a permanent place in your heart.

When you start to really know someone, all his physical characteristics
start to disappear. You begin to dwell in his energy, recognize the scent of
his skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell. That’s why
you can’t fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it,
want to own it. You can love it with your eyes & your body but not your heart.
And that’s why, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, any
physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant.

Never give up on someone you can’t go a day without thinking about.

I think the best part is reaching that point of your relationship where everyday
feels the same and that you don’t have to worry about anything changing.
You’ll still wake up to the same sleepy face and still be encapsulated by the
warmth of the same awkward limbs, and still be able to share the same silly
comments and thoughts and faces that only you two understand. I know it sounds
repetitive and boring and is just a pattern that some can’t break, but I think it’s
the most comforting in the world because some people can never reach that
point and I think it means a lot when you do. It’s letting someone see and be
with you in a way that no one else could. That’s what makes it so special.

sometimes i think you like to see just how much you can hurt me, and how much i’ll take.

do you ever just have those days where absolutely nothing in the world is right? like nothing you can do makes you feel better. you can’t cry, you can’t sleep it off, you can’t do anything because nothing works and you just want to scream. like scream to the top of your lungs and grit your teeth and run away just run until you get away from everything and everyone. and you don’t want to talk to anyone because you know that they really don’t care. you’re an annoyance to them, they don’t know what to say, and they have problems of their own so you don’t want to be a burden to them. my daddy is gone. the one person i would want to talk to doesn’t want to hear it, know what to say, or even care really. and then the other person i would want to talk to lives a billion and twelve miles away. it’s just one of those days where i’m like really, i have no friends. i’ve limited myself to like two people and they both have plenty of other people. i just don’t understand how the most fake and mean people have tons of friends and little me here cares so deeply about everyone and loves everyone with my all and i have like no one. that’s the most unfair thing ever i think. like i’m not one of the fake people who would throw you under the bus if it meant my own gain in a heartbeat. but my school is so full of those people. it’s disgusting how heartless and cold people are. i just don’t see how people just don’t care. like how can you know someone is hurting and not want to make them feel better or just, idk. how can you claim to have feelings for someone and not just want to hug them and kiss them and be with them and do little things just to make them happy and see them smile. i just need to understand that not everyone is like me and that the people who aren’t like me are so much better off. i wish that i could learn to be a little colder but i just can’t. even if i try. i get sick at the thought of so much. i feel like death currently just because i worry SO MUCH about the future it’s like, i can’t even enjoy the present. like, i say that i trust people too easily, but i don’t think that i really trust anyone. like i feel like i truly have no one that doesn’t talk about me behind my back. i hate talking to people when i know they’re with someone else becuase i feel like they’re making fun of everything i say. i feel like i talk to much and i get on everyone’s nerves. i feel like i’m a downer and everyone gets sick of hearing how much i don’t like myself or all that i complain about. but the truth is, i really don’t do it for attention. like that’s just how i see myself. and i just don’t even understand how you can find the good in everyone else and compliment them and stuff but find no good in me whatsoever at all. i feel like everyone is two-faced. even some of my family. although i know that some of them aren’t, and some of them care just a little too much, giving everyone the impression that i’ve completely turned on God, which is not at all the case. i love my family, but i hate hate hate going to my mammaws anymore. i can’t do it without bawling because i know that my dad isn’t there and will never be again and i cannot even explain to you the kind of pain that you feel knowing that someone you love so much and someone who truly and honestly saw ONLY good in you and geniunely though that you were a near perfect person isn’t there anymore and will never be again and like, knowing that you’ll never see them again is just the worst feeling ever. it’s totaly different from missing someone who is alive. i miss plenty of people, but i know that if i really wanted to, i could call them or go see them or get a hold of them in some way and i know that they’re doing okay, but when you are forced to miss someone that you can never ever see again on this earth, it’s the hardest thing i’ve ever done. i couldn’t explain the feeling to anyone. it’s such a deep hurt that my heart LITERALLY aches when i think about it and i can’t help to when i go to my mammaws because there’s just something missing and that’s all they talk about anymore and i just have a hard time dealing with it. that’s why i don’t get inconsiderate people. like, i know what it feels like to hurt and i want to be someone who people know is there no matter what, although i’m obviously not considering no one really wants to get close to me? but that’s a good thing, cause lord knows when i get attached i REALLY get attached and when i lose them it’s just like torture. so maybe he’s just trying to protect me from that. idk. i just know that i could have just this one person to hang out with all the time and be satisfied and i don’t think that it should be that way because that feeling isn’t mutual. i just want to know that someone (other than like, my wonderful mommie) cares about me as much as i care about them. like i don’t think that i will ever find anyone who wants everything that i am and accepts me, insecurities and all. i don’t think that i’ll ever find anyone who thinks everything that i am is beautiful. i think that i’ll push everyone away cause i’ll freak them out trying to hold on to them so close because i am TERRIFIED of losing people. i just care so much for so many people, like i would die for them, and i don’t feel like anyone would do the same for me. like i know there are plenty of people who really care about me, yes. i know i have a lot of people that love me, but i want to find someone who would be willing to go out of their way to make me happy, someone who would give up something they loved for me, just really cared enough to want to listen to my problems and be there for me. like someone who saw good in me and beauty in me and forced me to see it too. just someone who really loves me i guess. i think plenty of people may like me, but i feel like after they really get to know me, they’re all gonna leave me because none of them want to put up with me and all of my craziness. like my constant thinking and overanalyzing and jealousy and insecurities and problems and how sensitive i am. and i guess that’s why the few true friends i do have i try to hold on to so tightly and i get so so scared when they hang with other people because i feel like they’re going to drop me and i’m going to lose them to someone else and then really have no one and i just get like obsessive and completely stupid and worry myself sick over nothing and things that will probably never even happen. and i don’t trust anyone’s thoughts because i feel like there’s an alterior motive to everyone’s kindness. like most of the time i feel like when people compliment me they’re actually making fun of me or are thinking in their mind that someone else is better at that or would look better in that and i feel like idek. it’s like i’m forced to realize that people like me if they keep wanting to hang out with me, but then i feel like i just annoy them and like they would be happier if i’d just stop trying. i feel like they hang out with me because they feel like they have to, and that if they don’t i’d just be annoying to them about why they don’t want to. and i feel like if i lost certain people in my life, it would devastate me and really change me forever. like i seriously feel like i need people. i feel like i really could not be happy without them. like i can’t even imagine or think about not having them, but i feel like i am completely dispensable to them. like i could die tomorrow and they would grieve and be upset for a little while and then get over it and go on like i was never even a part of their lives. i feel like they’d find new friends and just be completely fine without me. which i guess that’s how it should be, but of course i’m not like that. like idek, i guess i would eventually get over losing people, i guess you have to. i know that i could exist, even without certain people, but i don’t think i could really live. i think i would always remember them and always feel the hurt of them being gone. but i mean, i’ve lost people that i thought i never ever would before and i am perfectly fine and don’t even really miss them all the time or anything, and i never thought i would be okay without them and i am. but i just really feel like it’s different. like this one person really is such an important person in my life and has made such an impact and i’ve never felt the way i do about anyone else and i don’t think i could ever replace them or get over losing them. but i mean, i’m like that with a lot of people. but i feel like life is just unfair and you lose everyone. so maybe it’s good to be cold hearted and shallow. sure, you might seem terrible, but you’re better off in the long run and you don’t get hurt i guess. but then in a way, i think i’d rather get hurt and upset and actually let myself have feelings for people and stuff than have no feelings at all. i don’t think you can really love people if you just shut everyone out. so in a way it’s good that i am like i am, and in a way it’s bad. like i really feel, and i really care, and if i love you, i really love you. and i think that people will remember that about me when i’m gone and that’s really what i want. but then again it kinda sucks at the current time. i just open up to way too many people and think that they care. and it’s a relief when you find someone who actually does. and believe it or not, there are a few out there. i just wish everyone would let themselves feel the way i do about people. like i wish people would see things the way i do and have feelings and thoughts like me just for a little while so they would be more sensitive to people like me. and besides, i think it’s kind of an amazing thing to see people the way i do and love them like i do. it’s a good feeling sometimes. i love when people feel like they can open up to me and i’ll listen. i love when people feel like they can trust me. cause then i feel like i can do the same with them and it feels amazing to know that you have someone like that. i just want to know that i am someone’s first choice. like i’m the one that they would choose over anyone to be with or hangout with or come to with their problems or anything. uhm, blah blah blah blah blah. i’m done. and i love adele. :)  

blindfold me and take me somewhere beautiful?

i want a shirt with anchors on it, panties too.

anyways, i feel like things are kinda weird lately. i don’t like it.

time to sleep.

Can’t lose what you never had, can’t keep what’s not yours, and can’t hold onto something that does not want to stay.

Love neither because you like the person nor
because you care. Love not because you know
that you can’t live without that person, instead
just love and forget about why.

It’s better to cross the line and suffer
the consequences than to just stare
at the line for the rest of your life.

There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn’t expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me, there are some loves that don’t go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky enough to end up with somebody who has a little of that insanity. Someone who never lets go. Someone who cherishes you forever.

To love someone is a very special thing , but for that someone to love you back is more of a miracle. If you happen to stumble upon such a miracle, make sure you realize it.  Never take it for granted, never throw it away, never let it sit, and most of all never let it die.

i like the thought of you falling asleep to the sound of my heartbeat.

uhm, please hurry.

At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It’s not like you’re giving up, and it’s not like you shouldn’t try. It’s just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.

the worst feeling in the entire world is feeling like you need someone for your life to be complete, literally feeling like your world would crumble to the ground without them, when they look at you as just another person that they could take or leave and be perfectly fine either way, without ever missing you once, and having to know that you would be lost without them, but they really would be just fine.

Jealousy is nothing without love.
And love is nothing without jealousy.

If a girl can put up with you through your worst days, then it’s kind of obvious that you shouldn’t let her go.

LA American Idol = disappointment.

She fell asleep for only a minute,
but when she awoke she found herself lying on his chest,
feeling him breathing steadily beneath her.
His arm was draped around her shoulders
and it seems like he didn’t want her to leave, ever.

& i’ve learned to be the kind of girl
that doesn’t care what others think,
cause all that matters is what God thinks.
and what God thinks about you is a whole
lot important than what your friends think.

Sometimes you have to cry for no reason to make up for the
times when you wanted to but didn’t.

I know I’m full of insecurities and disappointments, but I promise you there’s a part of me worth keeping.

there is no real definition for love. it could be that
endless feeling of happiness you get from being around that
person or the butterflies you feel fluttering around inside of
you when he smiles. but one thing I’m sure of is that we all
fall in love sometime in our life, & when we do, then &
only then can we give our definition of love.

I just want that late night movie, long walks in the park,
cuddle up on the couch, kind of relationship.

I want something real.
Something I can touch and hold onto.
A love that makes my heart skip and gives me
that amazing feeling in the pit of my stomach
I want forever. is that too much to ask?

you just have to live your life
not caring & shake off the drama
just to prove that you are
better than they think you are.

I could never imagine feeling about anyone else
the way I feel about you. But I’ll do what I can.
-the second summer of the sisterhood

every single day in chemistry

i’m done.

Give her your hand, and she’ll never let go. Give her your heart, and she’ll hold it next to hers. Give her you’re attention, and she’ll show you her heart. But it’s guys jobs to hold her hand tightly in public, to not play with her heart, and to listen when she really needs someone to talk to. It isn’t that hard.

5 things that girls think, but guys don’t know:

1. When a girl says that something is cute, or that she is jealous of another cute thing a guy did for their girlfriend, LEARN from it, and remember it, you may think you’re not being unique, but a girl will appreciate it just the same.
2. Don’t ever ever ever talk about another girls body, assets, or personality infront of her if you two have intentions on being together. It will make the girl feel like she isn’t good enough.
3. Never ever ask a girl what she wants to talk about. She’ll like it if you’re actually trying to make conversation with her, no matter how stupid the conversation is. If you can’t think of something to talk about now, what is going to make her think that you will be able to think about it weeks/months/years from now? No girl wants a boring relationship.
4. Don’t talk to other girls, by putting hearts & texting them every day, girls will easily assume things, so don’t be sketch, cause she will loose trust in you.
5. When a girl acts sad, she only does it because she wants you to ask what is wrong. & even when she does say “nothing” she wants you to BEG her to tell the truth & ask again.

don’t act like you like me 2% of a time and be a dick the remaining 98. laugh cause i cry, laugh cause i get hurt, laugh cause people hate me or hurt my feelings, care less about what i say and pretty much let me know that you wouldn’t care if i was alive or dead, yanno. you don’t have to tell me what you’re doing or even reply if you don’t want, but you freak if i don’t reply first thing? not that i don’t love that, but i just don’t quite understand you? like if you like me like you say you do when you start to miss me or whatever, then act like you do. make up your mind if you do or not and quit playing with my feelings cause you know i’ll let you. if you have/develop/have had feelings for someone else, imma learn to be cool with it and move on. i should really learn to be a normal sixteen year old girl and not the way i am. i make everything so much harder for myself and keep myself so worried sick and upset. fuuuuuuck. how i wish i could be a guy and not give two shits about absolutely anything or anyone. must be so nice to not have feelings or an actual caring heart.

Don’t say things you don’t mean, Because I would believe anything you say & I would actually take it to heart.

she is beautiful, and her voice absolutely amazes me to no end.

except for when i listen to her sing, i just want to give up completely because i know i could never even come close to coming close.

There’s a story behind every person. There’s a reason why they’re the way they are. They aren’t just like that because they want to. Something in the past created them, and sometimes it’s impossible to fix them.

i’m terrified of losing people AS i grow up. it’s already happened some and i believe that it’s going to continue to. i just don’t understand why all the people that i’m afraid to lose, aren’t afraid to lose me. they act like they’d be okay with it. it’s so nice.

I like it when people tell me about their problems, because unlike society today, I care. And it reminds me that there’s someone out there who trusts me with their secrets.

what is this feeling. it is god awful. i miss my dad.

oh, how i miss the old degrassi characters.

i always think acoustic versions are prettier

Mrs. Matthews: Cory, you educate me. You tell me what love means to you.

Cory: Mom listen, I haven’t been together with Topanga for 22 years, but we have been together for 16. Ok, it’s a lot longer than most couples have been together. I mean when we were born,  you told me that we used to take walks in our strollers together around the block. When we were 2, we were best friends. I mean, I knew everything about this girl. I knew her favorite color, I knew her favorite food. Then we got to be 6 and Eric made fun of me because it wasn’t cool to have a best friend who was a girl or even know a girl. So for the next 7 years I threw dirt at her. I like to call those’ the lost years.’ And then when I was 13, mom, she put me up against the locker and she kissed me. I mean, she gave me my first kiss. She taught me how to dance. She was always talking about these crazy things and I never understood a word she said. All I understood was that she was the girl I sat up every night thinking about. When I’m with her I feel happy to be alive, like I can do anything, even talk to you like this. So that’s what I think love is, mom…when I’m better because she’s here.

i miss that show so much. ;(

Don’t let someone become a priority in your life when you are just an option in theirs.

boy, you always know how to make a girl feel better. i think you’re incapable of complimenting me unless you think i’m gonna be mad or something. never make me feel pretty, never make me feel special, and never make me feel like you actually care. hm, wonder why i’m so down on myself and compare myself to everyone else to talk about. blah.

Have you ever felt that rush of emotion when you get in a big argument with someone youre close with or love, and youre so angered with pain because you didn’t really mean to argue? You just had a bad day, or you needed to let off some steam. And it comes that time where youre all alone and you just can’t hold back the tears, your heart is pounding, and your body is on the verge of shaking. It’s a terrible feeling.

You very rarely get everything you want in life, but when you don’t fight for it, you have even less of a chance. So here I am. Fighting. For you.

Truth is, how many people these days are actually happy with everything about themselves. From their face to their body to their personality. We always think something about us could be better; could be improved. we would look better and feel better if we could change our flaws. Sure some people want to have that perfect body, clear skin, unique talents, and other stuff. but, why do you want to be so damn perfect? Do you think more people will like you if you were so perfect? Do you think you will find love if everything about you was perfect? Get better grades? Live a better life? Why can’t’ you just live your life and be happy and proud of who you are. If you’re not, then start accepting who you really are. Be unique, be happy, be YOU.

I wonder if people look at me, and think “I wish I was that pretty,” because that’s what I think when I look at everyone else.

It sucks when you know that you need to let go but you can’t, because you’re still waiting for the impossible to happen.

A girl doesn’t need to tell you straight up how she feels, it’s written all over her eyes. If you can see how she feels without her telling you, then you definitely deserve her heart.

And all I think about is how to make you think of me, and everything that we could be.

Sometimes, when i say “oh, I’m fine” i want you to look into my eyes and say “tell the truth”.

getting a tamagotchi for christmas….

not such a good idea. #3….dead.

i have a billion things i’d like to rant about, but i’m just too lazy to type it all.

now that’s just plain sad.

something’s not right with me today. even my pictures are looking ugly to me today. blah.

I can’t count on you most of all when I really need it. It’s the simple things that you do, that really hurt my feelings. The more I try, the more Im starting to see that this can’t work anymore.

if im not what you want, don’t act like i am.

me and my like only two best friends in all the world used to hang out like, every friday or something. idk when or why that stopped, but i wish it wouldn’t have. sad part is, they have other people to hang out with…. but i mean, i have a nice comfy bed to sleep in. so it’s all good.

tumblr is what people with no lives do on weekends. woo.

Its those moments when you drive around in a car full of friends around a town too small for you. Where you gasp for breathe between each laugh. Its about those moments where you get high off just breathing in so deep, you feel your lungs getting cold. For a second, that split second, you dont care. You dont care about school, about parents, about money, about rules, or broken hearts. Who you care about are the kids sitting next to you. Cause its all we really need, isnt it? Those kids next to you, yeah. The ones who make you feel invincible, even at your weakest points.

dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting starts, 11:11 and birthday candles. do your job.

LOVE that dress. gosh.

you don’t deserve a point of view, if the only thing you see is you

i’m so tired of you thinking you’ve messed up and then saying something so sweet to fix it, just to keep me hanging on because you don’t want to lose me, but you don’t want anything else either. you are so selfish, really. do you honestly ever think about the things you say and do, or my feelings? i’m so tired of liking you. i’m so tired of this one sided thing. i’m so tired of never knowing if i can hug you or if you’re going to act like i’m poison. one day you like me and want to love on me, the next you don’t want me to pat you on the back even. i don’t get it and i don’t get you. grow a pair and make a move or flat out tell me that you don’t like me and let me go. cause wondering and waiting is no fun. of course it’s fine for you because you know i’m always going to be there, and you can like whoever else and do whatever else and you know that i won’t. but just when i feel like i’ve had enough you tell me how you’ll always like me and all this shit that you really don’t mean. and you can say you do, but if you really did, then you would be with me. you would actually WANT to be with me every chance you get. you would just be different. you would actually act like you like me and not be ashamed or afraid to be with just me. you’d care enough about me to let me cry to you and just hug me, rather than doing everything in your might to keep from it or stay off any serious topic. if it were you, i would be there with you every minute that i even thought you may possibly need me or want me there. it doesn’t matter what the situation - i wouldn’t leave your side and i would blow off pretty much anything to make sure that i was there for you. and that’s just being a friend. no, i don’t expect you to be like me or like me as much as i like you, because that’s near impossible for you. but i do expect your actions to coincide with your words. something just needs to happen. i’m just tired of the same old same old, and i know everyone that has to listen to it thinks so too. people are right, i am stupid. and it hurts more everyday that i have to wonder how you feel. it hurts more everyday that i’m not with you. it hurts more every time you act like you just don’t care. it hurts more every time you would rather be with someone else than me. it hurts every time you act like i’m such an ugly annoyance to you. it just hurts. idek. every little negative thing that you say just sticks, it doesn’t matter what anyone else says to or about me, but when you do, it hurts me so much because i actually care what you think about me. i want to be everything you need so badly. like i don’t even know how to explain it. i want to be to you what you are to me. you’re beautiful ad wonderful and in my eyes there is nothing or no one better than you. i look at you like you hang the moon and the stars and i really don’t have a reason to. you don’t give me a reason to. and you know it. you said yourself that you had someone who was crazy about you and you messed it up. and that SHOULD have messed it up, but of course, it didn’t. because that’s just how stupid i am, and how much that i just care about you regardless. it’s just awful to think that you are just another girl, just another friend, just nothing special, to the person that is everything to you. YOU have no idea what that feels like, because everyone loves you, no one wants to lose you. and you don’t even realize how blessed you are to have that. you don’t have to do ANYTHING for people to just love you, you don’t even try. and you take advantage of it. and i don’t know what you’re so afraid of, but you have to take a risk sometime. who cares if you’ve gotten hurt once, so have i, but you cannot judge everyone else just by one person. that’s unfair and stupid. i wish you could be me for just one day. just one day. you would be so different. and i sit here typing all my heart out and you’re leaving me glozelle videos because you have no idea nothing is even wrong because you complain when i try to tell you all my feelings because you just don’t care. so i resort to typing them all in here for whomever to read except for you because i know you like to ignore anything that has more than 3 words. i know you’re a guy and you’re just different, but i also know that if you care so much for someone, you want to listen and you want to know. it doesn’t matter who you are or what gender you are. i know for a fact when you liked other people you hung on their every word and watched their profile like a hawk. now tell me you’re not just like me. blah. i just always wonder if you’re the same with other people as you are me. like if you’re talking to everyone else every day and stuff. sdjaw. yeahhhhhhh. i’m freezing cold. it’s weekends like these when i miss having [haddanameherebutdecidedtoeraseiteventhoughitreallydoesn’tmatteranyways] and always having someone to hang out with and do fun stuff with. Just, good luck when i finally do wisen up and just move on and look for someone else to fall in love with, good luck finding someone who will wait as long as me and be so patient and understanding with you and your lack of feelings or someone who will actually work to break down your big wall you have built up around your heart, or will try to hard to see the real you, or will love every single fiber of your being and all of your flaws and will think that you’re amazing and wonderful and tell you that. not that i think you’ll have a hard time finding someone, cause you definitely won’t. but you will have a hard time finding someone who cares as much and loves as deep as i do. i promise. i had a lot more to say but i don’t remember it all now. i love glozelle. i hate you so much. lololol. whatever, i don’t know why i even complain, cause nothing will change. i mean, i make pretty sure of that. make excuses. whatever i have to do. but then on the other hand, you’re hilarious and adorable and original and sweet sometimes and i love your guts. stupidfaggotheadcoldheartedwimpyscaredlittlejerk. :)

The worst way to miss someone is when they are right beside you and yet you know you can never have them.

ew god. please get mad at me when -YOU- clearly have no right to be mad but -I- do.

please, please - turn it around and act like something is -MY- fault.

please, be a bitch to me now. i would love that.

but of course i never say a word and never argue back because i’m more mature than both of my parents.

lovely day in my household. and apparently mother’s anger is my fault today. sweeeeeeeeet.

:)

stress.

watched all of nightmare before christmas last night. end almost made me cry. beautiful.

my whole everything if being so weirdy this month. what is up?

oh, and i hate snow now. its so freaking cold. i seriously have no idea how i’m going to tolerate this all winter.

yay for naptime and coloring books and warm fuzzy jammies from the grandparents. :)

——-

going into school late, i’ll probably have thursday school or some shit. slept all evening and all night. feeling like pooooooop.

I need a boy to give me a big hug and say, 
”sorry my whole gender sucks”.

reminded me of tangled. :D

As cliche as it may be, I don’t know what I would do without you. If all of a sudden you were ripped out of my every day routine,  my world would comecrumbling down.  

dude, i’ve only watched some of the first one and the last one and i already loved them. and i thought this was super sweet.

If a girl can put up with you through your worst days, then it’s kind of obvious that you shouldn’t let her go.

When there’s something you want; fight for it. Don’t give up no matter how hopeless it seems, even when you’ve lost hope, cause years from now you’re gonna look back and wish you gave it one more shot, cause the best things in life don’t come easy.

No reason to stay is a good reason to go.

If you’re getting pushed away, don’t hold on tighter. Letting go when you’re getting pushed is the only way he will feel what it’s like without you. Even though it’s the hardest thing to do, do it for him. (definitely love how my quotes contradict each other. lol.)

The grand essentials to happiness in life are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.

At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It’s not like you’re giving up, and it’s not like you shouldn’t try. It’s just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.

maybe

i should start posting all those “forever alone” things, cause that’s me. :(

screw you all and all your plans and friends and your not having any time for me or flat out not wanting to hang with me. and screw sickness from keeping me from going to chain smoking aunt’s house to stay with my cousins from florida like i normally would be. break sucks. yeahhhhh.

The reason she doesn’t talk first is because she has a “vision” of a boy going out of his way just for her.

we may not be right for each other, but we’re young, the whole “soul-mates” thing doesn’t exist this young. we live in a world where all we do is strive for more. but why can’t we be happy with what we already have? if you can take a lesson from “you never know what you got, until it’s gone”, maybe we’d learn to appreciate what we have more often. you can’t always get the perfect moment, all you can do is make the best out of the circumstances. because there will never be the perfect guy, but there will be the guy you learned to love; his flaws and everything else in between.

Let’s play a game. I’ll keep you guessing and you’ll never win. Yeah, games are supposed to be your thing, but I’ve been practicing.

When words become useless, hold her hand.

thankfully my computer doesn’t yet either, butttt it did make me laugh. :)

i want to be the one you want. the one you need.
your reason for getting up in the morning,
rushing breakfast and hurrying about to catch a bus and a train
or even a fucking helicopter just to come & see me.
i want to know that you are mine & mine only.
i want that, just that one thing from you.

i want that nail polish. i really, really do.

waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought; useless & disappointing. -a cinderella story

Stultum est timere quod vitare non potes. -
It is foolish to fear what you cannot avoid.

At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It’s not like you’re giving up, and it’s not like you shouldn’t try. It’s just that you have to draw the line of determination  from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.

let’s hear it for all the over thinkers out there.

and it’s all so overrated,
 not saying how you feel.
 so you end up watching chances
fade and wondering what’s real.

Being single doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you’re strong enough to wait for what you deserve.

There are some things we do because we convince ourselves it would be better for everyone involved. We tell ourselves that it’s the right thing to do, the alturistic thing to do. It’s easier then telling ourselves the truth. 

— My Sister’s Keeper

On nights like this when the air is so clear, you end up saying things you ordinarily wouldn’t. Without even noticing what you’re doing, you open up your heart and just start talking to the person next to you—you talk as if you have no audience but the glittering stars, far overhead.

There’s so many things I have to say. I’d stay up all night, just to hear about your day.

Love the heart that hurts you, but never hurt the heart that loves you.

There are those occasional nights when you break down and cry because everything’s changing and there’s nothing you can do.

You can be happy tomorrow. You can be happy when you get through your list of things to do. You can be happy when you meet the one. You can be happy when you get the right job. You can be happy when you get that raise. You can be happy when you stop buying the things you need and start buying the things you want. You can be happy when you retire. You can be happy when the weather suits you. You can be happy on a plane. You can be happy in the rain. Or you can stop reading this, take a deep breath, and be happy right now.

I guess one reason why a person starts to take us for granted, is because we’re starting to give too much.

Few people know so clearly what they want. Most people can’t even think what to hope for when they throw a penny in a fountain