watching forrest gump

for the first time ever.

aw, i love it so far. :)

I’m terrified because I don’t want anyone to have your heart.
I don’t want anyone to kiss your lips or feel your arms around them.
I don’t want anyone to be the girl you’re completely in love with.

But I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Well, it burned while I cried
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

You deserve the right kind of love, the kind of love that makes you happy, the fantastic love that’s in books and movies. Even if you aren’t together forever, you’ll want to look back and never regret falling in love with him. That’s the kind of love we all deserve.

If you’re going to trust someone with your heart, make sure they have a heart of their own so they know how it feels when it’s broken.

I wish you could see how much I care. How much I want you to care back. You really matter to me, and somehow I will get that through your head. I won’t give up until I do because I love you.

i love that song, band, drawing, and especially tattoo.

i remember every word you ever told me. i can’t stop thinking about it. so i keep talking. because i’m so scared that you’ll stop.

When a girl complains that a guy has no heart, it usually means he has hers.

if “plan A” doesn’t work out, don’t worry, you still have 25 letters left

I don’t need you to love me. But you have to open up your heart to somebody. You’ve gotta let someone discover
how staggering you are, just don’t be alone. That I can’t live with.

i want some macaroni and cheese.

well fuck prom…

and everyone and everything that has to do with it

….anddddd that’s all i have to say about that.

i really really really miss my dad.

it’s harder. i can talk about it without even whimpering and i feel so cold, but my heart literally hurts and all i want is for him to be here to hug me. like you really have no idea. no one really has any idea at all. this is one hurt that i can’t even describe and it will never go away and he’ll never come back and i need him. i’m still just a kid.

and i realized while trying on dresses today with my absolutely gorgeous best friend that being a size 0 means absolutely nothing but i can’t even stop losing weight. i’m not even doing it on purpose.

i also realized that i am not happy with myself at all.

i mean,  i hate my body.
i hate my stomach.
i hate all my stretch marks.
i hate my bruises cause i get them if you just touch me.
i hate my hair and how it does what it wants no matter what.
i hate that my make-up looks like pure shit at the end of the day and no one even bothers to tell me.
i hate my bottom teeth.
i hate how pale and sensitive my skin is.
i hate my hair color.
i hate that i can only sing in a certain range and can’t go high at all.
i hate how big my nose is.
i hate my toenails.
i hate my back.
i hate my clothes and how i don’t even fit into them.
i hate how my hair gets tatty stringy and greasy in a matter of hours.
i hate how my face stays broken out looking and so uneven on one side.
i hate that i have two different ears.
i hate that my eyes never look the same.
i hate that i always use too much nail polish and get it everywhere.
i hate my eyebrows and how they grow overnight.
i hate my peach fuzz blonde mustache on my face.
i hate that my wrists are too small to wear normal sized bracelets.
i hate how hairy my arms are, and i am in general.
i hate how jealous i am and how easily i let things get to me.
i hate that i bore everyone with my problems when they have problems of their own.
i hate how easily i open up to everyone.
i hate how people are so fake.
i hate high school period.
i hate that my boobs shrunk and there’s not a bra that’s really my perfect size.
i hate that i have no butt whatsoever.
i hate that i can never put together outfits and look super cute.
i hate that my hair won’t curl, or do anything but lay flat to my head, for that matter.
i hate how teeny tiny small my lips are.
people think being skinny is so fun and its not. you’re just bony and then what meat you do have is all flabby. and then you can’t be fat cause then people are all on your to be skinny, then when you’re skinny they’re all on your for not eating when you clearly do. it’s like no matter what i do look like or say i can never win, so why even try.
there’s just about nothing about myself that i wouldn’t change. my eyes, maybe. and that’s about all. everything else i would love to change or rearrange or get rid of. i seriously can’t find beauty in myself by the end of the day and i can’t stand to look at myself and that’s just sad. it’s like i’m stuck in a body that i don’t even want but i have to make due. i guess you’re never really satisfied with yourself though, so whatever. what can ya do?

anyway, i’m so sleepy and i have homework. i took me a cat nap though a little earlier by accident. butttttt i just needed to vent a little i guess. and here’s about the only place that i could openly vent without getting fed some bullshit about how wonderful i am when i know they’re just saying it out of pity, or get shrunk and almost put into therapy or something, or would care i guess. i mean, clearly you can’t care since you’re like a website, but it’s better to bother an empty box with my problems and insecurities than someone who doesn’t care, want to hear it, or know what to say, i guess. i need to quit being annoying and talking so much. i never ever shut up. i ruin everything and over think and over analyze and worry about everything until i make it non enjoyable. i dunno, i’m a screw up some days. and some days other people are too. dicks.

this world is so full of cold hearted fake immature people who just don’t care and find humor in other people’s pain and insecurities and it’s sickening. it blesses my soul to find someone who truly does. one of those people that you just know really wants you to be happy. that’s nice. there should be more of those people around.

i smell good. i need to make myself eat more but i feel like i have heartburn and i’ve been kinda sick to my stomach and shaky all day. i really hate school more every single day that i enter the building and i become increasingly annoyed with the people and teachers in it as well. it’s just terrible. the same old thing every single day. having to dread each class that you don’t understand and fail because you really have no other choice. i can’t understand chemistry and pre calculus even if i try. and the fact that everyone has just decided to stop talking to me and that they don’t need me in their lives, well - that’s cool too. i don’t need you either. makes me easier to lose all of you so whatever. and yes, it’s bound to happen. i’ve come to the conclusion that eventually you will lose everyone. like everyone you love and think will never leave you will and then new come and i’ll get too attached to them and then they’ll leave too and it’s a viscous cycle and it’s sad, but it’s a part of life so what can you do. blah. just one of those mondays.

oh, and did i mention that i miss my dad?

she’s so naturally pretty and so is that place. salty.

I took one big step and I looked away and then I thought of all the things that I wanted to say. I’m always too late, you never got your story straight. I’m always up late, I think I’m everything you hate.

he’s blind. and he is absolutely beautiful to me.

Despite my empty mouth the words are in my mind.
Please wear the face, the one where you smile,
Because you lighten up my heart when I start to cry.

And I hear your words that I made up
You say my name like there could be an us
I best tidy up my head I’m the only one in love

You shower me with words made of knives

Sometimes not even the truth can change your mind when someone can mean so much to you.

No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.

would you wait if i wrote you a perfect song tonight?
to make your heart stand still & make your chest grow tight
but i’ll never write a perfect line
& i don’t know why i even waste my time & try
& for the longest time, i couldn’t love her to save my life

He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life.

starmaker.

coolest app ever.

oddly enough, i actually really like that dress.

i keep getting these magazines of nothing but ugly prom dresses. seriously, don’t waste your time and remind me that i’m so lame and getting old. stupids.

In the end, it’s better to say too much than to never say what you need to say.

Every time she laughs, she hopes he’s watching. Not so that he sees she’s happy, but that maybe, just maybe he’ll fall for her smile, just as hard as she fell for his.

i want a guy best friend who gets mistaken as my boyfriend. a guy best friend is everything you need. another boy who makes your life complete. a boy who i can run to when my girl best friends aren’t around. he’ll kick my future boyfriend’s ass when he makes me cry. he’ll make me laugh when there’s tears in my eyes. he is immediately my date on special occasions when you’re single. I don’t know why. but i really need a guy best friend. a real guy best friend. - i has dat. he’s wonderful, sometimes. but i want to get the boyfriend side in that story. being single begins to suck and you start to get feelings for that friend and then they act like they feel the same way and they tell you that they do and then they get tired of you and say that you’re too good of friends and it would ruin everything and they get scared and run like chickens and then they start to like someone who you were starting to consider a best friend and then you’re just left hurt and then they say stuff to make it all better, but then you have to worry about whether or not it’s all a lie. so no, no one wants this…. sometimes. but then other times, it’s the greatest thing you could ever have, and it makes you so happy to have someone like him in your life. it’s kind of like a roller coaster. like you love the ride cause it’s fun and it makes you so happy, but then after you ride it so long it starts to make you sick and you decide that maybe you want off? it starts to bang your ears off the sides and hurts you a little, but then like as soon as you get off and get settled down, you want to do it all over again. it’s pretty indescribable, even if it seems like i just did. you could never really understand. but you’ll never want to change it or give it back after you find it. you’ll want to hold on to it, and sometimes, too tight.

you should never fight your feelings, when your very bones believe them.

grow old with me. the best is yet to be.

None of those other things make a difference. Love is the strongest thing in the world, ya know. Nothing can touch it. Nothing comes close. If we love each other, we’re safe from it all. Love is the biggest thing there is.

it’s crazy right? to love someone who’s hurt you. it’s even crazier to think that someone who hurt you, loves you.

I don’t want to remember you. Because remembering you means you’ll be gone. Remembering means I won’t have you in my life. I never want to have to remember you.

it hurts so much to think that you could read all this and think of someone else the entire time.

i hate winter.

and now i hate christmas too.

worst week of my entire life.

lost my daddy on christmas eve.

i just want to fall in love. i want to have someone to help me through all this. someone to just lay with me and pet me and kiss my forehead and tell me it will be okay.

other than my mom, and the rest of my family. i just want someone to occupy all of my time. and to actually want to. winter makes lonely people feel even more alone. blah.

i sang amazing grace at my daddy’s funeral. and i stayed strong through the whole thing. very proud of myself.

people just annoy me anymore. like my new feed on facebook LITERALLY makes me angry. people are so dumb. so dumb and immature.

MY COUSIN GOT ME THESE FOR CHRISTMAS. cannot wait to get them in the mail. :)

i would give anything to go back to disney and visit my florida best friend. he’s been so nice and stuff through this stuff with my daddy.

i’m just typing what i want in between these cause i don’t feel like looking for quotes.

new years was good, but kinda sucked as well. don’t wanna start a new year without my daddy. and i want someone to drink hot chocolate or whatever that crap in that picture is, with me and hold me. blah for not having a new years kiss, or a valentine, or anyone who wants to be that for me. :|

i gotta tamagotchi and crayons too. such a little kid. :)

AND A SOCK MONKEY!!!! i’ve wanted one my whole life. yeah, my best friend is pretty alright sometimes. lol.

i look like a different person and am so so ugly without makeup dude, seriously.