the world is always ready to receive talent with open arms.

my fortune from chinese. anywaysssss though - i’ve been sleeping so much lately i haven’t written out all my feelings, but i’ve had them all. i’ve just made a list of all that i want to talk about.

First of all, i’m guessing love is in the air considering every time i hit home on facebook two new people are in a relationship and i’m all, seriously guys - come on. forever alone here. and it’s just depressing that everyone is finding someone and i’m just like…. that’s cool, i’ll just sit here and uhm, sleep.

secondly, when all these girls do find these guys, WHERE do they find amazing ones who like just look at them with these eyes that just show that they like reallllly love them, like they’ll do anything for them, wait on them hand and foot, are COMPLETELY whipped, and even if they aren’t getting any. and i’m like, HELLO - what did you do to deserve someone SO amazing like that when i have the biggest heart in the universe and i can’t get anyone to like me, ever. like no one that i’d want to anyways. i don’t get it. like how do all these cold people who don’t even TRY to make people like them have SO many friends when i worry myself half to death over people liking me, yet no one does? i don’t much get it. but whatever, yanno. i’m starting to feel like, if people want to be a part of my life, then they’ll make a point to be in it and i’m gonna stop trying to force people to hang out with me. like they obviously could care less if they lose me, so why should i tear myself up about making them stay? they’re going to end up with who they really want to be with anyways and obviously that sure isn’t me, so that’s fine. i’ll just do something else. i guess it’s just that i hate thinking that anyone could ever know you as well as i do or anyone could take my place in your life since no one could ever take yours in mine, but i am completely indispensable to you, and i have to realize that and just make myself stop being so damn pathetic and psycho crazy and upset and just be like look, you lose people, you can’t keep them close if they don’t want to be, and you just gotta deal with it and not let it ruin you. like there is nothing else you can do. so this turned into something else completely but that’s okay, i’m gonna just keep going. so i’m glad that i can tell you how i feel about everything and you can ignore it and not reply and then rub the fact that you’re spending all weekend with her in my face even after that and it not bother you one bit. like i get that you don’t like me anymore and that’s fine, but not even a best friend likes to see you hurt and you KNOW stuff that you say hurts me but you do it anyways. and you say that you don’t mean to but if you didn’t mean to you wouldn’t do it and then laugh when i get all paranoid about it. i get that you have other friends and that’s fine, hang out with other people. but it’s the fact that it seems like you seriously grow more tired of me every single day. like you hate me a little more daily and you grow more fond of them. like you act like it’s nothing at all to you to not hang out with me or barely even TALK to me all week when it kills me and that just really is not fair. we are absolutely nothing like we used to be. you used to care for me so much and you used to tell me everything. what you were doing what you wanted to do, and you wanted to be with me and you wanted to talk to me and tell me good morning and good night and how much you loved me. like it’s written ALL over everything in my room. i can count 15 things that say it just sitting here. like you wanted me to know and now i can’t even remember the last time that you said it first. you used to tell me that i was beautiful and stuff and now i can’t even remember the last time that you even complimented me. you think its so funny to insult me and see me get worked up over it but you don’t realize that i think about it for forever afterwards and some things really do hurt me. and i tell you things that bother me thinking you’ll be sensitive enough to my feelings to maybe not bring up things anymore but it’s like you only do more. you know it bothers me that you don’t tell me how you feel and that you don’t reply to me over serious things and you ignore all my feelings and mention people and you do it anyways for that very reason it seems. i don’t know when everything changed for you, but it didn’t for me. so then that leaves me just stuck looking like a loser. but i’m starting to see things differently because i finally am realizing how stupid that i look for just i don’t know, taking it all. just being like, well - maybe one day he’ll realize that he really does like me and care about me, maybe one day he’ll start to miss me and then feel the same again.  but let’s get real, you’re not. like i feel like you don’t even want to be as close of friends anymore or anything because i think you’re afraid that i’ll get the wrong impression or something. no, i know you don’t like me. like, i’m pretty sure you’ve made that clear. and you’ve been making it very very clear lately who you would rather be hanging out with. but don’t lie to me about anything because that just makes it worse. like i know you say you don’t like her, and hey, maybe you don’t - but yanno, just judging by the way things look here, wouldn’t you think the same? i mean, i feel like if it were me, i couldn’t get you to go to my games for anything in the world. i can’t get you to go to my performances so idk, i just don’t understand what’s so special about these people. i mean i didn’t even think so and so liked so and so or you liked so and so or you liked this or that. it’s like i feel like they’re getting to know a different you and i’m just losing you and can’t do anything about it. and then when i tell you that, you say nothing to it. nothing at all. so do you understand why that i’m so insecure and so paranoid about losing you? it’s because you know how i feel, and you give me no reason to believe that i’m not. actually, you just gave me MORE reason to believe that i am. and it doesn’t even bother you is the thing. like if i knew you felt that way, i would do everything in my power to keep you from feeling that way. if i knew you were insecure about something about yourself, i’d try to make you feel better about it, not worse. i think that you like her more BECAUSE of her lack of emotion, i think it scares the hell out of you to think that i actually really care for you, so i guess you’re going to try to push me away and find something that makes you feel less, asks less of you emotionally wise. idk. i don’t understand you sometimes. i just don’t know when everything changed for you because it didn’t for me. but i think it’s starting to. i’m just realizing that like, i can’t MAKE you stay closest to me, no matter what i do, if it’s not what you want. and that’s okay. i mean, as long as we’re friends still, i’m good. i’ve told you that countless times. and you know that i love you and i always will and i’ll always be here for you, but i just can’t take like being sad all the time and letting it ruin my day that you don’t ever want to talk to me like you used to or come up and do things or go places or just hang with me. like i’ve just got to do the same. but it’s just not fair that you do things that if i did, would completely make you so mad. and you know it would. and you know that deep down it would probably really bother you if i chose someone else over you. like, you know if you always felt like my second choice, that it would bother you. and that’s just on a friendly level. but that’s the thing, you take SO SO SO much advantage of the fact that you ARE NEVER second choice to me. like you know good and well i would pick hanging with you over anyone else in this world and that i’ll just not do anything if it means that i may get to hang out with you. you know that i always put you first so you never have to worry about it. like you take advantage of how much that i love you and care for you because you know that no matter what you do or say, i’m still going to feel the same and you know i can’t stand us being mad at each other and you know how afraid i am of not talking so you know i’ll just let things go and just go on and never stay mad over anything because i’m afraid that if i make you mad that you’ll stay that way. and i also know that the things that i do get mad over, i really have no right to because we’re not together or even talking or anything more than friends i don’t guess so it’s like even when i get mad i have to stop myself because that’s not something that i have the right to get mad about. like you not telling me what you’re doing, you shouldn’t have to, sooooo - i’m wrong in that. that’s why when people are all like “i’d be so mad” and stuff, i can’t be. i have no right. but still, when you hold my hand and argue with me and just know me so well and tell me you’ll help me achieve my life goals and stuff it’s hard for me to be like oh, he feels nothing for me. but then in the same evening you’ll be completely stand offish. it’s just a roller coaster. that’s why i really want to know how you feel about me, but i’m so scared to ask because i really know that the answers to the questions that i ask would not be what i want them to be and why upset myself like that when i don’t have to. like i know the answers to all the questions already for myself, so why ask them. but the thing is, if you do have feelings for me at all, telling me doesn’t mean we have to jump into no relationship or anything. i mean, you used to tell me how you felt about me all the time and it changed nothing. it just made me a heck of a lot happier and more secure. like you need to let me know things. i’m your best friend, or at least i like to think that i am, even if i don’t feel like i really am the one you tell the most to like currently, even if i completely feel replaced by other people, i still am your best friend, and you’re supposed to tell your best friend everything. who you like, how you feel, what’s going on in your life, just everything. and i can handle it. like you can tell me whatever. i’m a big girl. i just want to know. i just want to see some kind of emotion come from you. like i want to know what scares you so badly about love. like why are you so against it, why are you so afraid to let yourself really fall for someone? not everyone is like the first, not everyone is going to leave you. and no, i’m not talking about just me. i mean i know you’ve liked plenty of people, but i think you try to like the ones that you don’t expect will like you back, then when they do, you get all chicken and run and push them away. do you know what you could be missing out on by doing that? you could already have something SO wonderful. someone who loves you and cares for you so much that they would die for you in a heartbeat, but you’re like scared of it. you like someone until they like you back then you don’t know what to do anymore so you just stop. but you expect them to be ready when you finally are and honestly, no one is going to wait FOREVER. i mean, if you really think you could have something good, i believe people will wait quite a while, even when everyone else says its too long, because they believe in love and that it will happen and sometimes they’re right and i’m a firm believer in that, but there is no one on this earth that can just sit and let the one they want to be with that “may” want to be with them eventually, go and test their waters and see what all is out there and then realize what they had in the first place and go back to them and expect them to still be there just waiting, however long it takes. that’s not fair and it’s not right. so many people don’t realize what they have until its gone and then its too late and they have missed out on something that could have been amazing. i mean, i do believe that if it’s really meant to be that two people will end up together regardless. they’ll find a way if they really love each other. but that’s the thing, i think that they have to love each other first. if you run from it, and never let yourself love them or care for them, then it’s not going to bother you any to lose them and you’re gonna miss out on that and probably settle for so much less. I mean you can find a billion people who are going to like you and they’re going to be what you think you want and tickle your fancy for a little while but you’ve got to look deeper, like i guess that’s why i don’t like many people and it takes me so long to fall for people because i have to really know you before i can “like” you. i have to know you first and trust you first and feel like you’re someone i’m going to want to have in my life forever. which is why when i get attached, i attach my whole heart to yours, (which btw is NOT good when you lose people) but its like, i love how i do things. i love that i’m not a normal 17 year old girl in that aspect because i actually take the time to learn the person, i look for the one who knows how to handle my craziness and will, and will still love me, the one who wants to talk to me even when i don’t give them a chance to respond because i never shut up, someone who listens to me complain and just tells me to calm down and lines me out when i need it, someone who really knows me and knows all of my flaws and sees all of my mess ups and still accepts me, puts up with me when they really don’t have to, makes me laugh when i don’t want to smile, pushes my buttons and makes me mad and puts me on edge just to make me do better, argues with me but can turn around and tell me that they love me in the same breath, someone who deals with my childish ideals and makes plans with me even if they’re the stupidest things ever that i want to do, like i have to know you and trust you first, i actually get to know someone before i’ll let myself fall for them. so it’s like, i realize what i have, and honestly, its an honor for me to like you, not that i’m anything special or any like “trophy” to obtain, but obviously i think that you are if i’m willing to waste so much of my life caring for you. i take the good with the bad and i accept you for what you are. i put up with all the bad habits you may have and i honestly try to make you the best person that you can be, because i truthfully CARE about your future and your well being, even if i’m not going to be in it. i wish everyone were like that. i wish that everyone would stop being so two-faced and immature and just stop playing around with everyone’s emotions and start trying to read their own. i’m proud to say that my hormones do not control me, my heart does. everyone needs to be like that. say that i’m wasting my youth, say that high school is all about dating a bunch of people so you know when you have the right one, say i’ve wasted too much time on people, say that i’ll regret it, say what you will - but when i’m happily married and i have something amazing and all you have is something to keep you from being lonely for the night, you’ll see. as long as i find my right one, i will be fine. i will never regret not being with a bunch of people in high school because once i have the love of my life, what will any of that matter? it won’t. i wouldn’t even remember it. like i just can’t wait until people grow up and start seeing things through the same eyes as i do. it may suck now since everyone automatically thinks that you’re crazy and weird and they automatically write you off because they know they don’t have a chance with you more than likely because of how particular you are - but in the long run, i think i’ll have my fairytale and i believe that i’ll be okay. i’ll be happy and in love and okay. i think that the lord will make sure of that. and honestly i’d love to think that it’s someone i already know, because i have a hard time thinking that the person i am going to grow old with could not know me. like someone that i’m going to be with for forever had missed out on 17 years of my life, idk - its weird for me to think about, but i don’t know what God has in store, i mean, i don’t even know how long i’ll live, but i know what whatever, or whoever it is, he’s going to be so great. because i think that good things come to those who wait, and i’m more than willing to wait, i just don’t want to settle. i want to get to the point to where i honestly feel like i deserve the best. right now i only feel like i deserve so much, like that i will never be able to find anything better so i better take the best thing i can find, but to me, that is the best thing. so i think that’s what i need. but ultimately, God is the only one who knows what’s right for me. so i just have to trust in him and just pray about it. and i’m only 16 years old, i know i have so much time - but i just want it now. but like i said, i think the best things come to those who wait. my mom didn’t find true love until she was 45 years old, and they have more battles than probably most do, but you can tell by the way that they look at each other how much they’re in love. you can tell by how easily they can hurt each other what they mean to each other. that’s why they argue so much. but it just makes it better. lets me see that no love is perfect but if you work at it, it will stay and it will grow, it just helps me believe that true love is real and makes me so excited for it. but look, they went to school together forever and were friends and never expected anything more. he asked my mom out many times and she never would give him a chance, so she found what she thought was love in two other people and was tortured for years because of it, and you know, if she would have taken the chance, she may have been able to avoid all that. OF COURSE, there was a reason that things didn’t happen that way i suppose, reason being the one typing this - but honestly, had they gotten together i never would have been thought of, but she never would have been abused, so i kind of wish she would have found him sooner. but i was “destined to be” as my mom says, because there’s no way that i should have ever even been able to have been conceived, but i was. and i’m here and honestly, my brother and i have been what has kept my mom here before. she needed me, so God sent me to her. she and my dad both used to say that they don’t know what they did to deserve it, but God blessed them with an angel, and before my dad died my mom talked to me for hours one night when he was in the hospital and told me how that God sent me to her to save her life, and that not only did i save hers, but i saved my dads as well by not giving up on him until he gave his soul to the Lord so he could go to heaven and live forever. Like i don’t remember it, but my mom said when i was little, before i had ever been taught things in church i would describe heaven to then and bed them to go with me and that i would lay hands on people and animals and the Lord would heal them. i even asked a boy at my school not too long ago if he remembered me laying hands on his dog and it getting healed of parvo and he did, he told the story back to me and it just amazed me that he remembered that, and that it meant something to him. and all the way up til dad died he looked to me for strength when it came to praying and stuff, he’d always ask me to, because he always thought i was this perfect angel, and even the other day my grandma, and his mom, told me that i was her little angel. i just wish that i were as amazing as my family thinks that i am. i wish that i were a better example of what an “angel” should be, i really have no power, i’m nothing special, God just hears my prayers, but he hears everyone else’s as well. i just wish i could go back to being little for a little bit. i wish that i could take with me that pureness and innocence and that crazy desire that i had to go to church and sing in church and get everyone around me saved. i was in grade school standing in EVERY SINGLE time that they asked if anybody had lost family members they wanted to pray for, i was right there for my daddy, and it may have taken persistence to get him to stop smoking, to get him to walk away from fights, or to get him to get saved, but i never gave up hope and he did, it took until i was 16 years old and he was very ill, but he did it, and that’s all that matters, so i would do it all over again, whatever it would take to save his soul. i just thank God that it’s never too late and he can forgive you of anything. I can’t wait to see my dad again. but i feel like i need to change and do better in order to do so. everyone thinks the opposite, thinks that my dad’s death drove me more away from God, but it didn’t. if anything it suppressed any doubt i had of miracles or answered prayers. just because God doesn’t answer a prayer when you want or when you think that he should, doesn’t mean he’s not going to at all. just never give up.   but anyways, i got way off track there. so back to my mom - things have a way of working themselves out, and i suppose that it only makes her appreciate my step dad more. i KNOW it makes me appreciate him more. but the moral of the story is that you can’t run from love forever because success and happiness is NOTHING without someone to share it with. i don’t care what you say. and you can be afraid to fall, that’s fine. that’s normal, and it’s gonna be hard when you do find someone, idc who it is, you’ll argue and fight and thing will change but if you really love them and you have the will to make it work, then it will, as long as the other person feels the same. and it will only make you all stronger, but you have to work at it. you can’t get scared at the first sight of trouble and get afraid of getting hurt and run. no. you’re gonna get hurt always but you need to figure out who’s worth it. obviously i think that having you in my life is worth getting hurt a little over, from a friend aspect and more, because let’s be honest, you can’t say that we’ve only been friends, otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten mad when i hung out with other people or talked to other people who were interested, you wouldn’t have told me how you felt so much, you wouldn’t hold my hands the way you do and let me be such a big part of your life, and i wouldn’t do the same. i wouldn’t look at you the way i do, i wouldn’t take a bullet for you, and i sure as heck wouldn’t be rambling on with all of this right now over “just a friend” and nothing more. not saying there’s more there now for you, just saying there was, and for me there still is, but don’t freak - it will fade eventually. but i think i build myself up too much and i tell myself that like you know me sooo well and when you say things make you think of me and you think “destiny would love this” and stuff i’m like aw, he must think of me all the time, and it’s like, i like to think that you know me so well all on your own and you remember and pick up on things about me all on your own, but what i need to realize is that i’m nothing special to you, i’m sure if i asked you any of the same questions about the other people you’re best friends with, you could tell me everything about them too. and i’m sure when you see things that remind you of them you’re like “oh, so and so would love this” like, i try to make myself believe that you care so much and that you think about me so much and stuff when i’m just lying to myself because i’m just the same to you as everyone else. all of your other friends, i’m just another one. i don’t really think that i’m that “special” best friend to anyone. like, everyone has that one person who they’re closest to and they just tell everything to and are constantly talking to and where you can find one you can find the other and stuff and i used to be that for different people, but i’m just not for anyone anymore. like it’s like everyone’s just finding all these new people and i’m just not. like no one else wants to have me as a best friend. and it’s my own fault for trying to hard and pushing people away with my like obsessiveness. it’s ridiculous but i really don’t know how to stop it. that’s why i have this thing. so that i can just spill all my thoughts and not look crazy. but then again i’m dumb enough to give it to people to look at which just makes me look even more psycho. but whatever. i just feel like that friend that everyone hangs out with and loves to her face, then they get behind her back and are like oh my gosh she is so annoying like i don’t want to hang out with her or constantly talk to her but she just doesn’t get the point and keeps texting me and making plans and i feel like i ruin everyone’s time and that no one actually has a good time when they’re with me. i feel like everyone would rather be with someone else. like everyone would have more fun with someone else. and i just feel like i’m the reason that they can’t. like i’m holding them back from where they really want to be. like i really feel like such a burden to some people. and it’s not like they make me feel like i’m not. they might as well just agree. i just need to be reassured of how everyone feels about me and i hate that about myself. i don’t know. i hate my emotions. i hate the way i am. i hate feeling like i cannot trust ANYONE. like everyone’s lying to me just to appease me or keep me from going psycho or crying. it’s a terribly feeling really. it’s so miserable having a mind that never ever stops. it’s so miserable wanting love so so so bad and never finding it or even allowing yourself to try. it’s miserable being stuck in the past and hating change. it’s miserable thinking about your dead dad every single day and hearing him and seeing him in your mind and not being able to hug him. it’s miserable constantly questioning how everyone around you feels about you or sees you. you have no idea. i don’t think anyone has any idea how i feel so much of the time. no, i’m not depressed, i have God and i’m really not, even though i sound it when i let out all my inner emotional crap like this, and don’t get me wrong, i have plenty of people that love me and worry about me and want the best for me, but still yet i just don’t feel complete i don’t guess. i think i would if i were a better christian and i have no excuse for not being better, i’m just not. that’s sad too. being a disappointment to yourself. like i could do so much better in church, so much better in school, and i could already be driving and just making so much more of myself, but i’d rather be lazy and sleep and barely get by and idk. i’ve just not been happy with myself this year. it’s just not good. but, moving on from all that junk - just gonna say that i think i’m done being how i am and i think that’s what you’re going for. i think i’m going to accept things and change the way i think about things and how much i let things bother me. and i know its still going to, but if i pretend it doesn’t enough then eventually it won’t. and i so mess myself up and give myself the short end of the stick by always expressing how i feel about everything, but i just can’t keep it in.  i just need to find people that actually care.

speaking of which, i just want to say that i have honestly found someone in my school who i really think is just not like the rest. you know those people that you just feel like you can connect to? like they are generally just a good hearted person who is there to listen to your problems and help you in any way that they can? the ones that offer a compliment or a smile just to lift your spirits or a word of encouragement when you’re just having a bad day? yeah, you probably don’t because there are not many of those out there. actually, i had pretty much given up hope that any one in that prison that they call a school even had a real heart, but then came along this one boy who completely proved me wrong. honestly, he has NO idea how much that he’s helped me and changed the way that i look at things just within the past few weeks alone. first of all he compliments me nearly every day and tells me that i’m beautiful, and not only appearance but he compliments my character as well, which means even more and it helps me to feel less insecure because i can be sitting there trying to fix my part in my hair and wondering about my eye-make up and whether it’s even or not and he’ll just like read my mind and tell me that i have such pretty eyes and stuff and it just makes my day. then the other day out of the blue he told me how that i was so special and not like all these other girls and how he knows he’ll never meet anyone else like me and how that i’m the perfect image of what a guy would want cause i have a good heart and all and that i was beautiful and that any guy that could have that and didn’t realize what all they were missing out on was just dumb and stuff and said he had wanted to tell me that so he thought that he would. and just yanno, he’s always telling me that i deserve something great and just lifting my spirits and even though we may not talk 24/7 or hang out all the time or he may not know the little things about me or my favorite candy bar or little things like that, i really would consider him as one of my closest friends because i feel like he knows my heart. we always write notes to each other in chemistry cause we’re both lost and sometimes i ramble on random things and draw pictures and it keeps my mind off things and sometimes i spill my guts and its just so nice to have someone that has so much going on for him and just doesn’t even have to make time for you, but they do - just because they honestly want to listen to you and help you with any problem you may have, even if they may have problems of their own. like i believe that he really cares about my happiness and really does want whats best for me, just like i want whats best for him. and what’s so crazy is that i really feel like i can tell him anything and know that he doesn’t go to anyone else and talk about me and i can tell him just how crazy i am and my insane ways of thinking and he doesn’t go behind my back and make fun of me to other people or tell them anything, he just listens to me, says what he can to help and goes on. and i try my best to do the same for him, but i know i always end up doing most of the talking. and then it’s like we can have these deep heart to hearts then go back to lab and goof off and act like we didn’t completely just spill our guts. i think everyone needs to find a friend like that. someone that they know they can just talk to. and this guy is someone that i would have never expected to be such a big softie. like i’m so glad i’ve gotten to know him and how he and i think so much alike and stuff because i would have just put him in the same category with all the other cocky football players and all the other heartless two-faced preppy little people at the school. just goes to show you should never judge a book by it’s cover. you should never judge period. and i know everyone does, and i’m guilty of it myself, but honestly, you have NO IDEA what the people you sit beside of in class every day are actually going through. you have no idea that the same person who puts on a smile every day and acts so confident is actually one of the most insecure people in the world and hates everything about themselves. like you don’t know anyone’s story, why they are the way they are, why certain things offend them so easily, why they get so upset, why they always wear that same necklace everyday, why they only have a few different outfits, why they don’t always dress up, why the act the way they do to get attention, why they won’t open up to anyone, why they never talk, why won’t give anyone a chance. like no one really has any idea the true inner workings of another person and it’s ridiculous that we all just go off of first glance and automatically make up in our minds why that person is that way and whether we like them or not, before we ever know anything about them. it’s human nature, i understand that. but i mean, wouldn’t it be cool if just one day we all woke up and we all looked the same. like everyone in the world looked the exact same, and sounded the exact same, or even if we all woke up one day blind, and had no recollection of any sight, and we all had to just talk to each other and base NOTHING on appearance, just on personality. like if we all just opened up to each other one day because we had no fear of being judged because we really didn’t know who one another was, then the next day we all discovered who we had talked to the day before. like i think that would be so cool. imagine how many more people you would connect to. i think it would be amazing. i think we need a “challenge day” at our school, but of course our people are too prideful and b.a. to do it, or so they think. little do they know that they would look stronger for doing it than for sitting out. but anyways, on to my next subject, i just thought i would say that if you think someone is beautiful or great or you like something of theirs, you should tell them. because it just may make their day, or better yet, it may open their eyes to how wonderful that they really are. like if you think someone has a lot going for them, tell them that. if you really care for someone, tell them that. everyone needs to forget the fear of looking stupid or feeling stupid or making things awkward and just say what they feel. open up. i promise you feel better and the other person may have been needing to hear it or wondering what you thought about them anyway. but just be sincere. so i just want to thank that person for being who they are. i have no doubt that they’ll go far with the heart of gold that they have. especially if they get on the right path with the Lord and let him guide him like he’s wanting to. yup.

anways, i have 100 more things i actually want to write about but it’s late and i want to get to sleep, so that i can hopefully wake up a little earlier tomorrow and look nice for school. so imma do that. after some pictures and quotes, though. i feel better. my chest loosened up and stuff so now i can just go sleeps.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

Let go when you’re hurting too much,
give up when love isn’t enough,
and move on when things are not like before.
surely there is someone out there
who will love you even more.

Your life lies before you like a path of driven snow, be careful how you tread it cause every step will show.

the people worth loving arent always easy to love.

Music gives us an escape from our drama filled,
teenage heart ache driven lives.
A chance to actually be a part of something amazing.
It gives us something to believe in

It’s like this. You have to have the nicest jeans, or the cutest purse, or say the newest thing so that it catches on. You have to be skinny, you have to buy this, wear this, say that, be on his side, her side, be neutral, have white teeth, have straight teeth, you hair can’t be frizzy, and you can’t wear that because it just doesn’t ‘work’ anymore. You have to go to parties, be friends with everyone, trust no one, pose like this, smile like that, tilt your head this way, and put your hand on your hip, because that’s how it is. And let me just say, it’s not worth it.

Never assume someone likes your by their sweetness, sometimes you’re just an option when they’re bored.

Do not anticipate trouble,
or worry about what may never happen.  
Keep in the sunlight.

Along the way, I’ve learned that you can’t let anyone in too
far and you can’t trust endlessly. The biggest mistake you
can make is to care or love someone more than yourself,
because then you are just setting yourself up for
disappointment. Boundaries are necessary so that you can
protect yourself, because once you’re broken, you’ll never
be fully fixed

“I hate Valentine’s day. Every day should be for love. You should celebrate love 364 days of the year. Then on Valentines day you should get to tell whoever you hate that you hate them. There would be one day of hate and 364 days of love.”
- Ashton Kutcher

“the colored kind of fruity pebbles”

i go in the kitchen to find myself some food and as soon as i open the cabinet my parents pull up with giovannis pizza and i had just looked at a picture of some and thought how it looked good, and i had said earlier that i wanted some combo sticks from there. it was pretty trippy that they read my mind and came just in time. it was real good, too. ;)

You can always tell how much you care by their ability to hurt you.

I’m sorry for…
Being annoying because I want to talk to you.
Being needy because I miss you.
Being emotional because I care about you.
Being insecure because I’m afraid to lose you.

You wonder why I’m insecure?
Because there are girls out there who look gorgeous without even trying. When they wake up they look like angels. when I wake up, I look like I just got out of a war. Those photogenic girls who look good in every photo. When someone takes a photo of me, my face looks half retarded. They don’t even need to dress nicely an they’ll still look good. How they can capture your attention just by walking past. I want to be able to do that.

what i don’t understand is how you can read it all, know how i feel, and it not have any effect on you at all.

There are no shortcuts in life or in love
This pain must be felt.  The alternative is much worse
It’s what makes us special, what makes us beautiful
What … what makes us worthy; the pain of how we love
But that pain is accompanied by something else, isn’t it?
Hope.  With your pain there is hope
And that is where you are;
Somewhere between agony and optimism and prayer
So, you’re human, you’re alive
And that is all we have

one of my life goals is to find one of those.

and to kiss in the rain, and hold hands and walk in the snow, and kiss at the top of a ferris wheel, and take pictures in some kind of a big field (yanno, like of wheat or something real tall like that)

It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting it’s sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens. But, it is never gone

Life is all about risks & it requires you to jump.
Don’t be a person who has to look back & wonder what they would have,
or could have had.
No one waits forever.

you know, this may sound weird, but i’m not actually up for a full fledged commitment to someone. i mean sure, that’d be wonderful, but i’d be satisfied with just one of those things. you know, the things where you don’t have to label it or call it anything or be together every waking minute of every day or call each other every night or get each other stuff for valentine’s day or even be publicaly affectionate. i could settle for just somene that makes me feel special and kisses me when no one’s looking and thinks about me more than most any other girl and sends me good morning and good night and texts that make me smile and wants to cuddle me and hold my hand and just generally make me feel important and happy when we ARE together. but i mean, i wouldn’t want them to be ashamed of me or anything, i just wouldn’t care to complicate it with labels. but i guess that’s like getting the milk without the cow or having your cake and eating it to, and for whatever reason people think that’s so terribly wrong. which i suppose in some cases it it? but it’s not like i wouldn’t expect them to only have that with me. like they could hang out with other people, sure - but not like cuddle anyone else, or send them good morning, or be more important to them to me. like a relationship without saying it i guess. it’s kind of stupid, but whatever. and then yanno, maybe in the long run we’d end up realizing that we really do love each other and want to make something last of it and have some fairytale romance and live happily ever after, but yanno that’s just a possibility. hahaha.

We have voices and stories and plans and dreams and ideas
We have hope.  We will wake up tomorrow to a day
That has never been known.
We are living a life that has never been lived
We are here for a reason
We exist to love and be loved
Life comes back
Things do change
Storms do pass

If a girl understands your crap and puts up with your mistakes, it’s obvious she’s a keeper.
But it’s also obvious you don’t deserve her.

“do i smell like pancakes?”

in honor of st.patricks day. ;)

Sometimes, feeling pain is a good thing because
it shows you that people can hurt you.
but most of all, it reminds you how lucky you are to
have those who won’t ever dare treat you that way.

All girls really want is someone to want them back.

you know, one day she’s going to get strong enough to just stop. just stop trying all together. she’s going to let you put yourself in her life if you want to be in it. no more keeping the conversation going; if you want to talk to her, you will. no more making plans to hang out when you’re just waiting for a better offer. no more waiting up for your call at night or staying home on a friday just in case you want to do something. no more being a second choice. if you really want her in your life, then you will put her there. and if not, well, you’re going to lose one person who loved you even more than herself and would have given the world just for you.

I could cope,with all the stupidity,cruelty,the ugly things you say and do-
if it wasn’t for the fact that once in a while you’ll do something
thats so beautiful that it gives me hope for just a second.

Sometimes I think we waste our words and we waste our moments,
and we don’t take the time to say the things that are in our hearts when we have the chance.

You know, I’ve got this theory; there are two kinds of people in the world. There are lyric people and music people. You know, the lyrics people tend to be analytical. You know, all about the meaning of the song. They’re the ones you see with the CD insert out like five minutes after buying it, pouring over the lyrics, interpreting the hell out of everything. Then there’s the music people… who could care less for the lyrics as long as it’s just got, like, a good beat and you could dance to it. I don’t know, sometimes it might be easier to be a music girl and not a lyric girl. But since I’m not, let me just say this: sometimes things find you when you need them to find you. I believe that. And for me, it’s usually song lyrics.

and i’m the kinda girl that can set the kitchen on fire,
making a bowl of cereal.

You can’t just keep fucking with someone’s feelings because you’re unsure of your own.

Look between the lines, read between the words, the most important things are left unsaid and unheard.

I aim for the guy who isn’t afraid to make the first move because he  knows I’m shy. I aim for the guy who tells me I’m cute, and isn’t just looking at my face. I aim for the guy who says something dumb, and laughs at himself after. I aim for the guy who gets a little nervous every time he gets my texts. I aim for the guy who strives to make me smile, even when I don’t want to.

i need to be asleep.

actually, no. i NEED to be doing chemistry and studying. whatever though.

so all day i thought of how yanno, sucky everything was and thought of all these things i wanted write about and just spill all my guts and complain and blah blah to this little bloggie here and then i made myself yanno, go to church - yes people who thought i had done like gone atheist, I WENT TO CHURCH, hahah. and it was good. it made me miss being in mime. and singing for church. but it’s all good. i got to see my long lost best friend and his little daughter and that of course just made my day, and when he told me that he missed me, like i really knew he meant it. then i came home only to some good american idol and 2 messages from people saying that they missed me. one of which i felt just definitely didn’t and didn’t want to hear me go on and complain anymore, and then one who i felt had done found herself a new group of best friends. and i just got to see people give their lives to the lord and little kids that got prayed for cause they have a desire to be close to him and it was just good. life is good today. lol. oh, not to mention that the little kiddies at church were happy to see me and missed me as well AND two other friends texted me and told me that they missed me. and i sat all alone at church and as soon as this one boy saw i was sitting alone he came back and sat with me and it was mega nice. oh, and i had a good make-up day too. lol.

Do you know what happens when you hurt people? When you hurt people, they begin to love you less. That’s what careless words do. They make people love you a little less.

worrying is a waste of time. it doesn’t change anything. it just messes with your mind and steals your happiness.

& now every time i look at you, i just think about how you’re not looking at me the same way that i’m looking at you. and then i wonder if you ever did. and if you did, then how long ago did you stop. then i wonder if all the times you’re not talking to me, you were talking to her. then i wonder if every time you’re not with me, if you’re with her. and then i wonder if you’re sitting there thinking about her. and then i wonder if you wish it was her there with you instead of me. and then i wonder just what it is about her. and then i wonder what made your feelings change. and then i wonder if it will ever be the same. and then i wonder…. and then i wonder…. and then i wonder some more.

What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.

I hate the fact that my heart doesn’t grow
And I hate the smell of cigarette smoke
And I hate old movies unless they make me cry
I hate the jerk you turned out to be
And I hate the sand that holds back the sea
And I hate the fact that you don’t love me for me
(I Hate Too Much - Bradley Vaughn)

At the end of the day, when it all comes down to it
All we really want is to be close to somebody
So this thing, where we all keep our distance
And pretend not to care about each other
Is usually a load of bull
So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to
And once we’ve chosen those people
We tend to stick close by
No matter how much we hurt them
The people that are still with you at the end of the day
Those are the ones worth keeping
And sure, sometimes close can be too close
But sometimes, that invasion of personal space
It can be exactly what you need

I ask myself why, and in that same breath, as I watch you, I get my answer. It’s everything about you; it’s that teasing smile, that warm scent. It’s the curve of your arms, the tousle of your hair, and the ring of your voice. It’s just everything about you. But more than that, it’s everything about me. It’s everything about the way you make me laugh, cry, smile and hurt. It’s everything about the way you make me feel.

Girls aren’t going to talk to you first. It’s a girl thing. We don’t like starting the conversation because we like to feel like you want to talk to us. We like to feel like the wait was worth something. We like feeling like you’ve waited for us like we’ve waited for you. But the number one reason we hate talking first is because we hate to seem needy or clingy. That’s why we’re scared. Cause to us, being needy and obsessive just pushes guys away. And no girl wants that.

You know what your problem is? You get attached, fast. And once you’re attached to someone, you do everything you can to please them and make them happy. It’s never been about what you want, it’s always everyone’s needs before your own. You give out too many chances to people, who quite frankly, do not deserve them. They take advantage of you, and you become a pushover. But you’re okay with that, because they’re in your life and that’s all you ever really wanted. And even if they screw you over, you’ll still be there for them. Because that’s you, that who you are. Once you get attached to someone, they capture your heart and they always have a place there. And that is why it’s so hard for you to let him go. - this.

A little jealousy in any kind of relationship is healthy;
it’s nice to know that someone is afraid to lose you.

i didn’t get to play in the snow,

walk and hold hands in it, or take pictures in it. darn. “/ glad its over though.. kinda. cept for i’ll miss the snow days alot.

It’s not hard to find someone who will tell you that they love you. It’s hard to find someone that actually means it.

Never tell your problems to anyone. 20% don’t care, and the other 80% are glad you have them. - lol, i really need to take this advice

do you know how stupid i feel for pouring my feelings out to you and you knowing how i look at him, then him telling you how he looks at me, and it not even being close to the same. do you know how stupid i feel for telling you all that and then having him tell me it’s you that he has feelings for? it’s something you just about can’t get over. i still feel stupid every time i’m around you both or his name is even mentioned when we’re together. it’s like, i just want to pretend like i don’t care. i just want to take back everything i ever said.

i want to watch the spiderman movies

It’s hard when you miss people. But you know, if you miss someone that means you’re lucky. It means you had someone special in your life, someone worth missing.

Sometimes, you can say the most wrong things at the right time.

If you don’t understand my silence, then you won’t understand my words.

You are only as good as the love you have for other people.

The two coldest places on earth are Antarctica and your heart.

This is life. People will screw you over. You’ll fight with your family. You’ll witness things that will change you forever. You’ll blame new lovers for things old lovers did. You’ll lose best friends you thought would always be there. You’ll come to realize that everyone has a past. You’ll cry, you’ll laugh, and you’ll embarrass yourself. But then, you’ll find your very own moment where none of that matters; where you can sit back and realize that shit happens to the people who can handle it and that this is who you are, and that no one should want to change you, including yourself.

i don’t want to be your second choice…

so these philly swirl icee things with candy spoons are the coooooolest.

although we adore men individually,
we agree that as a group they’re rather stupid
- Mary Poppins

oh my gosh. yes.

Don’t let your ears witness what your eyes didn’t see, don’t let your mouth speak what your hearts doesn’t feel.

I truly respect the people who stay strong even when they have every right to break down

She used to cut herself, so she got a tattoo there that says think again. :)

For once, I wish something between us would just
happen, good or bad. I wish you had something
to tell me; if I should keep holding on or just let go.

And she loves regardless of everything that has stained her life.
She loves with everything she has left, and that is beautiful.

you are defined by the way in which you
treat the people you love. and, the people you hate.

hahahahahahahaha. owned.

don’t push your relationship with a person
too hard. if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.

i would like to wear -

those little umbrellas that go in your drinks, in my hair. :D

It’s funny how long guys take to figure out what a girl likes, when all a guy really needs to do is actually listen.

You’re so cute, it’s unbearable.

that half smile when i say or do something so incredible stupid. that look that says you love me anyway. that voice you use when you talk to animals. the way you’re actually so good with your little cousins. the way you act like you’re so tough and you get defensive about the people/things you love, yet you’d never actually do anything about it. your competitive streak. the way you notice when i have new things. the way you subtly ask to find out all the details of where i’ve been. the way your hands always feel clammy. the way you shake your hair out of your eyes. the way your lips lay when you’re concentrating. your scars. the way you’re so insecure about so many things. the way everything that has your name on it has to be near perfect. the looks you give when you get shocked, disappointed, or amazed. the way you squeal like a little girl when you get really excited. the way you like to scare me when you drive. the way you fight back, but never enough to actually hurt me. the way you let me complain even though you can’t stand it. the way you let me push you and hit you and tell you i hate you all the time. the way you give me butterflies when you hold my hands and tell me that you’ve wanted to hug me all day. the way you keep up with something if you really like it. how you’re so shy and stubborn. how you can openly tell me anything and never think twice about it. when you say aw or say little kids or things are “cute”. and that’s not even all.

We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

i know you still like her. every time you even say her name or mention her in conversation, or i see you talking to her, it cuts like a knife. and i mean it literally. like it feels like my heart drops to the pit of my stomach and i need to throw up. you act like a friend to me, which is what you are - but i expect more so i always end up hurt. i’m so wrapped up in my own idea of what you should treat me like, what someone who supposedly “likes” me should treat me like, that i expect more than i should and end up disappointed. it’s hard to be your best friend when all i want to do is just hold your hand all the time and just keeeeees you, but i can definitely do it, as long as it means still having you. but idk how that will work for me when you find someone else, which you’re clearly going to. cause everyone loves you. and you aren’t hung up on anyone and i’m obviously not what you’re looking for or EVER going to be with. cause if i were, then we would already be together. and probably would have been a long time ago. but still, no one understands us really, idt. i don’t even think i completely do. all i know is that i really truly and honestly cannot ever see my life without you and i don’t want to have to. i’ve never felt the way i do about anyone else in the world and it’s sad to think that even that is not enough. nothing i could ever do will make you go back to that same little sweetheart who liked me last thanksgiving and was constantly complimenting me and sending me nice things and wanted to marry me and adopt chinese kids and called that house ours and made me completely fall for him without ever even knowing it. i miss that kid, if you find him - me and him could have something special. even more special than this amazing best friends thing we have now. i just wish you’d let me break you down. talk to you. find out what’s going on inside that mind of yours. if you’re scared, or don’t like feeling helpless or just flat out mean. you have to let go sometime. you are eventually going to have to let down your wall and i want to be the one to break it down. like, you think i’m not scared of how i feel? it’s terrifying to know that one person controls how every day you have is and it’s scary to give someone the power to hurt you or make you so happy and have to trust that they won’t and forgive them when they do. it terrifies me to think that you mean so much to me and it terrifies me to think about losing you, but idk. i just don’t knowwwwwwwwww. i’m just getting so tired of this waiting, more than friends one day, sorry charlie the next, wondering if you’re talking to other people and saying the same nice things you used to say to me, wondering if when you’re with me you’d rather be with someone else, feeling like i’m a burden or annoyance to you when i want to talk or text you a novel or just want a hug. someone who likes you like you tell me and have told me that you do, shouldn’t make you feel like that. they should make you feel beautiful and special and like they want to be around you and stuff. really, i can count on one hand how many times you’ve complimented me in the past probably like 3 months. you don’t even give em when i hint. like seriously, no wonder i’m so insecure. because it doesn’t matter if every single human being on this earth tells me that i am the most beautiful person that they have ever seen - if i don’t hear it from you, then i will not believe that it’s true. why? because you’re the only one that i want to think i’m beautiful or funny or amazing. i don’t care if everyone else does, if you don’t - then i don’t. you’re the only one i really want to think that. and i just can’t do anything to make you think that. which just shows that i’m really not what you’re looking for. and i can’t make myself be, ever. this is what i am. i’m just best friend material, always. and no matter how many others may like me, if they aren’t you, then i’m not satisfied. i’ve been told not to settle. but honestly, if i didn’t have you, i would be settling. but then again, if i did - i would be settling too. settling for less than what i want to believe i deserve. someone who makes me feel like a princess. who tells me i’m beautiful, and really thinks that i am. that sends me good morning and good night and makes me believe that i’m worth something and that i’m special. but if its not from you, i’m not going to believe it anyway. so it’s kind of a lose lose situation. and you can say its just not you to be sweet and lovable and stuff, but i’ve seen it, read it, and i know you’re capable. you just don’t want to. it’s like the more you’re with me, the less you like me, and the more i’m with you, the more i like you. it just sucks. i hate seeing everyone else and just wishing i had that. yet i love what we do have, because i know you love me as a best friend and i know you do care about me. maybe not near as much as i do you - but you do. and it’s like, that’s enough for me. i just wish you’d read these one day. 1:13 definitely going to be cranky in the morning. definitely going to fail this chemistry quiz. definitely have to sleep.

Why does Facebook bother giving the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I’m fucking hilarious.

If you’re planning to lie to me, then make sure I don’t find out the truth.

It takes just one person to make you feel beautiful. They show you that it’s okay to let your guard down; that it’s okay to be yourself. Everyone needs someone that makes them feel special and I hope that someone is you.

Forget about all the reasons why something may not work. What you only need to do is find one good reason why it will.

so how exactly is it that you go from being lovable one day when we hang out to entirely stand offish the next? i don’t understand that. do you just pick days to like me, or pick days to pretend to, or what? why only when it’s convenient for you. i know you don’t feel the same way i do, i know you don’t really care about what i have to say, and i know that you don’t have feelings for me like i do you, or really want to be with me. you only say you do when you get scared. but then you act like you expect me to talk to you all the time and tell you everything i do and stuff just like i expect you to do, yet you don’t want to be with me. you just don’t want anyone else to either. but you’re just not like the rest. and you’re not just sitting around waiting like me. i feel like you’d go out with someone else if given the chance, heck - you told me that you would, pretty much. that incident just really took a toll on me. but it’s like, i feel like i have to. and i mean, i want to. i don’t want anything else. i’m satisfied with what i have and i know if either of us went on and had a relationship with someone else, we would never be the same. never be as close. it just would mess us up. and then, i would never want to hurt you - ever. and i feel like maybe somewhere deep down, that would….. or you’d just be relieved. yanno, whatever. lolol.

Its hard getting up early to decide what to wear for you. Its hard putting on make-up every single day. It’s hard to always try to get your attention. Show me that you’re worth it. Just notice me once in a while

winter makes me wish

i had someone to cuddle with. :(

happy thought.
you are somebody’s reason to smile.
you are somebody’s happiness.

each day is different, a new battle begun,
but Christ paid the death… so you already won.

time doesn’t heal you when
you’re not ready to move on.

the best thing you can do sometimes for someone
is to just exist. to be there when they suddenly
realize that they need you right then.

how does it feel to be unnoticed by the person
you notice most? it’s as if you’re offering your
most beautiful portrait to a blind person.

I love your eyes but I love mine more.
because without my eyes, I can’t see yours.

if you’re the luckiest person on this entire planet,
the person you love decides to love you back.

just once i want someone to look at me
and right away & think i was beautiful.
not after they get to know me, or after
they see inside my soul. just me.

this is what i call mammaw candy. she used to get the same kind every year at christmas. :)

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

sometimes i wonder

if rap lovers even realize what they’re listening to. some of the stuff they say. and most of it doesn’t even make sense. i’m js.

then again, some of the stuff i listen to is pretty depressing. so more power to ya i suppose.

daddy… i want a squirrel.

so how come your mind goes into overdrive at night and you all of a sudden get super hungry and everything you do becomes so loud when people are trying to sleep and then if you’re sick and night rolls around….well  you’re just doomed. :|

Stop trying to understand how she feels. Chances are you’ll never understand how much she truly loves you. How everything she does is for you. How every night she lies in bed thinking of only you. Because, you’ll never understand, because you honestly don’t care.

look at the stars. they’re the same stars as last week, last year. same as when we were kids, when we weren’t even born. in 100 years no one will ever know who we were, but they’ll know those same stars.

if “plan A” doesn’t work out, don’t worry, you still have 25 letters left

You know when I realized I loved him? It was when I realized that anything that ever happened, good or bad, I wanted to tell him about. He was the first person I wanted to know, and I couldn’t wait to tell him, and talk to him, and listen to him and it’s like I love learning new things every time I talk to him.

You are exactly who you want to be. Otherwise you’d change. - Hayley Williams

i’m never going to get all of my pictures put on here if i don’t quit saving more. dang it. lol.

Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.
-winnie the pooh

Let’s play a game. I’ll keep you guessing and you’ll never win. Yeah, games are supposed to be your thing, but I’ve been practicing.

i have no life.

and i’m sick. sooooo.

so i just really really really want someone who just wants to be with me. like, someone who will just come cuddle with me and watch movies cause i don’t feel good, or even just a best friend who will be like let’s go do something if you’re bored, when i’m just sitting here. i wish i could drive. i don’t wanna be last option, even if i do make other people that sometimes. it sucks. i suck.

Cacophobia - Fear of ugliness.

Didaskaleinophobia, Scolionophobia - Fear of going to school.

Coimetrophobia - Fear of cemeteries.

Didaskaleinophobia, Scolionophobia - Fear of going to school.

Emetophobia - Fear of vomiting.

Ermitophobia - Fear of being alone, loneliness

<333333 ^

Glossophobia - Fear of speaking in public or of trying to speak.

Gerascophobia - Fear of growing old

adam lambert is dead sexy. too bad he’s gay, right?

and he can “sangggg”