so we got snow in march.
and it has completely screwed up my internet and it works for two minutes then stops for 5. it’s so wonderful. so i’m probably gonna do all this for it to not even post. :|
but anyways -
Stop falling in love with everything that lets you down, even if your hands
are shaking and your faith is broken, even as the eyes are closing, do it
with a heart wide open. Say what you need to say.
As we drifted apart, I was becoming more desperate to save what we once had shared; like a vicious circle, however, my desperation made us drift apart even further.
This is for every time you built me up just to make me cry. This is for all those things you said that turned out to be a lie. This is for every day I spent alone and I couldn’t get out of bed. This is for every night I couldn’t sleep cause you were in my head. This is for every promise you made and then later on you broke. This is for all the lies behind every word you spoke. This is for every time you brought me down and made me feel like dirt. This is for the way I feel every time I see you with her. This is for all this time I kept my stupid dream. This is for all the signs I knew I should have seen. This is for missing you every time I’m having fun. This is for loving you, despite everything you’ve done.
None of your scars can make me love you less.
In love, never put yourself in the situation where you are not sure where you stand in someone’s life. Never expect, never assume. So that if they choose to drop you, you have enough strength to move on.
Over the course of a lifetime, you meet a lot of people.
Some of the stick with you through thick and thin.
Some weave their way in your life and disappear.
But once in a while, someone comes along who
ears a permanent place in your heart.
When you start to really know someone, all his physical characteristics
start to disappear. You begin to dwell in his energy, recognize the scent of
his skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell. That’s why
you can’t fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it,
want to own it. You can love it with your eyes & your body but not your heart.
And that’s why, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, any
physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant.
Never give up on someone you can’t go a day without thinking about.
I think the best part is reaching that point of your relationship where everyday
feels the same and that you don’t have to worry about anything changing.
You’ll still wake up to the same sleepy face and still be encapsulated by the
warmth of the same awkward limbs, and still be able to share the same silly
comments and thoughts and faces that only you two understand. I know it sounds
repetitive and boring and is just a pattern that some can’t break, but I think it’s
the most comforting in the world because some people can never reach that
point and I think it means a lot when you do. It’s letting someone see and be
with you in a way that no one else could. That’s what makes it so special.
sometimes i think you like to see just how much you can hurt me, and how much i’ll take.
do you ever just have those days where absolutely nothing in the world is right? like nothing you can do makes you feel better. you can’t cry, you can’t sleep it off, you can’t do anything because nothing works and you just want to scream. like scream to the top of your lungs and grit your teeth and run away just run until you get away from everything and everyone. and you don’t want to talk to anyone because you know that they really don’t care. you’re an annoyance to them, they don’t know what to say, and they have problems of their own so you don’t want to be a burden to them. my daddy is gone. the one person i would want to talk to doesn’t want to hear it, know what to say, or even care really. and then the other person i would want to talk to lives a billion and twelve miles away. it’s just one of those days where i’m like really, i have no friends. i’ve limited myself to like two people and they both have plenty of other people. i just don’t understand how the most fake and mean people have tons of friends and little me here cares so deeply about everyone and loves everyone with my all and i have like no one. that’s the most unfair thing ever i think. like i’m not one of the fake people who would throw you under the bus if it meant my own gain in a heartbeat. but my school is so full of those people. it’s disgusting how heartless and cold people are. i just don’t see how people just don’t care. like how can you know someone is hurting and not want to make them feel better or just, idk. how can you claim to have feelings for someone and not just want to hug them and kiss them and be with them and do little things just to make them happy and see them smile. i just need to understand that not everyone is like me and that the people who aren’t like me are so much better off. i wish that i could learn to be a little colder but i just can’t. even if i try. i get sick at the thought of so much. i feel like death currently just because i worry SO MUCH about the future it’s like, i can’t even enjoy the present. like, i say that i trust people too easily, but i don’t think that i really trust anyone. like i feel like i truly have no one that doesn’t talk about me behind my back. i hate talking to people when i know they’re with someone else becuase i feel like they’re making fun of everything i say. i feel like i talk to much and i get on everyone’s nerves. i feel like i’m a downer and everyone gets sick of hearing how much i don’t like myself or all that i complain about. but the truth is, i really don’t do it for attention. like that’s just how i see myself. and i just don’t even understand how you can find the good in everyone else and compliment them and stuff but find no good in me whatsoever at all. i feel like everyone is two-faced. even some of my family. although i know that some of them aren’t, and some of them care just a little too much, giving everyone the impression that i’ve completely turned on God, which is not at all the case. i love my family, but i hate hate hate going to my mammaws anymore. i can’t do it without bawling because i know that my dad isn’t there and will never be again and i cannot even explain to you the kind of pain that you feel knowing that someone you love so much and someone who truly and honestly saw ONLY good in you and geniunely though that you were a near perfect person isn’t there anymore and will never be again and like, knowing that you’ll never see them again is just the worst feeling ever. it’s totaly different from missing someone who is alive. i miss plenty of people, but i know that if i really wanted to, i could call them or go see them or get a hold of them in some way and i know that they’re doing okay, but when you are forced to miss someone that you can never ever see again on this earth, it’s the hardest thing i’ve ever done. i couldn’t explain the feeling to anyone. it’s such a deep hurt that my heart LITERALLY aches when i think about it and i can’t help to when i go to my mammaws because there’s just something missing and that’s all they talk about anymore and i just have a hard time dealing with it. that’s why i don’t get inconsiderate people. like, i know what it feels like to hurt and i want to be someone who people know is there no matter what, although i’m obviously not considering no one really wants to get close to me? but that’s a good thing, cause lord knows when i get attached i REALLY get attached and when i lose them it’s just like torture. so maybe he’s just trying to protect me from that. idk. i just know that i could have just this one person to hang out with all the time and be satisfied and i don’t think that it should be that way because that feeling isn’t mutual. i just want to know that someone (other than like, my wonderful mommie) cares about me as much as i care about them. like i don’t think that i will ever find anyone who wants everything that i am and accepts me, insecurities and all. i don’t think that i’ll ever find anyone who thinks everything that i am is beautiful. i think that i’ll push everyone away cause i’ll freak them out trying to hold on to them so close because i am TERRIFIED of losing people. i just care so much for so many people, like i would die for them, and i don’t feel like anyone would do the same for me. like i know there are plenty of people who really care about me, yes. i know i have a lot of people that love me, but i want to find someone who would be willing to go out of their way to make me happy, someone who would give up something they loved for me, just really cared enough to want to listen to my problems and be there for me. like someone who saw good in me and beauty in me and forced me to see it too. just someone who really loves me i guess. i think plenty of people may like me, but i feel like after they really get to know me, they’re all gonna leave me because none of them want to put up with me and all of my craziness. like my constant thinking and overanalyzing and jealousy and insecurities and problems and how sensitive i am. and i guess that’s why the few true friends i do have i try to hold on to so tightly and i get so so scared when they hang with other people because i feel like they’re going to drop me and i’m going to lose them to someone else and then really have no one and i just get like obsessive and completely stupid and worry myself sick over nothing and things that will probably never even happen. and i don’t trust anyone’s thoughts because i feel like there’s an alterior motive to everyone’s kindness. like most of the time i feel like when people compliment me they’re actually making fun of me or are thinking in their mind that someone else is better at that or would look better in that and i feel like idek. it’s like i’m forced to realize that people like me if they keep wanting to hang out with me, but then i feel like i just annoy them and like they would be happier if i’d just stop trying. i feel like they hang out with me because they feel like they have to, and that if they don’t i’d just be annoying to them about why they don’t want to. and i feel like if i lost certain people in my life, it would devastate me and really change me forever. like i seriously feel like i need people. i feel like i really could not be happy without them. like i can’t even imagine or think about not having them, but i feel like i am completely dispensable to them. like i could die tomorrow and they would grieve and be upset for a little while and then get over it and go on like i was never even a part of their lives. i feel like they’d find new friends and just be completely fine without me. which i guess that’s how it should be, but of course i’m not like that. like idek, i guess i would eventually get over losing people, i guess you have to. i know that i could exist, even without certain people, but i don’t think i could really live. i think i would always remember them and always feel the hurt of them being gone. but i mean, i’ve lost people that i thought i never ever would before and i am perfectly fine and don’t even really miss them all the time or anything, and i never thought i would be okay without them and i am. but i just really feel like it’s different. like this one person really is such an important person in my life and has made such an impact and i’ve never felt the way i do about anyone else and i don’t think i could ever replace them or get over losing them. but i mean, i’m like that with a lot of people. but i feel like life is just unfair and you lose everyone. so maybe it’s good to be cold hearted and shallow. sure, you might seem terrible, but you’re better off in the long run and you don’t get hurt i guess. but then in a way, i think i’d rather get hurt and upset and actually let myself have feelings for people and stuff than have no feelings at all. i don’t think you can really love people if you just shut everyone out. so in a way it’s good that i am like i am, and in a way it’s bad. like i really feel, and i really care, and if i love you, i really love you. and i think that people will remember that about me when i’m gone and that’s really what i want. but then again it kinda sucks at the current time. i just open up to way too many people and think that they care. and it’s a relief when you find someone who actually does. and believe it or not, there are a few out there. i just wish everyone would let themselves feel the way i do about people. like i wish people would see things the way i do and have feelings and thoughts like me just for a little while so they would be more sensitive to people like me. and besides, i think it’s kind of an amazing thing to see people the way i do and love them like i do. it’s a good feeling sometimes. i love when people feel like they can open up to me and i’ll listen. i love when people feel like they can trust me. cause then i feel like i can do the same with them and it feels amazing to know that you have someone like that. i just want to know that i am someone’s first choice. like i’m the one that they would choose over anyone to be with or hangout with or come to with their problems or anything. uhm, blah blah blah blah blah. i’m done. and i love adele. :)
i hate winter.
and now i hate christmas too.
worst week of my entire life.
lost my daddy on christmas eve.
i just want to fall in love. i want to have someone to help me through all this. someone to just lay with me and pet me and kiss my forehead and tell me it will be okay.
other than my mom, and the rest of my family. i just want someone to occupy all of my time. and to actually want to. winter makes lonely people feel even more alone. blah.
i sang amazing grace at my daddy’s funeral. and i stayed strong through the whole thing. very proud of myself.
people just annoy me anymore. like my new feed on facebook LITERALLY makes me angry. people are so dumb. so dumb and immature.
MY COUSIN GOT ME THESE FOR CHRISTMAS. cannot wait to get them in the mail. :)
i would give anything to go back to disney and visit my florida best friend. he’s been so nice and stuff through this stuff with my daddy.
i’m just typing what i want in between these cause i don’t feel like looking for quotes.
new years was good, but kinda sucked as well. don’t wanna start a new year without my daddy. and i want someone to drink hot chocolate or whatever that crap in that picture is, with me and hold me. blah for not having a new years kiss, or a valentine, or anyone who wants to be that for me. :|
i gotta tamagotchi and crayons too. such a little kid. :)
AND A SOCK MONKEY!!!! i’ve wanted one my whole life. yeah, my best friend is pretty alright sometimes. lol.
i look like a different person and am so so ugly without makeup dude, seriously.
i am in love.
with burlesque. christina aguilera’s voice amazes me.
cher was killer too. got the chills and all. :)
there is some hurt that we just never get over. and we tell ourselves that in time,
we’ll get better. but you know, hurt just hurts.
mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them.
i think part of the reason why we hold onto something so tight for so long is because we fear something so great will never happen twice.
it’s crazy how you think you actually meant something to someone, and they just turn around and prove you wrong.
the worse thing is caring about someone, wondering how they are & what they’re up to
when the truth is they’ve stopped wondering about you a long time ago.
the key is to trust people to be who they are. instead, we trust who we want them to be, & when they aren’t, we cry.
if we could sum up all the causes of hurt, pain, and hatred in one word, it would be ‘expectations’.
life’s like a piano. the white keys represent happiness, & the black keys show sadness.
but as you go through your life’s journey, remember that the black keys make music too.
move on. it’s just a chapter in the past. but don’t close the book, just turn the page
i know that i should just let go, walk away, & not look back.
but, i don’t think i could handle knowing that you wouldn’t care if i did.