the world is always ready to receive talent with open arms.

my fortune from chinese. anywaysssss though - i’ve been sleeping so much lately i haven’t written out all my feelings, but i’ve had them all. i’ve just made a list of all that i want to talk about.

First of all, i’m guessing love is in the air considering every time i hit home on facebook two new people are in a relationship and i’m all, seriously guys - come on. forever alone here. and it’s just depressing that everyone is finding someone and i’m just like…. that’s cool, i’ll just sit here and uhm, sleep.

secondly, when all these girls do find these guys, WHERE do they find amazing ones who like just look at them with these eyes that just show that they like reallllly love them, like they’ll do anything for them, wait on them hand and foot, are COMPLETELY whipped, and even if they aren’t getting any. and i’m like, HELLO - what did you do to deserve someone SO amazing like that when i have the biggest heart in the universe and i can’t get anyone to like me, ever. like no one that i’d want to anyways. i don’t get it. like how do all these cold people who don’t even TRY to make people like them have SO many friends when i worry myself half to death over people liking me, yet no one does? i don’t much get it. but whatever, yanno. i’m starting to feel like, if people want to be a part of my life, then they’ll make a point to be in it and i’m gonna stop trying to force people to hang out with me. like they obviously could care less if they lose me, so why should i tear myself up about making them stay? they’re going to end up with who they really want to be with anyways and obviously that sure isn’t me, so that’s fine. i’ll just do something else. i guess it’s just that i hate thinking that anyone could ever know you as well as i do or anyone could take my place in your life since no one could ever take yours in mine, but i am completely indispensable to you, and i have to realize that and just make myself stop being so damn pathetic and psycho crazy and upset and just be like look, you lose people, you can’t keep them close if they don’t want to be, and you just gotta deal with it and not let it ruin you. like there is nothing else you can do. so this turned into something else completely but that’s okay, i’m gonna just keep going. so i’m glad that i can tell you how i feel about everything and you can ignore it and not reply and then rub the fact that you’re spending all weekend with her in my face even after that and it not bother you one bit. like i get that you don’t like me anymore and that’s fine, but not even a best friend likes to see you hurt and you KNOW stuff that you say hurts me but you do it anyways. and you say that you don’t mean to but if you didn’t mean to you wouldn’t do it and then laugh when i get all paranoid about it. i get that you have other friends and that’s fine, hang out with other people. but it’s the fact that it seems like you seriously grow more tired of me every single day. like you hate me a little more daily and you grow more fond of them. like you act like it’s nothing at all to you to not hang out with me or barely even TALK to me all week when it kills me and that just really is not fair. we are absolutely nothing like we used to be. you used to care for me so much and you used to tell me everything. what you were doing what you wanted to do, and you wanted to be with me and you wanted to talk to me and tell me good morning and good night and how much you loved me. like it’s written ALL over everything in my room. i can count 15 things that say it just sitting here. like you wanted me to know and now i can’t even remember the last time that you said it first. you used to tell me that i was beautiful and stuff and now i can’t even remember the last time that you even complimented me. you think its so funny to insult me and see me get worked up over it but you don’t realize that i think about it for forever afterwards and some things really do hurt me. and i tell you things that bother me thinking you’ll be sensitive enough to my feelings to maybe not bring up things anymore but it’s like you only do more. you know it bothers me that you don’t tell me how you feel and that you don’t reply to me over serious things and you ignore all my feelings and mention people and you do it anyways for that very reason it seems. i don’t know when everything changed for you, but it didn’t for me. so then that leaves me just stuck looking like a loser. but i’m starting to see things differently because i finally am realizing how stupid that i look for just i don’t know, taking it all. just being like, well - maybe one day he’ll realize that he really does like me and care about me, maybe one day he’ll start to miss me and then feel the same again.  but let’s get real, you’re not. like i feel like you don’t even want to be as close of friends anymore or anything because i think you’re afraid that i’ll get the wrong impression or something. no, i know you don’t like me. like, i’m pretty sure you’ve made that clear. and you’ve been making it very very clear lately who you would rather be hanging out with. but don’t lie to me about anything because that just makes it worse. like i know you say you don’t like her, and hey, maybe you don’t - but yanno, just judging by the way things look here, wouldn’t you think the same? i mean, i feel like if it were me, i couldn’t get you to go to my games for anything in the world. i can’t get you to go to my performances so idk, i just don’t understand what’s so special about these people. i mean i didn’t even think so and so liked so and so or you liked so and so or you liked this or that. it’s like i feel like they’re getting to know a different you and i’m just losing you and can’t do anything about it. and then when i tell you that, you say nothing to it. nothing at all. so do you understand why that i’m so insecure and so paranoid about losing you? it’s because you know how i feel, and you give me no reason to believe that i’m not. actually, you just gave me MORE reason to believe that i am. and it doesn’t even bother you is the thing. like if i knew you felt that way, i would do everything in my power to keep you from feeling that way. if i knew you were insecure about something about yourself, i’d try to make you feel better about it, not worse. i think that you like her more BECAUSE of her lack of emotion, i think it scares the hell out of you to think that i actually really care for you, so i guess you’re going to try to push me away and find something that makes you feel less, asks less of you emotionally wise. idk. i don’t understand you sometimes. i just don’t know when everything changed for you because it didn’t for me. but i think it’s starting to. i’m just realizing that like, i can’t MAKE you stay closest to me, no matter what i do, if it’s not what you want. and that’s okay. i mean, as long as we’re friends still, i’m good. i’ve told you that countless times. and you know that i love you and i always will and i’ll always be here for you, but i just can’t take like being sad all the time and letting it ruin my day that you don’t ever want to talk to me like you used to or come up and do things or go places or just hang with me. like i’ve just got to do the same. but it’s just not fair that you do things that if i did, would completely make you so mad. and you know it would. and you know that deep down it would probably really bother you if i chose someone else over you. like, you know if you always felt like my second choice, that it would bother you. and that’s just on a friendly level. but that’s the thing, you take SO SO SO much advantage of the fact that you ARE NEVER second choice to me. like you know good and well i would pick hanging with you over anyone else in this world and that i’ll just not do anything if it means that i may get to hang out with you. you know that i always put you first so you never have to worry about it. like you take advantage of how much that i love you and care for you because you know that no matter what you do or say, i’m still going to feel the same and you know i can’t stand us being mad at each other and you know how afraid i am of not talking so you know i’ll just let things go and just go on and never stay mad over anything because i’m afraid that if i make you mad that you’ll stay that way. and i also know that the things that i do get mad over, i really have no right to because we’re not together or even talking or anything more than friends i don’t guess so it’s like even when i get mad i have to stop myself because that’s not something that i have the right to get mad about. like you not telling me what you’re doing, you shouldn’t have to, sooooo - i’m wrong in that. that’s why when people are all like “i’d be so mad” and stuff, i can’t be. i have no right. but still, when you hold my hand and argue with me and just know me so well and tell me you’ll help me achieve my life goals and stuff it’s hard for me to be like oh, he feels nothing for me. but then in the same evening you’ll be completely stand offish. it’s just a roller coaster. that’s why i really want to know how you feel about me, but i’m so scared to ask because i really know that the answers to the questions that i ask would not be what i want them to be and why upset myself like that when i don’t have to. like i know the answers to all the questions already for myself, so why ask them. but the thing is, if you do have feelings for me at all, telling me doesn’t mean we have to jump into no relationship or anything. i mean, you used to tell me how you felt about me all the time and it changed nothing. it just made me a heck of a lot happier and more secure. like you need to let me know things. i’m your best friend, or at least i like to think that i am, even if i don’t feel like i really am the one you tell the most to like currently, even if i completely feel replaced by other people, i still am your best friend, and you’re supposed to tell your best friend everything. who you like, how you feel, what’s going on in your life, just everything. and i can handle it. like you can tell me whatever. i’m a big girl. i just want to know. i just want to see some kind of emotion come from you. like i want to know what scares you so badly about love. like why are you so against it, why are you so afraid to let yourself really fall for someone? not everyone is like the first, not everyone is going to leave you. and no, i’m not talking about just me. i mean i know you’ve liked plenty of people, but i think you try to like the ones that you don’t expect will like you back, then when they do, you get all chicken and run and push them away. do you know what you could be missing out on by doing that? you could already have something SO wonderful. someone who loves you and cares for you so much that they would die for you in a heartbeat, but you’re like scared of it. you like someone until they like you back then you don’t know what to do anymore so you just stop. but you expect them to be ready when you finally are and honestly, no one is going to wait FOREVER. i mean, if you really think you could have something good, i believe people will wait quite a while, even when everyone else says its too long, because they believe in love and that it will happen and sometimes they’re right and i’m a firm believer in that, but there is no one on this earth that can just sit and let the one they want to be with that “may” want to be with them eventually, go and test their waters and see what all is out there and then realize what they had in the first place and go back to them and expect them to still be there just waiting, however long it takes. that’s not fair and it’s not right. so many people don’t realize what they have until its gone and then its too late and they have missed out on something that could have been amazing. i mean, i do believe that if it’s really meant to be that two people will end up together regardless. they’ll find a way if they really love each other. but that’s the thing, i think that they have to love each other first. if you run from it, and never let yourself love them or care for them, then it’s not going to bother you any to lose them and you’re gonna miss out on that and probably settle for so much less. I mean you can find a billion people who are going to like you and they’re going to be what you think you want and tickle your fancy for a little while but you’ve got to look deeper, like i guess that’s why i don’t like many people and it takes me so long to fall for people because i have to really know you before i can “like” you. i have to know you first and trust you first and feel like you’re someone i’m going to want to have in my life forever. which is why when i get attached, i attach my whole heart to yours, (which btw is NOT good when you lose people) but its like, i love how i do things. i love that i’m not a normal 17 year old girl in that aspect because i actually take the time to learn the person, i look for the one who knows how to handle my craziness and will, and will still love me, the one who wants to talk to me even when i don’t give them a chance to respond because i never shut up, someone who listens to me complain and just tells me to calm down and lines me out when i need it, someone who really knows me and knows all of my flaws and sees all of my mess ups and still accepts me, puts up with me when they really don’t have to, makes me laugh when i don’t want to smile, pushes my buttons and makes me mad and puts me on edge just to make me do better, argues with me but can turn around and tell me that they love me in the same breath, someone who deals with my childish ideals and makes plans with me even if they’re the stupidest things ever that i want to do, like i have to know you and trust you first, i actually get to know someone before i’ll let myself fall for them. so it’s like, i realize what i have, and honestly, its an honor for me to like you, not that i’m anything special or any like “trophy” to obtain, but obviously i think that you are if i’m willing to waste so much of my life caring for you. i take the good with the bad and i accept you for what you are. i put up with all the bad habits you may have and i honestly try to make you the best person that you can be, because i truthfully CARE about your future and your well being, even if i’m not going to be in it. i wish everyone were like that. i wish that everyone would stop being so two-faced and immature and just stop playing around with everyone’s emotions and start trying to read their own. i’m proud to say that my hormones do not control me, my heart does. everyone needs to be like that. say that i’m wasting my youth, say that high school is all about dating a bunch of people so you know when you have the right one, say i’ve wasted too much time on people, say that i’ll regret it, say what you will - but when i’m happily married and i have something amazing and all you have is something to keep you from being lonely for the night, you’ll see. as long as i find my right one, i will be fine. i will never regret not being with a bunch of people in high school because once i have the love of my life, what will any of that matter? it won’t. i wouldn’t even remember it. like i just can’t wait until people grow up and start seeing things through the same eyes as i do. it may suck now since everyone automatically thinks that you’re crazy and weird and they automatically write you off because they know they don’t have a chance with you more than likely because of how particular you are - but in the long run, i think i’ll have my fairytale and i believe that i’ll be okay. i’ll be happy and in love and okay. i think that the lord will make sure of that. and honestly i’d love to think that it’s someone i already know, because i have a hard time thinking that the person i am going to grow old with could not know me. like someone that i’m going to be with for forever had missed out on 17 years of my life, idk - its weird for me to think about, but i don’t know what God has in store, i mean, i don’t even know how long i’ll live, but i know what whatever, or whoever it is, he’s going to be so great. because i think that good things come to those who wait, and i’m more than willing to wait, i just don’t want to settle. i want to get to the point to where i honestly feel like i deserve the best. right now i only feel like i deserve so much, like that i will never be able to find anything better so i better take the best thing i can find, but to me, that is the best thing. so i think that’s what i need. but ultimately, God is the only one who knows what’s right for me. so i just have to trust in him and just pray about it. and i’m only 16 years old, i know i have so much time - but i just want it now. but like i said, i think the best things come to those who wait. my mom didn’t find true love until she was 45 years old, and they have more battles than probably most do, but you can tell by the way that they look at each other how much they’re in love. you can tell by how easily they can hurt each other what they mean to each other. that’s why they argue so much. but it just makes it better. lets me see that no love is perfect but if you work at it, it will stay and it will grow, it just helps me believe that true love is real and makes me so excited for it. but look, they went to school together forever and were friends and never expected anything more. he asked my mom out many times and she never would give him a chance, so she found what she thought was love in two other people and was tortured for years because of it, and you know, if she would have taken the chance, she may have been able to avoid all that. OF COURSE, there was a reason that things didn’t happen that way i suppose, reason being the one typing this - but honestly, had they gotten together i never would have been thought of, but she never would have been abused, so i kind of wish she would have found him sooner. but i was “destined to be” as my mom says, because there’s no way that i should have ever even been able to have been conceived, but i was. and i’m here and honestly, my brother and i have been what has kept my mom here before. she needed me, so God sent me to her. she and my dad both used to say that they don’t know what they did to deserve it, but God blessed them with an angel, and before my dad died my mom talked to me for hours one night when he was in the hospital and told me how that God sent me to her to save her life, and that not only did i save hers, but i saved my dads as well by not giving up on him until he gave his soul to the Lord so he could go to heaven and live forever. Like i don’t remember it, but my mom said when i was little, before i had ever been taught things in church i would describe heaven to then and bed them to go with me and that i would lay hands on people and animals and the Lord would heal them. i even asked a boy at my school not too long ago if he remembered me laying hands on his dog and it getting healed of parvo and he did, he told the story back to me and it just amazed me that he remembered that, and that it meant something to him. and all the way up til dad died he looked to me for strength when it came to praying and stuff, he’d always ask me to, because he always thought i was this perfect angel, and even the other day my grandma, and his mom, told me that i was her little angel. i just wish that i were as amazing as my family thinks that i am. i wish that i were a better example of what an “angel” should be, i really have no power, i’m nothing special, God just hears my prayers, but he hears everyone else’s as well. i just wish i could go back to being little for a little bit. i wish that i could take with me that pureness and innocence and that crazy desire that i had to go to church and sing in church and get everyone around me saved. i was in grade school standing in EVERY SINGLE time that they asked if anybody had lost family members they wanted to pray for, i was right there for my daddy, and it may have taken persistence to get him to stop smoking, to get him to walk away from fights, or to get him to get saved, but i never gave up hope and he did, it took until i was 16 years old and he was very ill, but he did it, and that’s all that matters, so i would do it all over again, whatever it would take to save his soul. i just thank God that it’s never too late and he can forgive you of anything. I can’t wait to see my dad again. but i feel like i need to change and do better in order to do so. everyone thinks the opposite, thinks that my dad’s death drove me more away from God, but it didn’t. if anything it suppressed any doubt i had of miracles or answered prayers. just because God doesn’t answer a prayer when you want or when you think that he should, doesn’t mean he’s not going to at all. just never give up.   but anyways, i got way off track there. so back to my mom - things have a way of working themselves out, and i suppose that it only makes her appreciate my step dad more. i KNOW it makes me appreciate him more. but the moral of the story is that you can’t run from love forever because success and happiness is NOTHING without someone to share it with. i don’t care what you say. and you can be afraid to fall, that’s fine. that’s normal, and it’s gonna be hard when you do find someone, idc who it is, you’ll argue and fight and thing will change but if you really love them and you have the will to make it work, then it will, as long as the other person feels the same. and it will only make you all stronger, but you have to work at it. you can’t get scared at the first sight of trouble and get afraid of getting hurt and run. no. you’re gonna get hurt always but you need to figure out who’s worth it. obviously i think that having you in my life is worth getting hurt a little over, from a friend aspect and more, because let’s be honest, you can’t say that we’ve only been friends, otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten mad when i hung out with other people or talked to other people who were interested, you wouldn’t have told me how you felt so much, you wouldn’t hold my hands the way you do and let me be such a big part of your life, and i wouldn’t do the same. i wouldn’t look at you the way i do, i wouldn’t take a bullet for you, and i sure as heck wouldn’t be rambling on with all of this right now over “just a friend” and nothing more. not saying there’s more there now for you, just saying there was, and for me there still is, but don’t freak - it will fade eventually. but i think i build myself up too much and i tell myself that like you know me sooo well and when you say things make you think of me and you think “destiny would love this” and stuff i’m like aw, he must think of me all the time, and it’s like, i like to think that you know me so well all on your own and you remember and pick up on things about me all on your own, but what i need to realize is that i’m nothing special to you, i’m sure if i asked you any of the same questions about the other people you’re best friends with, you could tell me everything about them too. and i’m sure when you see things that remind you of them you’re like “oh, so and so would love this” like, i try to make myself believe that you care so much and that you think about me so much and stuff when i’m just lying to myself because i’m just the same to you as everyone else. all of your other friends, i’m just another one. i don’t really think that i’m that “special” best friend to anyone. like, everyone has that one person who they’re closest to and they just tell everything to and are constantly talking to and where you can find one you can find the other and stuff and i used to be that for different people, but i’m just not for anyone anymore. like it’s like everyone’s just finding all these new people and i’m just not. like no one else wants to have me as a best friend. and it’s my own fault for trying to hard and pushing people away with my like obsessiveness. it’s ridiculous but i really don’t know how to stop it. that’s why i have this thing. so that i can just spill all my thoughts and not look crazy. but then again i’m dumb enough to give it to people to look at which just makes me look even more psycho. but whatever. i just feel like that friend that everyone hangs out with and loves to her face, then they get behind her back and are like oh my gosh she is so annoying like i don’t want to hang out with her or constantly talk to her but she just doesn’t get the point and keeps texting me and making plans and i feel like i ruin everyone’s time and that no one actually has a good time when they’re with me. i feel like everyone would rather be with someone else. like everyone would have more fun with someone else. and i just feel like i’m the reason that they can’t. like i’m holding them back from where they really want to be. like i really feel like such a burden to some people. and it’s not like they make me feel like i’m not. they might as well just agree. i just need to be reassured of how everyone feels about me and i hate that about myself. i don’t know. i hate my emotions. i hate the way i am. i hate feeling like i cannot trust ANYONE. like everyone’s lying to me just to appease me or keep me from going psycho or crying. it’s a terribly feeling really. it’s so miserable having a mind that never ever stops. it’s so miserable wanting love so so so bad and never finding it or even allowing yourself to try. it’s miserable being stuck in the past and hating change. it’s miserable thinking about your dead dad every single day and hearing him and seeing him in your mind and not being able to hug him. it’s miserable constantly questioning how everyone around you feels about you or sees you. you have no idea. i don’t think anyone has any idea how i feel so much of the time. no, i’m not depressed, i have God and i’m really not, even though i sound it when i let out all my inner emotional crap like this, and don’t get me wrong, i have plenty of people that love me and worry about me and want the best for me, but still yet i just don’t feel complete i don’t guess. i think i would if i were a better christian and i have no excuse for not being better, i’m just not. that’s sad too. being a disappointment to yourself. like i could do so much better in church, so much better in school, and i could already be driving and just making so much more of myself, but i’d rather be lazy and sleep and barely get by and idk. i’ve just not been happy with myself this year. it’s just not good. but, moving on from all that junk - just gonna say that i think i’m done being how i am and i think that’s what you’re going for. i think i’m going to accept things and change the way i think about things and how much i let things bother me. and i know its still going to, but if i pretend it doesn’t enough then eventually it won’t. and i so mess myself up and give myself the short end of the stick by always expressing how i feel about everything, but i just can’t keep it in.  i just need to find people that actually care.

speaking of which, i just want to say that i have honestly found someone in my school who i really think is just not like the rest. you know those people that you just feel like you can connect to? like they are generally just a good hearted person who is there to listen to your problems and help you in any way that they can? the ones that offer a compliment or a smile just to lift your spirits or a word of encouragement when you’re just having a bad day? yeah, you probably don’t because there are not many of those out there. actually, i had pretty much given up hope that any one in that prison that they call a school even had a real heart, but then came along this one boy who completely proved me wrong. honestly, he has NO idea how much that he’s helped me and changed the way that i look at things just within the past few weeks alone. first of all he compliments me nearly every day and tells me that i’m beautiful, and not only appearance but he compliments my character as well, which means even more and it helps me to feel less insecure because i can be sitting there trying to fix my part in my hair and wondering about my eye-make up and whether it’s even or not and he’ll just like read my mind and tell me that i have such pretty eyes and stuff and it just makes my day. then the other day out of the blue he told me how that i was so special and not like all these other girls and how he knows he’ll never meet anyone else like me and how that i’m the perfect image of what a guy would want cause i have a good heart and all and that i was beautiful and that any guy that could have that and didn’t realize what all they were missing out on was just dumb and stuff and said he had wanted to tell me that so he thought that he would. and just yanno, he’s always telling me that i deserve something great and just lifting my spirits and even though we may not talk 24/7 or hang out all the time or he may not know the little things about me or my favorite candy bar or little things like that, i really would consider him as one of my closest friends because i feel like he knows my heart. we always write notes to each other in chemistry cause we’re both lost and sometimes i ramble on random things and draw pictures and it keeps my mind off things and sometimes i spill my guts and its just so nice to have someone that has so much going on for him and just doesn’t even have to make time for you, but they do - just because they honestly want to listen to you and help you with any problem you may have, even if they may have problems of their own. like i believe that he really cares about my happiness and really does want whats best for me, just like i want whats best for him. and what’s so crazy is that i really feel like i can tell him anything and know that he doesn’t go to anyone else and talk about me and i can tell him just how crazy i am and my insane ways of thinking and he doesn’t go behind my back and make fun of me to other people or tell them anything, he just listens to me, says what he can to help and goes on. and i try my best to do the same for him, but i know i always end up doing most of the talking. and then it’s like we can have these deep heart to hearts then go back to lab and goof off and act like we didn’t completely just spill our guts. i think everyone needs to find a friend like that. someone that they know they can just talk to. and this guy is someone that i would have never expected to be such a big softie. like i’m so glad i’ve gotten to know him and how he and i think so much alike and stuff because i would have just put him in the same category with all the other cocky football players and all the other heartless two-faced preppy little people at the school. just goes to show you should never judge a book by it’s cover. you should never judge period. and i know everyone does, and i’m guilty of it myself, but honestly, you have NO IDEA what the people you sit beside of in class every day are actually going through. you have no idea that the same person who puts on a smile every day and acts so confident is actually one of the most insecure people in the world and hates everything about themselves. like you don’t know anyone’s story, why they are the way they are, why certain things offend them so easily, why they get so upset, why they always wear that same necklace everyday, why they only have a few different outfits, why they don’t always dress up, why the act the way they do to get attention, why they won’t open up to anyone, why they never talk, why won’t give anyone a chance. like no one really has any idea the true inner workings of another person and it’s ridiculous that we all just go off of first glance and automatically make up in our minds why that person is that way and whether we like them or not, before we ever know anything about them. it’s human nature, i understand that. but i mean, wouldn’t it be cool if just one day we all woke up and we all looked the same. like everyone in the world looked the exact same, and sounded the exact same, or even if we all woke up one day blind, and had no recollection of any sight, and we all had to just talk to each other and base NOTHING on appearance, just on personality. like if we all just opened up to each other one day because we had no fear of being judged because we really didn’t know who one another was, then the next day we all discovered who we had talked to the day before. like i think that would be so cool. imagine how many more people you would connect to. i think it would be amazing. i think we need a “challenge day” at our school, but of course our people are too prideful and b.a. to do it, or so they think. little do they know that they would look stronger for doing it than for sitting out. but anyways, on to my next subject, i just thought i would say that if you think someone is beautiful or great or you like something of theirs, you should tell them. because it just may make their day, or better yet, it may open their eyes to how wonderful that they really are. like if you think someone has a lot going for them, tell them that. if you really care for someone, tell them that. everyone needs to forget the fear of looking stupid or feeling stupid or making things awkward and just say what they feel. open up. i promise you feel better and the other person may have been needing to hear it or wondering what you thought about them anyway. but just be sincere. so i just want to thank that person for being who they are. i have no doubt that they’ll go far with the heart of gold that they have. especially if they get on the right path with the Lord and let him guide him like he’s wanting to. yup.

anways, i have 100 more things i actually want to write about but it’s late and i want to get to sleep, so that i can hopefully wake up a little earlier tomorrow and look nice for school. so imma do that. after some pictures and quotes, though. i feel better. my chest loosened up and stuff so now i can just go sleeps.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

Let go when you’re hurting too much,
give up when love isn’t enough,
and move on when things are not like before.
surely there is someone out there
who will love you even more.

Your life lies before you like a path of driven snow, be careful how you tread it cause every step will show.

the people worth loving arent always easy to love.

Music gives us an escape from our drama filled,
teenage heart ache driven lives.
A chance to actually be a part of something amazing.
It gives us something to believe in

It’s like this. You have to have the nicest jeans, or the cutest purse, or say the newest thing so that it catches on. You have to be skinny, you have to buy this, wear this, say that, be on his side, her side, be neutral, have white teeth, have straight teeth, you hair can’t be frizzy, and you can’t wear that because it just doesn’t ‘work’ anymore. You have to go to parties, be friends with everyone, trust no one, pose like this, smile like that, tilt your head this way, and put your hand on your hip, because that’s how it is. And let me just say, it’s not worth it.

Never assume someone likes your by their sweetness, sometimes you’re just an option when they’re bored.

Do not anticipate trouble,
or worry about what may never happen.  
Keep in the sunlight.

Along the way, I’ve learned that you can’t let anyone in too
far and you can’t trust endlessly. The biggest mistake you
can make is to care or love someone more than yourself,
because then you are just setting yourself up for
disappointment. Boundaries are necessary so that you can
protect yourself, because once you’re broken, you’ll never
be fully fixed

“I hate Valentine’s day. Every day should be for love. You should celebrate love 364 days of the year. Then on Valentines day you should get to tell whoever you hate that you hate them. There would be one day of hate and 364 days of love.”
- Ashton Kutcher

i need to be asleep.

actually, no. i NEED to be doing chemistry and studying. whatever though.

so all day i thought of how yanno, sucky everything was and thought of all these things i wanted write about and just spill all my guts and complain and blah blah to this little bloggie here and then i made myself yanno, go to church - yes people who thought i had done like gone atheist, I WENT TO CHURCH, hahah. and it was good. it made me miss being in mime. and singing for church. but it’s all good. i got to see my long lost best friend and his little daughter and that of course just made my day, and when he told me that he missed me, like i really knew he meant it. then i came home only to some good american idol and 2 messages from people saying that they missed me. one of which i felt just definitely didn’t and didn’t want to hear me go on and complain anymore, and then one who i felt had done found herself a new group of best friends. and i just got to see people give their lives to the lord and little kids that got prayed for cause they have a desire to be close to him and it was just good. life is good today. lol. oh, not to mention that the little kiddies at church were happy to see me and missed me as well AND two other friends texted me and told me that they missed me. and i sat all alone at church and as soon as this one boy saw i was sitting alone he came back and sat with me and it was mega nice. oh, and i had a good make-up day too. lol.

Do you know what happens when you hurt people? When you hurt people, they begin to love you less. That’s what careless words do. They make people love you a little less.

worrying is a waste of time. it doesn’t change anything. it just messes with your mind and steals your happiness.

& now every time i look at you, i just think about how you’re not looking at me the same way that i’m looking at you. and then i wonder if you ever did. and if you did, then how long ago did you stop. then i wonder if all the times you’re not talking to me, you were talking to her. then i wonder if every time you’re not with me, if you’re with her. and then i wonder if you’re sitting there thinking about her. and then i wonder if you wish it was her there with you instead of me. and then i wonder just what it is about her. and then i wonder what made your feelings change. and then i wonder if it will ever be the same. and then i wonder…. and then i wonder…. and then i wonder some more.

What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.

I hate the fact that my heart doesn’t grow
And I hate the smell of cigarette smoke
And I hate old movies unless they make me cry
I hate the jerk you turned out to be
And I hate the sand that holds back the sea
And I hate the fact that you don’t love me for me
(I Hate Too Much - Bradley Vaughn)

At the end of the day, when it all comes down to it
All we really want is to be close to somebody
So this thing, where we all keep our distance
And pretend not to care about each other
Is usually a load of bull
So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to
And once we’ve chosen those people
We tend to stick close by
No matter how much we hurt them
The people that are still with you at the end of the day
Those are the ones worth keeping
And sure, sometimes close can be too close
But sometimes, that invasion of personal space
It can be exactly what you need

I ask myself why, and in that same breath, as I watch you, I get my answer. It’s everything about you; it’s that teasing smile, that warm scent. It’s the curve of your arms, the tousle of your hair, and the ring of your voice. It’s just everything about you. But more than that, it’s everything about me. It’s everything about the way you make me laugh, cry, smile and hurt. It’s everything about the way you make me feel.

Girls aren’t going to talk to you first. It’s a girl thing. We don’t like starting the conversation because we like to feel like you want to talk to us. We like to feel like the wait was worth something. We like feeling like you’ve waited for us like we’ve waited for you. But the number one reason we hate talking first is because we hate to seem needy or clingy. That’s why we’re scared. Cause to us, being needy and obsessive just pushes guys away. And no girl wants that.

You know what your problem is? You get attached, fast. And once you’re attached to someone, you do everything you can to please them and make them happy. It’s never been about what you want, it’s always everyone’s needs before your own. You give out too many chances to people, who quite frankly, do not deserve them. They take advantage of you, and you become a pushover. But you’re okay with that, because they’re in your life and that’s all you ever really wanted. And even if they screw you over, you’ll still be there for them. Because that’s you, that who you are. Once you get attached to someone, they capture your heart and they always have a place there. And that is why it’s so hard for you to let him go. - this.

A little jealousy in any kind of relationship is healthy;
it’s nice to know that someone is afraid to lose you.

watching forrest gump

for the first time ever.

aw, i love it so far. :)

I’m terrified because I don’t want anyone to have your heart.
I don’t want anyone to kiss your lips or feel your arms around them.
I don’t want anyone to be the girl you’re completely in love with.

But I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Well, it burned while I cried
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

You deserve the right kind of love, the kind of love that makes you happy, the fantastic love that’s in books and movies. Even if you aren’t together forever, you’ll want to look back and never regret falling in love with him. That’s the kind of love we all deserve.

If you’re going to trust someone with your heart, make sure they have a heart of their own so they know how it feels when it’s broken.

I wish you could see how much I care. How much I want you to care back. You really matter to me, and somehow I will get that through your head. I won’t give up until I do because I love you.

i love that song, band, drawing, and especially tattoo.

i remember every word you ever told me. i can’t stop thinking about it. so i keep talking. because i’m so scared that you’ll stop.

When a girl complains that a guy has no heart, it usually means he has hers.

if “plan A” doesn’t work out, don’t worry, you still have 25 letters left

I don’t need you to love me. But you have to open up your heart to somebody. You’ve gotta let someone discover
how staggering you are, just don’t be alone. That I can’t live with.

i want some macaroni and cheese.

i love eyes

owls
anchors
penguins
castle houses
creepy trees
cute little birds like sparrows
anatomically correct hearts
bows
my sisters cat
forehead/nose/hand kisses
british accents
babies
ring pops
spiral staircases
when people play with my hair
deep conversatons
sparkly things
the smell of spring
when people return compliments instead of just thanking you for them
holding hands
coloring
little kid things
getting gifts for people
singing
being held so tight i get warm
black and white
victorian printed things
when people tell me things about myself that let me know how well they know me
surprises
lillies
gentlemen
cartoon movies
pictures
the rare times when people actually say exactly what you want them to in reply
heart beats
my birthday
jellyfish
colorful decorated or toe socks
bird cages
when people remember little things about me
mommy-ing things/people
when people tell me they love me and/or miss me
really good long hugs
the feeling you get when you know someone is really glad to see you
making people smile laugh and feel special
cranberry pomegranate juice
and my daddy. i miss him more every day.

I love people who have a sense of individuality. I love expression and anything awkward or imperfect. Because that’s natural. And that’s real.

Perhaps we give the best of our hearts uncritically to those who hardly think about us at all.

just kiss me.

my life would be so much better if some people would just disappear.
not like die. i mean, i don’t want anyone to die.
i just want them to maybe move away. far, far away.

i want to be enough for you.
i want to be the person that, as long as you have - you don’t even need anyone else.

do you ever want to just stop talking to people? just quit talking to everyone, not say hi first, not try anymore - just to see who would make the effort to talk to -you-. to see who cares enough about you to put themselves in your life?

To love someone is a very special thing , but for that someone to love you back is more of a miracle. If you happen to stumble upon such a miracle, make sure you realize it.  Never take it for granted, never throw it away, never let it sit, and most of all never let it die.

Their plan had been very simple: to stay together for the rest of their lives. A plan that anyone within their circle would agree was accomplishable. They were best friends, lovers and soul mates, destined to be together, everyone thought. But as it happened, one day destiny greedily changed its mind.
- P.S. I Love You, Cecilia Ahern.

If you’re getting pushed away, don’t hold on tighter. Letting go when you’re getting pushed is the only way he will feel what it’s like without you. Even though it’s the hardest thing to do, do it for him.

Cause that’s what life’s about. It’s about the times where you lay in the grass next to someone you love. It’s about the color of the sky, it’s about a roaring fire on a winter eve. Everybody hurts, everybody bleeds. Everyone laughs & smiles & loves. & that’s all that it is. There’s no meaning of life, it’s nothing that can be defined. It’s a matter of writing your own definition.

lol, you’d never believe…

that i actually really can’t stand your guts. :D

but anywayyyyyyyyys…

i just want someone who will tell me good morning and good night and that they love me when i least expect it. i don’t think that’s asking for too much.

Fine, I admit it. I think of you every second of every day. You’re my favorite subject to talk about. When I hug you, I wish I could never let go. Most of my dreams have you in them. I always get excited when I see you again. I go out of my way to try to see you. & i’m completely crazy for you.

PEANUT BRITTLE IS THE BEST, EVER.

we picked up things from each other.
random phrases and stupid habits
you have to admit that we’ve changed each other.

goodnight, sweet dreams, don’t let the bed bugs bite, sleep tight, i love you.

we all die. The goal isn’t to live forever,
the goal is to create something that will.

love isn’t about the words we say,
the actions we take, the things we do,
or the hearts we break. it’s about people
who can look at each other & just know.

it’s almost spring and spring is my favorite ever. let’s go write with sidewalk chalk!?

:D

here’s to the kids who will never
have 100% confidence in anything
they do. and here’s to the kids
who are okay with that.

If people say something bad about you, judge you as
if they know you, don’t get affected. Just think that
dogs never bark if they know the person.

i don’t want to be your second choice…

so these philly swirl icee things with candy spoons are the coooooolest.

although we adore men individually,
we agree that as a group they’re rather stupid
- Mary Poppins

oh my gosh. yes.

Don’t let your ears witness what your eyes didn’t see, don’t let your mouth speak what your hearts doesn’t feel.

I truly respect the people who stay strong even when they have every right to break down

She used to cut herself, so she got a tattoo there that says think again. :)

For once, I wish something between us would just
happen, good or bad. I wish you had something
to tell me; if I should keep holding on or just let go.

And she loves regardless of everything that has stained her life.
She loves with everything she has left, and that is beautiful.

you are defined by the way in which you
treat the people you love. and, the people you hate.

hahahahahahahaha. owned.

don’t push your relationship with a person
too hard. if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.

i changed my phone case.

to match my nails.

ordered a new one today, though.

:)

the world may never know every detail of your life,
but that’s because they don’t care. but when you find
the ones that want to know every detail, they’re the keepers.

the world points and laughs at my flaws.
but i know that when God looks at me, he
smiles and says “that’s my daughter.
my unique and beautiful creation”

Sometimes a girl doesn’t
need anything more than
your hand in hers,& your
thumb gently tracing circles
on the back of her hand.

have you ever felt that your
friends only ask if you’re okay
cause they feel like it’s their job?

any person can be nice to your face,
but it takes a real friend to be nice behind your back.

If he misses you, he’ll call. If he wants you, he’ll say it.
And if he cares, he’ll show it. If not, he can’t be worth
your time because you’re obviously not worth his.

hate admitting this to myself, but i know that i need you
more than you need me and i’m not sure if i’m okay with that.

every single time there’s an AP assignment due.

I’m yours. do not worry.
you will not lose me.

You know it’s meant to be when even
the times you can’t stand him, he’s the
only person on your mind.

so i’m pretty sure my life will get a little better on the 8th.

new season of my life as liz!

:D

I’m sorry for not being perfect, for not being the one you wanted. I’m sorry I’m not pretty, or not tall enough. I’m sorry that I’m so screwed up, but I’m just an average teenage girl, stumbling through my imperfect world.

Girl Language: When I said sorry, believe me I feel it. When you see me starting to cry, hold me and tell me everything’s gonna be alright. When I ignore you, give me your attention. When I’m quiet, ask me what’s wrong. When I push or hit you, grab me and don’t let go. When I’m mad and I walked away from you, follow me. If I didn’t text you, it’s because I’m waiting for you to text me. When I say I love you, Don’t doubt. I mean it.

Be careful to whom you give your heart to because when you give your heart to someone, you’re not only giving that person the right to love you but also the power to hurt you.

Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that you are a good person and a good friend. What is meant to be will end up good if what is not won’t. Relationships are worth fighting for but sometimes you can’t be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don’t, you must move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. Hopefully, people realize great things when they come around and don’t lose something real. Always fight, until you can’t anymore, and then be fought for.

Don’t waste time lingering over all that you could have, should have and would have done. Don’t spend your days thinking of how much better you could do; don’t long for something that has been and always will be out of your reach. Just live the days as they come. Wake up every morning and smile at the wonderful day that awaits. And when opportunity comes knocking on your door, don’t ignore it. Don’t run away. Pull yourself together, and open the door. Let love in.

Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.

i wanna shout everything i feel about you. but i can’t, because it would only hurt me to see everyone listening, everyone except you.

God gave me 5 fingers for a reason. My pinky is for my best friends and our promises that will never be broken, my ring finger is for marriage and for proof that we’ll be together forever, my middle finger is for that person that pushes me too far and to show them how I feel, my pointer finger is to silence them, to savor the moment, my thumb is for everyone, to let them know that I’m gonna be okay. No matter what.

I hate that my stomach isn’t flat. I hate that I’m not confident, funny, or cute. I hate that I’m not as pretty as other girls. I hate that you’ll never look at me the way you look at her. But at least I can admit that I’m not perfect nor will I ever try to be. And that’s what I love about myself.

all those hidden emotions just came crashing down on me. You told me you wanted to just be friends and I immediately regretted ever giving you my heart. It’s funny how you can love someone, but no power in the world can make them love you back.

i’m done.

Give her your hand, and she’ll never let go. Give her your heart, and she’ll hold it next to hers. Give her you’re attention, and she’ll show you her heart. But it’s guys jobs to hold her hand tightly in public, to not play with her heart, and to listen when she really needs someone to talk to. It isn’t that hard.

5 things that girls think, but guys don’t know:

1. When a girl says that something is cute, or that she is jealous of another cute thing a guy did for their girlfriend, LEARN from it, and remember it, you may think you’re not being unique, but a girl will appreciate it just the same.
2. Don’t ever ever ever talk about another girls body, assets, or personality infront of her if you two have intentions on being together. It will make the girl feel like she isn’t good enough.
3. Never ever ask a girl what she wants to talk about. She’ll like it if you’re actually trying to make conversation with her, no matter how stupid the conversation is. If you can’t think of something to talk about now, what is going to make her think that you will be able to think about it weeks/months/years from now? No girl wants a boring relationship.
4. Don’t talk to other girls, by putting hearts & texting them every day, girls will easily assume things, so don’t be sketch, cause she will loose trust in you.
5. When a girl acts sad, she only does it because she wants you to ask what is wrong. & even when she does say “nothing” she wants you to BEG her to tell the truth & ask again.

don’t act like you like me 2% of a time and be a dick the remaining 98. laugh cause i cry, laugh cause i get hurt, laugh cause people hate me or hurt my feelings, care less about what i say and pretty much let me know that you wouldn’t care if i was alive or dead, yanno. you don’t have to tell me what you’re doing or even reply if you don’t want, but you freak if i don’t reply first thing? not that i don’t love that, but i just don’t quite understand you? like if you like me like you say you do when you start to miss me or whatever, then act like you do. make up your mind if you do or not and quit playing with my feelings cause you know i’ll let you. if you have/develop/have had feelings for someone else, imma learn to be cool with it and move on. i should really learn to be a normal sixteen year old girl and not the way i am. i make everything so much harder for myself and keep myself so worried sick and upset. fuuuuuuck. how i wish i could be a guy and not give two shits about absolutely anything or anyone. must be so nice to not have feelings or an actual caring heart.

Don’t say things you don’t mean, Because I would believe anything you say & I would actually take it to heart.

she is beautiful, and her voice absolutely amazes me to no end.

except for when i listen to her sing, i just want to give up completely because i know i could never even come close to coming close.

There’s a story behind every person. There’s a reason why they’re the way they are. They aren’t just like that because they want to. Something in the past created them, and sometimes it’s impossible to fix them.

i’m terrified of losing people AS i grow up. it’s already happened some and i believe that it’s going to continue to. i just don’t understand why all the people that i’m afraid to lose, aren’t afraid to lose me. they act like they’d be okay with it. it’s so nice.

I like it when people tell me about their problems, because unlike society today, I care. And it reminds me that there’s someone out there who trusts me with their secrets.

what is this feeling. it is god awful. i miss my dad.

oh, how i miss the old degrassi characters.

tumblr > homework.

too much to say, no time to say it in.

need to practice this play. :|

gag me.

so, why go through the trouble of finding me, to reblog something to make fun of it? none of my pictures or quotes have anything to do with each other and i just post them all for me, no one else, i mean - i don’t even do the whole “reblog” thing. so i don’t much get the point of criticizing what i do when it’s not intended for you, nor does it require you to like it or understand it. just don’t look at it? eh?

but hey, it’s all gravy.

This is for the girls who don’t always win. Who stay up all night listening to music that inspires them. The girls that laugh, smile, and cry and think all on a daily basis. The girls who like, learn, and regret. The girls who may never have it easy. The girls who learn the hard way and live to tell about it. The real girls.

you lose weight, your boobs get smaller. it’s sad that you have to give them up to be thin. don’t remind me of it though, i realize. no need to ruin a perfectly good compliment. :/

could have sworn i’d posted that picture before, but whatever.

Stop trying to understand how she feels. Chances are you’ll never understand how much she truly loves you. How everything she does is for you. How every night she lies in bed thinking of only you. Because, you’ll never understand, because you honestly don’t care.

I hate that feeling. The feeling when you’re sad, but you have no idea why. You just are. And in your mind, you’re thinking of all the bad things in your life and apply it to your emotions, making you even more sad. Then people ask you what’s wrong and you have nothing to say. You end up, sitting there, quiet, while it seems as if everyone, but you, is happy.

You can listen to music when you’re feeling any emotion. That’s because there’s a song for every type of emotion -love, hate, anger, happiness, sadness, depression, heartbreak, loneliness …. People like to feel like someone understands the situation they’re in and can relate to what they’re feeling and going through. That’s where music comes in. Most of the time people won’t be there for you or understand you, but music does. Music will never leave you. Music will be there for you through whatever you’re facing or feeling. That’s why music is so comforting.

Every passing second is a chance to turn it all around.

The greatest challenge in life is to find someone who knows all your flaws, differences, and mistakes, and yet still sees the best in you.

All I want is for you to be the boy that fights for me, that wants me and will do anything to be with me. I want to be your only exception.

i’m so sorry that i care, and that i can’t stop, and that i actually want to talk to you all the time.